Monthly Archives: September 2007

Amazing New Pork Liver Diet

Pounds drop away “like crazy”

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 26, 2007

A new diet sensation is sweeping across America and into trendy eateries and diet clinics everywhere.  It’s called the Pork Liver Diet and it’s the latest chic approach to weight loss.  The diet’s combination of simplicity and effectiveness is giving every appearance that this plan may be more than only a passing trend, and may result in true life style change.  Dieters have reported losing ten to fifty pounds in mere days.  But some experts are urging caution. 

“Eating nothing but pork liver for every meal just isn’t right,” said weight loss guru Jennie Craig, sucking a frozen entree of peas and squash.  “These people are going to be dropping dead from malnutrition or arrested for taste bud abuse.” 

But not all experts agree with Craig.  “You can lose flab really fast by eating only liver,” said Richard Simmons, a diet expert and well known asexual.  “In fact I’d use it myself if it weren’t for the Deal-A-Meal plan that I invented that’s so much better.”

The ease of the Pork Liver Diet is part of what makes it appealing to users.  A dieter only needs to buy one product when shopping and then cook it in a microwave for a few minutes and eat it.  Most dieters hate the taste or get sick of it in just a few days, so they barely eat anything after that.  “After just one meal I stopped eating altogether,” said Calista Flockhart, star of Ally McBeal and formerly an overweight lard eater.  “All I can say is that the liver diet sure worked for me.”

a la Mod Body, Inc. has endorsed the Pork Liver Diet and says their models eat nothing but liver for every meal.  Paper Doll Magazine recently published a backgrounder on the company that featured its Antonia Ghazlan green silk and lace knickers.  Reportedly it was liver that made the knickers possible.  “Pork liver will save women’s fashion and knickers in particular, by controlling the size of our asses,” wrote Susan Rohr the Founder of a la Mod Body, and well known knicker and liver aficionado.  “If not for pigs livers the fashionable green knicker running from $40-$90 and available on our website at http://alamodbody.com/, would languish in obscurity rather than gracing the tender bottoms of chic’s everywhere.”

In other news, Mamma Cass is still dead but could be making music and wearing a la Mod Body knickers today, if only she’d known about the Pork Liver Diet.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Mattel Apologizes to China, Iran, Britney’s Mom

“We are the baddies” says CEO

Inebriated Press
September 25, 2007

Mattel CEO Robert Eckert apologized to China for recalling lead and asbestos laden Chinese toys that Mattel distributed in the U.S. saying “Mattel takes full responsibility for these recalls and apologizes personally to you, the Chinese people.”  Eckert elaborated by saying, “We should have accepted whatever the Chinese Government sells and says, just like the honorable Chinese citizens have for years.  We are bad and deserve a good spanking.  I will bare my butt for you if you want to cane me personally.”  The Chinese government with benevolence typical of them accepted the offer and beat Eckert’s ass with a stick.  Skru U, the Chinese head of product safety and lead distribution said it was about time that the U.S. took responsibility for all the world’s problems and urged Mattel to continue accepting blame and retribution.

“Chinese products are all safe and the admission of the evil U.S. Corporation that they are to blame proves this,” said Skru U, burning the Mattel CEO’s ass with a hot poker.  “We are good.  The U.S. is bad.  Chinese Communism will prove our power at the 2008 Olympic Games and kick your asses as well as beat and burn them.”

U.S. safety experts are puzzled by the Mattel apology citing numerous failures of Chinese product and food exports.  “The Chinese have poisoned U.S. pets with melamine laced product, shipped toothpaste containing poisonous antifreeze chemicals to hospitals in Florida and stores throughout Latin America.  They’ve stolen our patents and make thousands of fake and pirated goods for distribution worldwide.  They’ve lied about product manufacturing and sold us tires that have fallen apart resulting in American deaths, and fooled Mattel into selling lead based toys to parents of U.S. babies.  For that we’re the ones who should apologize?” asked U.S. food quality expert Hu Yu Kidden.  “It looks to me like the Chinese mafia has gotten to Eckert or he’s been eating too much imported Chinese food.  Either way, the guy’s not thinking clearly.” 

Mattel doesn’t see it that way.  “I want to apologize to Iran for doubting their benevolent nuclear program,” said the Mattel CEO in an interview yesterday.  “I’m sorry I sold really cute Barbie dolls to Britney Spears mom that negatively influenced Britney.  No one is to blame except corporate America, the American people, Mattel and my dog Sparky.  Well, maybe it’s not Sparky’s fault.  I should have tested his dog food for Chinese melamine before I fed it to him.  That’s my fault too.  No one bears any personal responsibility except me and of course the American taxpayer who should willingly fund everything that anyone in the world wants, and buy whatever they sell.  We are such bastards for questioning anyone outside of our borders.  I hope we’ll let the Iranian president lay a wreath at the World Trade tower site to honor those noble terrorists who destroyed the buildings.  I know that the U.S. is to blame for everything.  I think the Chinese should beat all our asses and then sell us some more poor quality and dangerous products.  It’s just their culture and we are so intolerant.”

In other news, Americans with half a brain want the Mattel CEO to relocate to China where he can enjoy more Chinese benevolence and health food; and Americans with entire brains want their chance to beat Eckert’s ass, the Iranian president’s ass and most members Congress.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Elvis Spotted at Old Country Buffet

Chow hound with blue suede shoes still going

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
September 25, 2007

Ignoring reports that he’s dead or on Mars Elvis Presley was seen chowing down at an Eagan, Minnesota Country Buffet yesterday.  The 72 year old was described as slender and muscular by the Lake Wobegon Lutheran Church Ladies Aid Society who were in town for a WWF event.  Reportedly he ate a lot of fried chicken and meat balls, typical fare for the popular singer. 

“It was him alright,” said Mabel Svenson, Treasurer for the group.  “He was slender and tan and looked almost as good as he did back in ’67 when I saw him twitch and gyrate at the Wobegon Ballroom.  ‘Course we were both younger then.  I used to do some twitching and gyrating myself back in those days.” 

Not everyone believes it was Elvis.  “It was Charlie Redtail Shaw, off the reservation,” said waitress and part-time dancer Stacy Boom-Boom Tucker.  “He’s been coming in here on two-for-one days for the past two years.  The old bats from Wobegon don’t have a clue.”

Elvis Presley was an American singer, musician and actor. He is considered a cultural icon, often known simply as Elvis; also “The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll”.  All reasonable accounts indicate that he died in August of 1977 of heart failure from a combination of drugs and obesity.  Some have claimed that Elvis death was exaggerated and that he has been living in various trailer parks across the southern U.S. The sighting in Minnesota is the farthest geographical point north that’s been reported.

“In addition to tagging and tracking Elk and the Amish, I’m also responsible for keeping tabs on Elvis sightings,” said Wolf Scully, director of Fish & Wildlife’s secret Z-Files division.  “The sighting in Eagan indicates a northward trend in Elvis movement.  It’s not unusual that a species moves out of its normal habitat when pressured by society, pollution or insect infestation.  In Elvis case I’ve heard that he has felt discomfort from growing numbers of dust mites and chubby fans in the south.  Heading north is a typical response.  We saw the same thing with the Amish moving west after Nancy Pelosi took over as Speaker of the House in D.C.

In other news, Nancy Pelosi continues to deny responsibility for the migration of Elk, the Amish or Elvis.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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New High Speed Viagra Screws Time

Bayer-Pfizer product comes on hard and fast in 2 seconds or less

Inebriated Press
September 24, 2007

In the battle of the sexes a new weapon has emerged and it’s being tweaked for speed and efficiency.  Guys who can’t wait around when opportunity knocks are snapping up a new Bayer-Pfizer Viagra product the way Rosie O’Donnell scarf’s up flapjacks at IHOP.  The new pharmaceutical is the result of a joint venture and called “Flintstone E-Vitamin Enhanced Release-Viagra” (FEVER-V).

Werner Wenning, CEO for Bayer, maker of Flintstone Vitamins, was sick of waiting fifteen to twenty minutes for regular Viagra to work, and tired of twiddling his fingers and things while it took from five to ten minutes for PT-141 nasal product to kick in.  So he formed a venture with Pfizer, maker of Viagra, and created the new injectable Flintstone-Viagra vitamin product that takes two seconds from injection to full potency.  And as an added bonus he boosted it with extra Flintstone vitamin C so it also helps resist colds and herpes.

“I’ve been dating all my life and I’m not one for wasting time when things get going,” said Wenning flipping the pages of a Penthouse Drug and Ammo catalogue.  “With this high-speed injectable system all a guy has to do is slam the needle end of the FEVER-V cartridge into his thigh and in seconds his leg and other stuff stars swelling up like crazy.  Sure it hurts like hell and you walk with a limp for a couple of days, but other than that the side effects are minimal and you can get right down to business.” 

Not everyone thinks it’s safe or healthy.  “Some of our players have used this stuff and it’s been devastating,” said NFL physician and trumpet player Louie Armstrong.  “Guys come in limping with their legs all jabbed up, parts swollen and barely able to walk.  They seem to think it’s worth it, but I’m an old school kind of guy.  If you can’t get it up, tough shit.  Take a salt tablet and go pump iron.”

Barack Obama says if he’s elected president he’ll make sure FEVER-V is distributed free with any health care plan that his administration develops.  Former president Bill Clinton said he is in favor of including it in Hillary’s health care plan and feels FEVER-V should be distributed to Congressional leaders when Interns are assigned. 

In other news, Hillary Clinton has scheduled Bill Clinton’s neutering for this coming Wednesday and Congressional Interns are invited.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Clueless Silverstone Naked, Columbia U. Too

Alicia sheds clothes for PETA; University sheds brain cells for Ahmadinejad

Inebriated Press
September 24, 2007

Alicia Silverstone, star of the movie “Clueless” appears nude in a new PETA promo spot and says she’s never felt better than since she started hating meat-eaters.  Meanwhile, Columbia University has traded away IQ points in favor of Islamofascism and is hosting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a self professed Jew hater who funds terrorists in Iraq and Israel and says he and his version of Islam needs to rule the world.  Columbia says they like Jew haters as long as they also hate the U.S. and PETA says they love meat haters especially if they enjoy posing naked.  PETA and Columbia have recently created a new club that combines both.

Called the “Anti-Jewish Anti-Carnivore Know-All Secular-Society” (AJACKASS) one of the first items of business was the creation of a calendar to promote their views and raise funds for future activities.  The calendar is a mishmash containing photos of naked vegetarian meat and Jew haters ranging from veggie Pam Anderson to Jew-hater Adolph Hitler.  While Pam is worth checking out, the nude pictures of Hitler can only be described as disturbing.  Still, Columbia, Ahmadinejad and Silverstone are optimistic about the new club.

“AJACKASS is going to bring a new level of intellectual pursuit and food consumption to the world,” said Columbia President Lee Bollinger swatting an assistant named Greenberg for no apparent reason.  “We at Columbia want to be known as the University that fosters a new era of anti-Semitism and meat haters.  Berkeley has had this turf for long enough.” 

Silverstone likes the idea in general but has some reservations.  “I like the meat-hating part and going naked, but since both my parents are Jewish I’m struggling a little with the Jew-hater part,” said a nude Silverstone juggling her breasts and an orange.  “Still it’s a very innovative approach and since Columbia is the main supporter, it’s got to be okay, right?”  Most left wing intellectuals agree.

“Hating Jews is a time honored historical tradition and hatred for meat-eaters and carnivores is a growing trend that’s chic and important,” said self absorbed genius and abortion-up-to-age-13 advocate Chauncey Trik.  “Irrational hatred is a trend that’s catching on and no longer just the prerogative of liberal universities and the Democratic Party.  If we can keep fanning the flames of this rhetoric we’ll be able to ignite social upheaval that ultimately results in the collapse of the capitalist system and initiates a global government where workers unite in trade unions and intellectuals rule and the middle class is forced into time management jobs for low pay for the good of mankind.  Add naked PETA supporters like Anderson and Silverstone in the mix and my gonads start shining my shoes at the mere thought of it.”

Iran’s Ahmadinejad is traveling to New York to address the United Nations’ General Assembly and is scheduled to appear today at a question-and-answer session with Columbia faculty and students as part of the school’s World Leaders Forum.  Alicia Silverstone isn’t wearing anything in PETA’s latest “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” promotion, and a Texas cable station has banned the ad.

“It’s very disturbing that American media is banning women from television because they hate meat-eaters,” said Iranian President Ahmadinejad.  “It is my hope that with the work of AJACKASS, American’s will become more tolerant and understanding of meat-haters and become supportive of Islamofascist world domination and start hating Jews the way they should.”

CBS’ Entertainment Tonight reports that Michael Moore is producing a new film to promote Columbia University’s quest against stupid meat and Jew loving Americans and it’s called “AJACKASS, Ahmadinejad and Me”.  Reportedly it makes fun of silly American patriots like Jefferson and Lincoln and glamorizes Osama bin Laden as a “noble warrior” in the tradition of Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer.
 
In other news, Carmen Electra eats meat, likes Jews, isn’t an intellectual and looks just fine with or without clothing.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Sunday Toon ~ Rye

 

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WAC: Build Your Dream Home for Pennies per Square Foot!

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Home Construction Division
Inebriated Press
September 22, 2007

Tired of renting? Or maybe your old house is falling down but you’re afraid of the expense and risk involved in building a new home of your own? Think it’ll cost way too much? Well think again! Now you can build your fabulous dream home for only pennies per square foot and be moved in before the month is over!

Get out of your old dump and into the place you’ve been dreaming about!

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A cheap and beautiful Ronco Media home will make your dreams come true today!

How can we sell you such a wonderful home so cheaply? It seems complicated but it’s really pretty simple. We arrange for worthless straw from fields in the Midwest to be delivered directly from the farm to the location you plan to build on. You simply assemble the straw into the lovely home that you’ve been dreaming about! Using our easy to follow plans you’ll be done in a jiffy! Move in and live there as though you are a millionaire!

Order your dream home kit and arrange your initial straw delivery by sending a small down payment of only $1,200 in cash or American Express checks to:

Ronco Media House Builder
Attn: Shady Deal Tower
Box 1234567
New York, New York 54321

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Fine print: Not recommended for little pigs with big bad enemies. Other risks may apply.

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© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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