LA Airport Using Drug Sniffing Elephants

Smell sensitive nose great; a few drawbacks

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 2, 2007

Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) has begun using drug sniffing elephants imported from Asia and trained in Columbia.  The 4,000 pound elephants have highly sensitive olfactory systems that allow them to find and track cocaine, marijuana and many other illegal drugs in less than half the time it takes dogs or Hollywood starlets.  The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is finding the great beasts to be very effective and may increase the size of the LAX herd.

“These lovable 2-tonners are gooder than gum when it comes to tracking illegal dope,” said Julie “Sparkles” Godard a part time circus performer and director in charge of drug busts at LAX.  “Sure they step on folks and crush them once in a while but we’ve been nabbing drug smugglers right and left.  I really get a kick out of it when a trafficker tries to run and one of the elephants grabs them and throws them through a wall.”  But not everyone likes the idea.

Busy business traveler Melvin Marvin Moore of 3M says that an elephant crushed his lap top computer and stole his peanuts while he waited for an American Airlines flight.  “They’re too big and clumsy and drop shit the size of my head all over the place,” said Moore hiding a tin of peanuts under his shirt.  “And they steal my nuts and break all my stuff!”

TSA says that every drug enforcement program has some downsides but that the LAX elephant program has been very effective and may be expanded.

“We like the fact that LAX has been busting drug smugglers in half and confiscating the illegal material,” said US drug enforcement expert Skippy “Peanut” Jones.  “We’re starting an elephant breeding program in hanger 15 and hope to grow the herd to one dozen over the next couple of decades.  The big sons of bitches do the job and that’s what counts.”

In other news, Congress will meet in a special session tomorrow and may decide to send elephants to the Middle East in order to convince Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad to end his nuclear program.

© 2007

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