Daily Archives: September 28, 2007

Fight Illness with Sex and Breast Pumping

Russia Discovers that Sex Cures the Common Cold
Harvard Student wins Breast Pumping Medical Case

Inebriated Press
September 28, 2007

The Russian newspaper Pravda reported this week that sexual activity is good for both the body and mind and may relieve cold symptoms such as shivering and muscle stiffness.  The paper cited Swiss doctors that say sexual activity strengthens the immune system.  Also this week the New York Times reported that a Massachusetts appeals court has ruled that a Harvard medical student must be given extra time during tests to pump breast milk so that she can avoid medical complications.  For the first time in recorded history both the law and medical practices agree that having sex and pumping breasts is key to good health.  While you’re reading this article Harper Collins is reprinting text books and adolescent boys are taking renewed interest in health class.

“I haven’t had a cold in fifty years,” said Hugh Hefner, Playboy publisher and sex and breast pumping advocate.  “People have referred to my life as one big science experiment and I’ll be darned if they weren’t right.  I’d talk with you more but I think I’m getting the sniffles.  At my age I can’t take chances.  I’d better go treat it right away!” 

Not everyone buys into the recent announcements as either legal or medical precedent.  “Sex and milk are both risky in today’s society,” said Ralph Nader a consumer advocate and a sex and breast adverse old guy.  “Everything has been genetically modified and that has altered the impact of human interaction and resulted in new risks and dangers and stuff that we can’t see or imagine.  I’m scared shitless and the worst of it is I fear bran and Metamucil so I guess I’m screwed.”

Reportedly the news has doctors being pressed to write prescriptions for sex and breast pumping to treat cold and flu-like symptoms and some are combining them with Viagra scripts.  Hooter’s is adding pharmacies to their restaurants and plans to “cash in big”.  “We’re not just about chicken wings anymore,” said Hooters CEO Coby Brooks.  “From now on promoting tits and ass puts me in the health care business.”

In other news, former president Bill Clinton is recommending a rewrite of both Democrat and Republican health care platforms saying that they’re out of touch and that good medical care needs to include more focus on breasts and sex.  Most Congressional leaders agree and want to add Clinton’s activity with interns as a basic benefit in elected leader’s employee packages along with free annual physicals.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Nude pic’s of Hillary Clinton online

Hubby sells shower shots to fund run for presidency

Inebriated Press
September 28, 2007

Nude pictures of presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton have appeared on the website TeaAndAss.com a popular high society Internet portal for politicians and social climbers.  Reportedly former president Bill Clinton sold the pictures to replace funds lost when Democrat fund raiser Norman Hsu was arrested and millions of advertising and public relations dollars were lost.  The online pictures include Hillary showering, shampooing a dog while naked and caressing a photograph of Franklin Delano Roosevelt while fully clothed but showing all of her teeth and none of her lips.  Democratic National Committee (DNC) chief Howard Dean said he didn’t mind Bill selling the pictures, but was upset that the DNC wasn’t consulted.  Hillary has denied that the pictures are her.

“These are just fake pictures that some idiot paid to have made,” said Hillary Clinton kicking Bill in the groin with both feet.  “I don’t know anything about them, but if I did there would be hell to pay.” 

Historian and archeologist Nate Friborg says they look like the presidential candidate to him.  “Based on the historical data and archetypical movements of the female in the images, I’d have to say it is in fact, Hillary Clinton,” said Friborg.  “That and the glow-in-the-dark tattoo on her chest that reads ‘Bill you asshole get off me’.”

Norman Hsu, one of the top fundraisers for big-name Democrats, was charged last week with swindling at least $60 million from investors and using some of his profits to make illegal donations to political campaigns.  Illegal donations to Democrats are typical but getting caught has been rare.  DNC’s Dean said the Committee is facing financial problems because of the loss and may have to cut back on financing the popular Lies and Innuendo Division that has come to characterize the Party.  Short of funds, they have been considering use of volunteers to carry out what the DNC refers to as “plausible misdirection”.  Former president Bill Clinton says the whole thing is not that big a deal.

“When I was president we paid off donors by letting them sleep in the Lincoln bedroom, knocked off Hillary’s lawyer Vince Foster right inside the White House, I was banging Interns and gambling on CIA hits while in the Oval office.  We got away with all that shit.  You think that a screw-up by some Chink is going to slow down a Clinton campaign?  I want back on Pennsylvania Avenue and I’ll sell naked pictures of Chelsea before we go without funding for Hill’s run.  You like that?  Hill’s Run.  I’m thinking of starting a website based on the name.  Hillary’s Hill’s, get it?  I think I can sell online subscriptions and make even more than the fifty bucks I got from that Tea website.  That is if Hillary will let me near her in the shower again.  I have to get another camera too.  The old one got broke somehow.”

In other news, Democrat and former U.S. president Franklin Delano Roosevelt is not only spinning in his grave, he’s reportedly turning straw into gold.  Democrats are fighting over who gets to spend it.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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