Alaska Fires Missile on California

Secretary of State returns from Middle East for West Coast Peace talks

Inebriated Press
October 1, 2007

Tired of over priced California veggies and environmental rhetoric from Berkeley, Alaska launched a missile attack on the State of California this past Friday. An intercontinental ballistic missile interceptor blasted out of an underground silo at California’s Vandenberg Air Force Base and tracked and destroyed the Alaskan weapon that had lifted off from the Kodiak Launch Complex in Alaska.  President George W. Bush immediately ordered U.S. Secretary Condoleezza Rice to return to the U.S. from the Middle East and initiate West Coast Peace Talks.  California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger banned all Alaskan crab and formed a politically correct defense team made up of Hollywood actors, illegal Mexicans and gay San Francisco politicians.  Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said she was sick of California being bossy and telling them how to run their oil business.

“California thinks they can tell us what we can do with oil in our state because they provide us pricey vegetables and bad movies,” said Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska and owner of a Baby Seal BBQ franchise.  “The missile we launched was to get their attention.  Unless they start making some good movies and shut up about where and how we pump our oil, I’m taking out Berkeley.” 

The government of California doesn’t see it the way Alaska does.  “They want to pump oil out of barren areas of Alaska where animals walk across the ice and that’s just not acceptable to us,” said Governor Schwarzenegger curling an actress with his left hand and bench pressing some short guy with his right.  “This State buys a lot of oil and should be able to tell people how we want it produced and where it should come from.  Except for the Arabs of course, we can’t tell them anything, but the Americans and Alaskan’s in particular – those people should bow to the demands of California.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice broke off Middle Eastern peace talks just as all Arabs and Jews were about to sign an accord establishing the country of Palestine and formalizing a one hundred year peace deal so that she could begin negotiations between Alaska and California.  “The Middle East will have to wait,” she said racing through the Telaviv Airport and chomping on a lunch of Juju Fruit.  “Arabs and Jews have been killing each other for centuries and the Californians and Alaskans are just starting in.  I might be able to stop them by introducing a new State in northern California made up of Mexicans and Eskimos.”

In other news, Eskimo Ice Cream Pies are still delicious, especially the ones made in California.

© 2007

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