Monthly Archives: October 2007

Oops Britney does it again

Kinky semi-nude photo’s with “priest” ticks off Catholics

Inebriated Press
October 31, 2007

Kinky photos of a half-naked Britney Spears perched on a priest’s lap and leaning seductively against a church confessional have sparked outrage among Catholic leaders. The photos adorn Britney’s Jive Records album “Blackout”. Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, said of Britney: “She’s crashing. She’s not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she’s not responsible enough. Now we see she can’t even entertain.” But not everyone is upset.

Writing in the Dallas Morning News Nekesha Moodey a CD reviewer for the Associated Press said “Blackout” is the best album Spears has ever produced. “The bitch is my kind of girl and the album features great songs and twisted anti-traditional, anti-family, anti-Catholic pictures that support her lifestyle and approach to American culture,” wrote Moodey, peeing in public because she felt like it. “She knocks out sexy techno groove and encourages young girl listeners to ‘Take it off, take it off, take it off’ and that’s good for the young men of America. It also fits Maine’s recent plan to supply birth control to 11 year olds. America is hip with this. It’s some great shit. She’s the second coming of Madonna.”

While Britney Spears’ personal life has gone to pieces over the past several months, she seems to be holding on to her musical career. Her last studio album, “In the Zone,” was released in 2003 and spawned the number one hits “Me Against the Music,” featuring Madonna, “Toxic” and “Everytime.” The following year she married back-up dancer Kevin Federline and took break to get knocked up twice, and gave birth to sons Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney and Federline were officially divorced on July 30, 2007. A custody feud has ensued between the former spouses and has made good tabloid fodder the past several months finding Spears drunk and semi-nude in public when she wasn’t crashing her car.

Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton defended Spears behavior calling her “an independent voice” and “a classy non-panty wearing young woman who knows how to party and be bad”. In an attempt to separate his own political views from Clinton, Barack Obama disagreed with Clinton saying that Spears didn’t really know how to be as bad in her album pictures and she is in her real life and that she should integrate more of her personal day-to-day activity into her album images. Reportedly Britney is considering including panty-less pictures taken by paparazzi in future albums.

In related news, Islamofascists are posting pictures from Britney’s album on anti-American jihad websites to show their backers what they’re fighting against, and are encouraging members of the Catholic League to join with them. Reportedly the effort has had mixed results but clicks on the photo’s have set new web-count traffic records.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Cats are Aliens that Read Minds

Thoughts get reported to underground badger civilization

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 31, 2007

Scientists have discovered that cats are an alien species that are reading our minds and telepathically transferring their findings to a civilization of badgers living deep underground. This shocking revelation has overturned years of Egyptian belief that cats are gods and set Islamofascists on their collective ears. But not everyone is willing to accept the scientific pronouncement.

“My cat doesn’t know shit and other than wrecking my drapes and pissing in my shoes she hasn’t done a thing but lay around the house,” said cynic and hairdresser Donald Trump. “If that cat could read my mind it would have moved out by now.”

But the scientists made it clear that the cats are onto us. “Look into their eyes and you’ll know it,” said Indy Glanwood, a mental giant with degrees coming out of his ass. “They’ve been absorbing our knowledge and passing it on to the badgers. Those badgers are going to come for us one day and take over our culture and civilization. The damn badgers are coming man. I know it. I can feel it. Can you feel it? It’s just over there a little to the left.”

According to the scientists the badgers are already spreading infectious disease to cows in Great Britain and are eyeing the Brit’s to see how they react. And by using parasites that can only survive in desert regions they’ve caused people in the Middle East to kill each other indiscriminately for generations.

“The people in the Middle East all think they hate each other because of their different cultures and faiths,” said Ahshit Kilem a cleric and author of the popular book “Kids Guide to Bomb Making”. “The reality is it’s these damned bitey things that are driving us crazy. Dogonit, I feel like shooting somebody right now!”

In related news, J Lo says she likes her cat and often thinks silly thoughts to confuse the badgers. So far it’s working because the badgers haven’t attacked.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Fake foods, like fake boobs, on the increase

Chinese innovation catches on

Inebriated Press
October 30, 2007

The amount of fake foods, drinks and agricultural products being traded worldwide is on the increase according to a new European Commission report on counterfeiting released yesterday by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD). Previously “fakes” only dominated female breast size but now the Chinese are aggressively expanding the fake product category to include food and drink. Some food industry pundits are wary of this trend and cite health risks, but others see food and breast augmentation as a healthy growth industry.

“Silicon breasts, asbestos coffee and antifreeze based Scotch whiskey are keys to a bright new future,” said alternative food and boob expert Bubbles “Juggy” Malone a recent immigrant from China, now living in the U.S. under an assumed name. “And my new company – Trans-World Trans-Food Trans-Gender Inc. (TWTFTGi) – is going to break the mold of the old Kraft and Sara Lee style food conglomerates. TWTFTGi is an extension of new era ethics. Whatever you believe to be true, is true. Whatever sex you believe you are, you are. Whatever you believe is food, is food. We’re in an exciting new era of possibility.”

According to the OECD study, fruit such as kiwis, dried vegetables, milk powder, butter, baby food, instant coffee, alcohol, drinks, confectionery, and hi-bred corn seeds are the most faked items in the sector. The majority of infringements in the food and drink industry involve the misappropriation of trade marks or registered designs, the OECD noted. But food laced with melamine, antifreeze and other products once not considered food has been important to the continued growth of the Chinese food export market. Some consumer advocates have expressed concern.

“I’ve been wary of all kinds of stuff for years, and the bad trends showing up in food now just keeps hitting me in the face the way good news out of Iraq is knocking back Democrats,” said Ralph Nader, consumer advocate and former presidential candidate currently depressed about his hangnails. “I don’t drink much regular Scotch let alone the antifreeze based stuff, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. And I can’t find good hand lotion that flat-out stops hangnails. Looks like soaking them in Scotch hasn’t been doing the trick. Must have the wrong fake stuff.”

The European Commission also reported that while the number of cases registered has remained relatively constant in recent years, about 5.2 million items of counterfeited foodstuff, drinks and alcohol were seized in 2005, a 118 per cent increase over 2003.

In other news, Pam Anderson said fakes are nothing to fear and it gets easier to “swap out” real for fake and fake for fake over the years. “It’s all in the getting used to,” she reportedly said. “Accepting volume and size over quality and safety is the key.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Monkeys Evolved From Humans

Archaeologists Make Startling Discovery

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 30, 2007

Humans walked the earth before monkeys swung from trees. This startling revelation is published in the November issue of the Journal of Questionable Archeology and is destined to shake up what most have known as questionable evolutionary theory and replace it with merely dubious evolutionary theory. Darwin’s long held view that humans evolved from monkeys has been handed the big spittoon and like cigarettes is being relegated to the stinky part of history. But like Big Tobacco, it’s not going without a fight.

“Everyone knows that monkey’s were here first and that humans gradually evolved from them over the millennia,” said Brad Sprik a scientist and half evolved male who hasn’t had a date in five years. “It’s not relevant that no scientific proof backs this up, the facts are the facts no matter what anyone else says.”

But Archie Graham a doctor and former baseball player says it’s not that simple. “I’ve studied men and monkey’s and except for Doritos and cheese there is no significant difference between them,” said Graham eating a banana and picking through the hair on his arm looking for parasites. “Both men and monkeys arrived here from outer space at the same time and grew up together doing detestable things that resulted in the birth of Neanderthals. Hand me that bottle of Jack will yah? Thinking about this stuff makes me drink like a fish.”

Archaeologists said recent events in the Middle East display a “devolving human spiral” and that current trends among Islamofascists will result in a new sub-species. They say that means there will be people with brains and moving parts but no common sense to distinguish them from primates. “It’s like they’re all becoming monkey-boys who just parrot what their mullahs say and then like the wind up monkey with the cymbals they pull the plug that blows them up, over and over again,” said Doc Holiday, a dentist and gunslinger from the old West. “If the New West doesn’t pay attention to this, then these monkey-boys will kill them all.”

The monkey-boy trend when combined with an archaeological find indicating that monkey’s flew in space before Neil Armstrong did convinced archaeologists that humans were on earth before monkeys and that monkeys evolved into the NASA program before fading into devolved humans. “What else can I say,” said archaeologist Nicky Moore, a scientist and part time model. “At this rate only brainy babes like me will be left.”

In related news, Osama bin Laden says evolution is irrelevant and that monkey-boys will some day rule the planet; and the Association of Muslim Women voted that men have to start wearing veils from now on.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Profanity boosts morale

Harvard Business School adds swearing course

Inebriated Press
October 29, 2007

A new British study published in the Leadership and Organization Development Journal says that profanity can boost morale and increase “solidarity” among staff. As a result, Harvard Business School (HBS) announced it will be the first Ivy League college with a “Business Profanity” graduate level course. Yale says they think the idea is stupid and said Harvard was made up of low life sons of bitches intermixed with some real assholes who couldn’t find practical grad school courses if they were tattooed on their dicks. Reportedly this reaction boosted morale at Yale, but did little to change Harvard’s decision.

“Had the people at Yale taken our course on profanity, they’d have made better use of the term ass hole and better clarified the nature of the sons of bitches that they were talking about,” said Jay Light the Dean at HBS who frequently criticizes Home Box Office for countermanding the schools HB initials. “The use of profanity is very effective in business and in general communication, but it’s important to understand the cultural import and intellectual nuance in order to maximize the effectiveness of the words. But then, the folks at Yale are really just a bunch of porn queens and douche bags. It’s how I’d expect them to react.”

The research suggests that while imposing a ban on profanity and reprimanding staff might seem like strong leadership, it would remove the source of solidarity and in doing so could lead to decreased morale and work motivation. Professor Yehuda Baruch says that abusive and offensive swearing “should be eliminated where it generates greater levels of stress, rather than helping to relieve it.” He admitted that finding a happy medium is a tough proposition for supervisors.

“Each businesses has its own culture and the level of uplifting profanity differs somewhat from one company to another,” said Professor Baruch cursing out his mail boy and effectively boosting his morale and encouraging him to find different work. “Even in schools where all kinds of swearing are normal, some students and staff are more edified than others.”

In other news, OJ Simpson says his arrest in Las Vegas was made by “vile half wits with %!#@%$! for brains” and potential love interests have been motivated to run for their lives.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Dumbledore is Gay, Harry Potter a Woman

Climate change risk opens closet doors

Inebriated Press
October 29, 2007

J.K. Rowling stunned Harry Potter enthusiasts last week when she announced that the Dumbledore character is gay and Harry is actually a woman. Rowling said recent news from the United Nations that says climate change has put the survival of humankind at risk made her open the closet and invent new sexual histories for her characters. While most readers knew that Hogwarts School is actually a combination of witchcraft, sorcery and cross dressing, few understood that the transmutation of the characters also included sexual tendencies. But some knew it all along.

“Anyone who watches Harry’s effeminate approach to things knew that Harry was an abbreviation for Harriet,” said Huey Lewis, a musician and an expert in eugenics and British novels. “And Ron Weasley is asexual and mostly an amoeba but with a few protozoan tendencies.”

Harry Potter is a heptalogy of fantasy novels written by British author J. K. Rowling. The books chronicle the adventures of an adolescent wizard Harry Potter, together with his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. The story is mostly set at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, an academy for young wizards and witches. The story line concerns Harry’s conflict against the evil wizard Lord Voldemort, who killed Harry’s parents in his quest to conquer the wizarding world. Only recently has sexual orientation been back dated into the stories and a lot of people are anticipating the revised version that Rowling says is coming.

“I became wild with excitement when I learned of the new revised sexual history that was going to affect all of the Harry Potter characters and how climate change will ultimately destroy humankind unless wizards control the U.S. public school system,” said Cindy Lou, an 11 year old birth control user from Maine. “I may be young but I’m growing up in New England where we’ve cast aside old style youthful innocence and childhood development. We’re hell bent for sexual freedom and I was ecstatic when learned that Hermione Granger is actually a transsexual Newt.”

But not everyone is upbeat about the Rowling decision to re-spin her stories. “Why couldn’t Dumbledore tell us himself?” asked John Cloud, a Time Magazine writer. “The Potter books add up to more than 800,000 words before Dumbledore dies in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, yet Rowling couldn’t spare two of those words to help define a central character’s emotional identity. Sure I was suspicious when he was listening to the Streisand records, but still.”

In other news, climate change, species extinctions and a growing human population is putting the global economy and even the survival of mankind at risk, a new United Nations study says. And New York is one of more than a dozen states, led by California, preparing to sue the Bush administration for holding up efforts to regulate emissions from cars and trucks, several people involved in the lawsuit said last week. J.K. Rowling is expected to join the suit citing her State of Mind and current bank account which she says is equal to most U.S. States and several small countries. Some say she can’t participate but she said she can do anything, even rewrite history if she wants too.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Sunday Toon ~ Underwear Trouble

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© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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