Daily Archives: October 1, 2007

Alaska Fires Missile on California

Secretary of State returns from Middle East for West Coast Peace talks

Inebriated Press
October 1, 2007

Tired of over priced California veggies and environmental rhetoric from Berkeley, Alaska launched a missile attack on the State of California this past Friday. An intercontinental ballistic missile interceptor blasted out of an underground silo at California’s Vandenberg Air Force Base and tracked and destroyed the Alaskan weapon that had lifted off from the Kodiak Launch Complex in Alaska.  President George W. Bush immediately ordered U.S. Secretary Condoleezza Rice to return to the U.S. from the Middle East and initiate West Coast Peace Talks.  California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger banned all Alaskan crab and formed a politically correct defense team made up of Hollywood actors, illegal Mexicans and gay San Francisco politicians.  Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said she was sick of California being bossy and telling them how to run their oil business.

“California thinks they can tell us what we can do with oil in our state because they provide us pricey vegetables and bad movies,” said Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska and owner of a Baby Seal BBQ franchise.  “The missile we launched was to get their attention.  Unless they start making some good movies and shut up about where and how we pump our oil, I’m taking out Berkeley.” 

The government of California doesn’t see it the way Alaska does.  “They want to pump oil out of barren areas of Alaska where animals walk across the ice and that’s just not acceptable to us,” said Governor Schwarzenegger curling an actress with his left hand and bench pressing some short guy with his right.  “This State buys a lot of oil and should be able to tell people how we want it produced and where it should come from.  Except for the Arabs of course, we can’t tell them anything, but the Americans and Alaskan’s in particular – those people should bow to the demands of California.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice broke off Middle Eastern peace talks just as all Arabs and Jews were about to sign an accord establishing the country of Palestine and formalizing a one hundred year peace deal so that she could begin negotiations between Alaska and California.  “The Middle East will have to wait,” she said racing through the Telaviv Airport and chomping on a lunch of Juju Fruit.  “Arabs and Jews have been killing each other for centuries and the Californians and Alaskans are just starting in.  I might be able to stop them by introducing a new State in northern California made up of Mexicans and Eskimos.”

In other news, Eskimo Ice Cream Pies are still delicious, especially the ones made in California.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Bigfoot Works at Wall Street Journal

Spotted and tracked from NYC subway

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 1, 2007

The Legendary Big Foot, A.K.A. Sasquatch, whose exploits and appearances have amazed and terrified citizens throughout the Western U.S. was found riding the New York City (NYC) subway on the way to work at the Wall Street Journal.  Investigative reporter and part time actress Sally Field tracked him to a cubical at his office and conducted a startlingly frank interview.

“I learned some pretty amazing shit,” said Ms. Field, a well known mom capable of instantly ending wars around the world whenever she feels like it.  “The Sasquatch is one of the new employees that Murdoch brought on board to run the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) after he bought it.  He used to live in Washington State but said all the environmentalists were roaming the woods and messing up his habitat.  He told me that one day he thought to himself, ‘screw this’, and he applied for a job as senior editor at the Journal and got hired.”

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. sealed a $5 billion agreement to purchase the publisher of The Wall Street Journal in August and as part of the agreement said he would make only minor changes at the paper.  Thus far he has been true to his word and has made Homer Simpson publisher and now Tommy Lee the Sasquatch, senior editor.  Other than giving Hooters coupons with new subscriptions and frequent editorials that mention the words “combustion” and “horticulture” there has been little change.  Fields says Lee the Sasquatch is looking forward to bringing a new perspective to the paper.

“Tommy Lee says that he wants the paper to contain more economic minutia and include Olympic Mountain rainfall data so that Americans can better understand minutia and rain,” said Field waxing her lip, then waxing lyrical and then waxing the floor.  “I would never have guessed that Murdoch would bring in a classically trained economist and moisture expert like this Sasquatch, but that’s what he did and I think the paper will be all the better for it.”

In other news; last night it rained an inch on Hurricane Ridge in Washington State and it rained good economic news on the White House in Washington D.C.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid