Duke University Admits Problems With Srippergate

Tricky time for athletes, stripper and prosecutor

Inebriated Press
October 2, 2007

Richard H. Brodhead, president of Duke University, apologized last Saturday for not better supporting the men’s lacrosse players falsely accused in last year’s highly publicized rape scandal.  He said it was “only natural” that he believe whatever a stripper named Crystal Magnum says and not his own students.  Brodhead also said he felt bad that Mike Nifong, the former Durham County prosecutor, had to spend 24 hours in jail for lying to the court and withholding critical DNA evidence in the case.   Brodhead kind of wishes things had turned out different.

“The student athletes suffered for weeks as school officials, the media, human rights groups and local and national government officials all called them a bunch of lying rapist bastards who deserved to be castrated, burned, killed and then burned again,” said President Brodhead.  “It wasn’t fair, but kids at Duke are used to that.  I really feel bad for Crystal and Mike, the stripper and prosecutor, who both felt they had to lie in order to ruin the lives of the lacrosse players.  They are the real victims here.  Mike was disbarred and Crystal may have to move to the west coast to make good money stripping again.”

Crystal Magnum accused three Duke lacrosse players of raping her at a team party in March 2006.  As authorities began to investigate the allegations, Brodhead and the university initially suspended the highly ranked team from play. The university president later canceled the remainder of its season and fired Mike Pressler, the team’s longtime coach.  State prosecutors determined in February that the stripper’s story was a lie.  Investigators also found that Durham County prosecutor Mike Nifong had lied and withheld evidence from defense attorneys that he knew would clear the students.  But some think the prosecutor and stripper’s motives were right.

“Athletes get away with way too much in U.S. society,” said Anthony D. Romero, Executive Director of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).  “It’s high time we support strippers and prosecutors who ruin the lives of innocent athletes.  It’s how we level the competitiveness of this capitalist society and make Americans truly equal.  No prosecutor who lies and deceives should have to spend an entire 24 hours in jail.  Who do we think is running this country, Nazi concentration camp generals?”

Brodhead said Duke University is planning a national conference of lawyers, educators and student affairs leaders to discuss how to figure out the complicated “innocent until proven guilty” concept.  Crystal Magnum has been invited to dance during breaks.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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