Students Tasered, Why Not Ahmadinejad

One disrupts talk of Iraq, the other disrupts Iraq

Inebriated Press
September 26, 2007

Campus police at the University of Florida tackled, then Tasered a journalism student last week for disrupting a Q and A session with U.S. Senator John Kerry.  Some say it was warranted, others say the police over reacted.  Yesterday Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University and lied about not interfering in Iraq and said he wasn’t supplying weapons that say “Made in Iran” to terrorists fighting democracy there.  In response Columbia University President Lee Bollinger said Ahmadinejad looked petty and cruel.  Some say it was warranted, others say he under reacted.

“The ass hole still says that the Holocaust never happened, that he isn’t supporting insurgents in Iraq or funding terrorists in Israel,” said University of Florida campus police officer G.P. “Gator” McCluskey.  “He says his nuclear program is for electricity even though his country has the second largest natural gas reserves and the fifth largest crude oil reserves in the world.  Taser the son of a bitch and lets talk some sense.”

Despite being called a bunch of “sissies” by Florida campus police, the campus officers at Columbia said their restraint was appropriate.  “We don’t carry Tasers at Columbia,” said Columbia campus security chief Ziegfeld “Zig Zag” Marijuanae.  “We carry condoms and handcuffs to help out the students if they get in a jam.  But we did stare really hard at Ahmadinejad and I think that made him uncomfortable.  I’m pretty sure he’s going to behave better from now on.”

Psychologists and historians are debating whether giving the Iranian president a forum in the U.S. plus a platform to broadcast his propaganda to the world was really a good thing to do.  “Up until now a lot of people in Iran weren’t even sure that they wanted to keep Ahmadinejad in power,” said historian and stamp collector Ahem Nowwuut.  “By raising his profile and distributing his philosophy Columbia has given him credibility he didn’t have and a powerful profile because it shows Americans are debating with him on a level field.  Ignoring him would hurt him most.  The folks at Columbia are the ones to Taser.”  Psychologist Nancy Hardy disagrees.

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is only acting out his fantasies about taking over the world and having all nations give him deference and debating his words as though they have great meaning and import,” said Nancy Hardy a psychologist who likes tea and is fixing an overbite.  “He believes that he has been placed by god in his position and that he will personally usher in a new era of Islamofascism and anti-Semitism through lies, innuendo and ultimately nuclear weapons.  Placating him like the folks at Columbia did is the right thing to do.  It worked for Britain with Hitler for a while.”

In other news, Senator and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called for Columbia campus police to be put in charge of security on the University of Florida campus and Vice President Dick Cheney called for campus security from Florida to be put in charge of security at Columbia.

© 2007

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