Chow hound with blue suede shoes still going
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 25, 2007
Ignoring reports that he’s dead or on Mars Elvis Presley was seen chowing down at an Eagan, Minnesota Country Buffet yesterday. The 72 year old was described as slender and muscular by the Lake Wobegon Lutheran Church Ladies Aid Society who were in town for a WWF event. Reportedly he ate a lot of fried chicken and meat balls, typical fare for the popular singer.
“It was him alright,” said Mabel Svenson, Treasurer for the group. “He was slender and tan and looked almost as good as he did back in ’67 when I saw him twitch and gyrate at the Wobegon Ballroom. ‘Course we were both younger then. I used to do some twitching and gyrating myself back in those days.”
Not everyone believes it was Elvis. “It was Charlie Redtail Shaw, off the reservation,” said waitress and part-time dancer Stacy Boom-Boom Tucker. “He’s been coming in here on two-for-one days for the past two years. The old bats from Wobegon don’t have a clue.”
Elvis Presley was an American singer, musician and actor. He is considered a cultural icon, often known simply as Elvis; also “The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll”. All reasonable accounts indicate that he died in August of 1977 of heart failure from a combination of drugs and obesity. Some have claimed that Elvis death was exaggerated and that he has been living in various trailer parks across the southern U.S. The sighting in Minnesota is the farthest geographical point north that’s been reported.
“In addition to tagging and tracking Elk and the Amish, I’m also responsible for keeping tabs on Elvis sightings,” said Wolf Scully, director of Fish & Wildlife’s secret Z-Files division. “The sighting in Eagan indicates a northward trend in Elvis movement. It’s not unusual that a species moves out of its normal habitat when pressured by society, pollution or insect infestation. In Elvis case I’ve heard that he has felt discomfort from growing numbers of dust mites and chubby fans in the south. Heading north is a typical response. We saw the same thing with the Amish moving west after Nancy Pelosi took over as Speaker of the House in D.C.
In other news, Nancy Pelosi continues to deny responsibility for the migration of Elk, the Amish or Elvis.
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