Daily Archives: October 2, 2007

Duke University Admits Problems With Srippergate

Tricky time for athletes, stripper and prosecutor

Inebriated Press
October 2, 2007

Richard H. Brodhead, president of Duke University, apologized last Saturday for not better supporting the men’s lacrosse players falsely accused in last year’s highly publicized rape scandal.  He said it was “only natural” that he believe whatever a stripper named Crystal Magnum says and not his own students.  Brodhead also said he felt bad that Mike Nifong, the former Durham County prosecutor, had to spend 24 hours in jail for lying to the court and withholding critical DNA evidence in the case.   Brodhead kind of wishes things had turned out different.

“The student athletes suffered for weeks as school officials, the media, human rights groups and local and national government officials all called them a bunch of lying rapist bastards who deserved to be castrated, burned, killed and then burned again,” said President Brodhead.  “It wasn’t fair, but kids at Duke are used to that.  I really feel bad for Crystal and Mike, the stripper and prosecutor, who both felt they had to lie in order to ruin the lives of the lacrosse players.  They are the real victims here.  Mike was disbarred and Crystal may have to move to the west coast to make good money stripping again.”

Crystal Magnum accused three Duke lacrosse players of raping her at a team party in March 2006.  As authorities began to investigate the allegations, Brodhead and the university initially suspended the highly ranked team from play. The university president later canceled the remainder of its season and fired Mike Pressler, the team’s longtime coach.  State prosecutors determined in February that the stripper’s story was a lie.  Investigators also found that Durham County prosecutor Mike Nifong had lied and withheld evidence from defense attorneys that he knew would clear the students.  But some think the prosecutor and stripper’s motives were right.

“Athletes get away with way too much in U.S. society,” said Anthony D. Romero, Executive Director of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).  “It’s high time we support strippers and prosecutors who ruin the lives of innocent athletes.  It’s how we level the competitiveness of this capitalist society and make Americans truly equal.  No prosecutor who lies and deceives should have to spend an entire 24 hours in jail.  Who do we think is running this country, Nazi concentration camp generals?”

Brodhead said Duke University is planning a national conference of lawyers, educators and student affairs leaders to discuss how to figure out the complicated “innocent until proven guilty” concept.  Crystal Magnum has been invited to dance during breaks.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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LA Airport Using Drug Sniffing Elephants

Smell sensitive nose great; a few drawbacks

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 2, 2007

Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) has begun using drug sniffing elephants imported from Asia and trained in Columbia.  The 4,000 pound elephants have highly sensitive olfactory systems that allow them to find and track cocaine, marijuana and many other illegal drugs in less than half the time it takes dogs or Hollywood starlets.  The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is finding the great beasts to be very effective and may increase the size of the LAX herd.

“These lovable 2-tonners are gooder than gum when it comes to tracking illegal dope,” said Julie “Sparkles” Godard a part time circus performer and director in charge of drug busts at LAX.  “Sure they step on folks and crush them once in a while but we’ve been nabbing drug smugglers right and left.  I really get a kick out of it when a trafficker tries to run and one of the elephants grabs them and throws them through a wall.”  But not everyone likes the idea.

Busy business traveler Melvin Marvin Moore of 3M says that an elephant crushed his lap top computer and stole his peanuts while he waited for an American Airlines flight.  “They’re too big and clumsy and drop shit the size of my head all over the place,” said Moore hiding a tin of peanuts under his shirt.  “And they steal my nuts and break all my stuff!”

TSA says that every drug enforcement program has some downsides but that the LAX elephant program has been very effective and may be expanded.

“We like the fact that LAX has been busting drug smugglers in half and confiscating the illegal material,” said US drug enforcement expert Skippy “Peanut” Jones.  “We’re starting an elephant breeding program in hanger 15 and hope to grow the herd to one dozen over the next couple of decades.  The big sons of bitches do the job and that’s what counts.”

In other news, Congress will meet in a special session tomorrow and may decide to send elephants to the Middle East in order to convince Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad to end his nuclear program.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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