Daily Archives: September 25, 2007

Mattel Apologizes to China, Iran, Britney’s Mom

“We are the baddies” says CEO

Inebriated Press
September 25, 2007

Mattel CEO Robert Eckert apologized to China for recalling lead and asbestos laden Chinese toys that Mattel distributed in the U.S. saying “Mattel takes full responsibility for these recalls and apologizes personally to you, the Chinese people.”  Eckert elaborated by saying, “We should have accepted whatever the Chinese Government sells and says, just like the honorable Chinese citizens have for years.  We are bad and deserve a good spanking.  I will bare my butt for you if you want to cane me personally.”  The Chinese government with benevolence typical of them accepted the offer and beat Eckert’s ass with a stick.  Skru U, the Chinese head of product safety and lead distribution said it was about time that the U.S. took responsibility for all the world’s problems and urged Mattel to continue accepting blame and retribution.

“Chinese products are all safe and the admission of the evil U.S. Corporation that they are to blame proves this,” said Skru U, burning the Mattel CEO’s ass with a hot poker.  “We are good.  The U.S. is bad.  Chinese Communism will prove our power at the 2008 Olympic Games and kick your asses as well as beat and burn them.”

U.S. safety experts are puzzled by the Mattel apology citing numerous failures of Chinese product and food exports.  “The Chinese have poisoned U.S. pets with melamine laced product, shipped toothpaste containing poisonous antifreeze chemicals to hospitals in Florida and stores throughout Latin America.  They’ve stolen our patents and make thousands of fake and pirated goods for distribution worldwide.  They’ve lied about product manufacturing and sold us tires that have fallen apart resulting in American deaths, and fooled Mattel into selling lead based toys to parents of U.S. babies.  For that we’re the ones who should apologize?” asked U.S. food quality expert Hu Yu Kidden.  “It looks to me like the Chinese mafia has gotten to Eckert or he’s been eating too much imported Chinese food.  Either way, the guy’s not thinking clearly.” 

Mattel doesn’t see it that way.  “I want to apologize to Iran for doubting their benevolent nuclear program,” said the Mattel CEO in an interview yesterday.  “I’m sorry I sold really cute Barbie dolls to Britney Spears mom that negatively influenced Britney.  No one is to blame except corporate America, the American people, Mattel and my dog Sparky.  Well, maybe it’s not Sparky’s fault.  I should have tested his dog food for Chinese melamine before I fed it to him.  That’s my fault too.  No one bears any personal responsibility except me and of course the American taxpayer who should willingly fund everything that anyone in the world wants, and buy whatever they sell.  We are such bastards for questioning anyone outside of our borders.  I hope we’ll let the Iranian president lay a wreath at the World Trade tower site to honor those noble terrorists who destroyed the buildings.  I know that the U.S. is to blame for everything.  I think the Chinese should beat all our asses and then sell us some more poor quality and dangerous products.  It’s just their culture and we are so intolerant.”

In other news, Americans with half a brain want the Mattel CEO to relocate to China where he can enjoy more Chinese benevolence and health food; and Americans with entire brains want their chance to beat Eckert’s ass, the Iranian president’s ass and most members Congress.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Elvis Spotted at Old Country Buffet

Chow hound with blue suede shoes still going

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 25, 2007

Ignoring reports that he’s dead or on Mars Elvis Presley was seen chowing down at an Eagan, Minnesota Country Buffet yesterday.  The 72 year old was described as slender and muscular by the Lake Wobegon Lutheran Church Ladies Aid Society who were in town for a WWF event.  Reportedly he ate a lot of fried chicken and meat balls, typical fare for the popular singer. 

“It was him alright,” said Mabel Svenson, Treasurer for the group.  “He was slender and tan and looked almost as good as he did back in ’67 when I saw him twitch and gyrate at the Wobegon Ballroom.  ‘Course we were both younger then.  I used to do some twitching and gyrating myself back in those days.” 

Not everyone believes it was Elvis.  “It was Charlie Redtail Shaw, off the reservation,” said waitress and part-time dancer Stacy Boom-Boom Tucker.  “He’s been coming in here on two-for-one days for the past two years.  The old bats from Wobegon don’t have a clue.”

Elvis Presley was an American singer, musician and actor. He is considered a cultural icon, often known simply as Elvis; also “The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll”.  All reasonable accounts indicate that he died in August of 1977 of heart failure from a combination of drugs and obesity.  Some have claimed that Elvis death was exaggerated and that he has been living in various trailer parks across the southern U.S. The sighting in Minnesota is the farthest geographical point north that’s been reported.

“In addition to tagging and tracking Elk and the Amish, I’m also responsible for keeping tabs on Elvis sightings,” said Wolf Scully, director of Fish & Wildlife’s secret Z-Files division.  “The sighting in Eagan indicates a northward trend in Elvis movement.  It’s not unusual that a species moves out of its normal habitat when pressured by society, pollution or insect infestation.  In Elvis case I’ve heard that he has felt discomfort from growing numbers of dust mites and chubby fans in the south.  Heading north is a typical response.  We saw the same thing with the Amish moving west after Nancy Pelosi took over as Speaker of the House in D.C.

In other news, Nancy Pelosi continues to deny responsibility for the migration of Elk, the Amish or Elvis.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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