Daily Archives: September 26, 2007

Students Tasered, Why Not Ahmadinejad

One disrupts talk of Iraq, the other disrupts Iraq

Inebriated Press
September 26, 2007

Campus police at the University of Florida tackled, then Tasered a journalism student last week for disrupting a Q and A session with U.S. Senator John Kerry.  Some say it was warranted, others say the police over reacted.  Yesterday Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University and lied about not interfering in Iraq and said he wasn’t supplying weapons that say “Made in Iran” to terrorists fighting democracy there.  In response Columbia University President Lee Bollinger said Ahmadinejad looked petty and cruel.  Some say it was warranted, others say he under reacted.

“The ass hole still says that the Holocaust never happened, that he isn’t supporting insurgents in Iraq or funding terrorists in Israel,” said University of Florida campus police officer G.P. “Gator” McCluskey.  “He says his nuclear program is for electricity even though his country has the second largest natural gas reserves and the fifth largest crude oil reserves in the world.  Taser the son of a bitch and lets talk some sense.”

Despite being called a bunch of “sissies” by Florida campus police, the campus officers at Columbia said their restraint was appropriate.  “We don’t carry Tasers at Columbia,” said Columbia campus security chief Ziegfeld “Zig Zag” Marijuanae.  “We carry condoms and handcuffs to help out the students if they get in a jam.  But we did stare really hard at Ahmadinejad and I think that made him uncomfortable.  I’m pretty sure he’s going to behave better from now on.”

Psychologists and historians are debating whether giving the Iranian president a forum in the U.S. plus a platform to broadcast his propaganda to the world was really a good thing to do.  “Up until now a lot of people in Iran weren’t even sure that they wanted to keep Ahmadinejad in power,” said historian and stamp collector Ahem Nowwuut.  “By raising his profile and distributing his philosophy Columbia has given him credibility he didn’t have and a powerful profile because it shows Americans are debating with him on a level field.  Ignoring him would hurt him most.  The folks at Columbia are the ones to Taser.”  Psychologist Nancy Hardy disagrees.

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is only acting out his fantasies about taking over the world and having all nations give him deference and debating his words as though they have great meaning and import,” said Nancy Hardy a psychologist who likes tea and is fixing an overbite.  “He believes that he has been placed by god in his position and that he will personally usher in a new era of Islamofascism and anti-Semitism through lies, innuendo and ultimately nuclear weapons.  Placating him like the folks at Columbia did is the right thing to do.  It worked for Britain with Hitler for a while.”

In other news, Senator and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called for Columbia campus police to be put in charge of security on the University of Florida campus and Vice President Dick Cheney called for campus security from Florida to be put in charge of security at Columbia.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Amazing New Pork Liver Diet

Pounds drop away “like crazy”

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 26, 2007

A new diet sensation is sweeping across America and into trendy eateries and diet clinics everywhere.  It’s called the Pork Liver Diet and it’s the latest chic approach to weight loss.  The diet’s combination of simplicity and effectiveness is giving every appearance that this plan may be more than only a passing trend, and may result in true life style change.  Dieters have reported losing ten to fifty pounds in mere days.  But some experts are urging caution. 

“Eating nothing but pork liver for every meal just isn’t right,” said weight loss guru Jennie Craig, sucking a frozen entree of peas and squash.  “These people are going to be dropping dead from malnutrition or arrested for taste bud abuse.” 

But not all experts agree with Craig.  “You can lose flab really fast by eating only liver,” said Richard Simmons, a diet expert and well known asexual.  “In fact I’d use it myself if it weren’t for the Deal-A-Meal plan that I invented that’s so much better.”

The ease of the Pork Liver Diet is part of what makes it appealing to users.  A dieter only needs to buy one product when shopping and then cook it in a microwave for a few minutes and eat it.  Most dieters hate the taste or get sick of it in just a few days, so they barely eat anything after that.  “After just one meal I stopped eating altogether,” said Calista Flockhart, star of Ally McBeal and formerly an overweight lard eater.  “All I can say is that the liver diet sure worked for me.”

a la Mod Body, Inc. has endorsed the Pork Liver Diet and says their models eat nothing but liver for every meal.  Paper Doll Magazine recently published a backgrounder on the company that featured its Antonia Ghazlan green silk and lace knickers.  Reportedly it was liver that made the knickers possible.  “Pork liver will save women’s fashion and knickers in particular, by controlling the size of our asses,” wrote Susan Rohr the Founder of a la Mod Body, and well known knicker and liver aficionado.  “If not for pigs livers the fashionable green knicker running from $40-$90 and available on our website at http://alamodbody.com/, would languish in obscurity rather than gracing the tender bottoms of chic’s everywhere.”

In other news, Mamma Cass is still dead but could be making music and wearing a la Mod Body knickers today, if only she’d known about the Pork Liver Diet.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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