Daily Archives: September 27, 2007

Iran Defies U.N., U.S. Battles Honduran Socks

Fear of socks and nukes ramping in U.S.

Inebriated Press
September 27, 2007

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared yesterday that his country would answer only to international inspectors, not the United Nations Security Council, in the dispute over its nuclear ambitions.  And the U.S. Committee for the Implementation of Textile Agreements has until late November to decide whether to put pre-CAFTA level tariffs back on all Honduran sock imports for three years.  Tension is mounting in the U.S. and Middle East over potential attacks by terrorists using Iranian developed nuclear devises and risky Honduran socks.

“Uncontrolled sock imports from Honduras and uncontrolled Iranian nuclear ambitions are threatening the U.S. and there’s no time to waste sitting around debating action any longer,” said an unnamed source from under a box outside of the United Nations building.  “It’s time the Israelis bomb Honduran sock factories and the Brazilians blast Iranian nuclear plants.  Implemented quickly I think the strategy will catch both countries with their pants down.”

Iran’s Ahmadinejad has protested U.S. efforts to gain global support to slow his nuclear ambitions and called the U.N. Security Council an “ineffective tool” of “arrogant powers”.  He said that he’d prefer that incompetent international inspectors visit Iran’s nuclear operations and that he’d be sure to “show them a good time”.  The U.S. says Ahmadinejad is deluded.

“He’s kidding himself and Columbia University if he thinks that we’re going to let him do whatever he wants with nukes,” said U.S. Secretary of State Condi Rice, sticking pins in a small doll that looked like Iran’s president.  “The Bush administration has successfully stood up to Senator’s Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi and this Ahmadinejad character isn’t as tough as they are.” 

Pelosi disagrees with the Bush administration’s approach to Iran and in an unusual moment of candor said so.  “I’m more worried about Honduran socks than Iranian nukes,” said Pelosi turning her shoes and a nearby chicken inside out.  “If I get hit with a nuke I’m dead and nothing matters.  If we let Honduras take over the sock market my feet will never feel comfortable and that could bug me for years.”

In other news, recent studies indicate that studies are inaccurate and cannot be relied on.  And many news reports are simply made up and editors prefer it that way.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Jay Leno and Paris Hilton Found in Love Nest

Couple caught cuddling in condo

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 27, 2007

TMZ reports from deep underground that Paris Hilton and Jay Leno were discovered massaging each others hips in a Hot Springs, Arkansas condominium last week.  Paparazzi using Soviet style night vision goggles and armed with AK-47’s flushed the couple out onto the balcony by using guerrilla tactics involving stink bombs and licorice whips.  Reportedly Leno was wearing only a mustache and Hilton was clothed with a tattoo of Toto, a well known dog from Kansas.  Leno spokesman and part-time singer Huey Lewis denied the report saying that Leno stopped renting mustache’s in the late ’90’s.  Hilton’s publicist, Nicole Ritchie also denied the report saying that Paris is a city in France.  Media pundits and some famous people are debating the validity of the report.

“TMZ makes up half the stuff they report,” said Britney Spears in an interview at a dance club where she was said to be searching for misplaced underwear.  “You can’t believe a single thing they report, especially about me.”

But some people think TMZ has it called right.  “Leno and Hilton are going at it, that’s for sure,” said Doctor Phibes AKA Vincent Price, a well known actor who died in the early ’90’s.  “Before returning from the dead I used to read a lot of celebrity news in tabloids.  I think TMZ is probably as accurate as any of them.  I sure liked the Britney pic’s.  That’s one of the reasons I came back.”

Reporting on celebrities caught in the act of doing naughty stuff is a time honored tradition in many Western nations and TMZ has been making the most of real and imagined celebrity scandals.  “Heck if it weren’t for out of work National Enquirer writers and Photoshop software we wouldn’t even have a business,” said Alan Citron, TMZ’s general manager.  “That and a gullible public of course.  Don’t want to leave the folks out!  I learned my core management philosophy from Barnum and Bailey.”  Then laughing hysterically, he added, “On the other hand everything we report is strictly factual.  You could call us the Wall Street Journal of celebrity facts and figures.”

In other news, Paris Hilton says Jay Leno’s hips are too old for her to massage, and Leno says he wouldn’t hire Hilton as a hooker.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid