Fight Illness with Sex and Breast Pumping

Russia Discovers that Sex Cures the Common Cold
Harvard Student wins Breast Pumping Medical Case

Inebriated Press
September 28, 2007

The Russian newspaper Pravda reported this week that sexual activity is good for both the body and mind and may relieve cold symptoms such as shivering and muscle stiffness.  The paper cited Swiss doctors that say sexual activity strengthens the immune system.  Also this week the New York Times reported that a Massachusetts appeals court has ruled that a Harvard medical student must be given extra time during tests to pump breast milk so that she can avoid medical complications.  For the first time in recorded history both the law and medical practices agree that having sex and pumping breasts is key to good health.  While you’re reading this article Harper Collins is reprinting text books and adolescent boys are taking renewed interest in health class.

“I haven’t had a cold in fifty years,” said Hugh Hefner, Playboy publisher and sex and breast pumping advocate.  “People have referred to my life as one big science experiment and I’ll be darned if they weren’t right.  I’d talk with you more but I think I’m getting the sniffles.  At my age I can’t take chances.  I’d better go treat it right away!” 

Not everyone buys into the recent announcements as either legal or medical precedent.  “Sex and milk are both risky in today’s society,” said Ralph Nader a consumer advocate and a sex and breast adverse old guy.  “Everything has been genetically modified and that has altered the impact of human interaction and resulted in new risks and dangers and stuff that we can’t see or imagine.  I’m scared shitless and the worst of it is I fear bran and Metamucil so I guess I’m screwed.”

Reportedly the news has doctors being pressed to write prescriptions for sex and breast pumping to treat cold and flu-like symptoms and some are combining them with Viagra scripts.  Hooter’s is adding pharmacies to their restaurants and plans to “cash in big”.  “We’re not just about chicken wings anymore,” said Hooters CEO Coby Brooks.  “From now on promoting tits and ass puts me in the health care business.”

In other news, former president Bill Clinton is recommending a rewrite of both Democrat and Republican health care platforms saying that they’re out of touch and that good medical care needs to include more focus on breasts and sex.  Most Congressional leaders agree and want to add Clinton’s activity with interns as a basic benefit in elected leader’s employee packages along with free annual physicals.

© 2007

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