Daily Archives: October 3, 2007

Apple Whacks iPhone Hacks

New fix fixes fixers

Inebriated Press
October 3, 2007

Apple issued a software update that creates trouble for some iPhones modified to work with non-AT&T cellular carriers and disables unofficial programs installed on other iPhone handsets.  Some iPhone owners say Apple is screwing with a product that they paid for.  Apple says that they can screw with any product they create whenever they want.  Who is screwing whom?  All we know for sure is that Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon took out a marriage license over the weekend, so they’re probably up to something. 

Apple warned last week that the iPhone update, which adds iTunes Wi-Fi Music, could permanently disable phones that aren’t hooked to AT&T exclusively.  And Access Hollywood says former Baywatch star Anderson has signed up for her third marriage.  Can users keep iPhones hooked up and can Pam Anderson’s new marriage stay connected?  Critics are debating like crazy.

“Apple can’t knock out users who have paid the company to purchase a device that is now theirs,” said Jumbo John Johnson an iPhone user of size and substance.  “And Pam is too much woman for any one guy so this marriage can’t stay hitched no matter what the terms of the deal are.  Neither Apple or Anderson can be locked into situations that they can’t get out of eventually.” 

But Angel Heather Asbestos thinks that a contract is a contract and a deal is a deal.  “Apple holds legal rights to the iPhone system and Pam and Rick have legal documentation backing up their arrangement,” said Asbestos rubbing a pear against her forehead.  “Proprietary rights are held by all the parties and shouldn’t be broken.  Never mind that Apple changes their mind when the feel like it and so does Pam.”

Some hackers say Apple is using scare tactics but Apple says they’re “not proactively” trying to make hacked phones useless.  “We’re just doing whatever we want,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs rubbing a picture of Pam Anderson with both hands.  “And at Apple we’re creative enough to do that.”

Pam Anderson isn’t worried about Apple’s approach.  “What do I care,” said Anderson jiggling a foot to the left.  “I have other fish to fry.”

In other news, the U.S. called Iran’s terrorist guards terrorists and the world is appalled by both the language and the designation.  Said Russian president and former KGB chief Putin, “I don’t know what the U.S. is talking about, these terrorists seem like my kind of guys.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Iranian President Parties in New Orleans

Radioactive mutant running the country

Inebriated Press
October 3, 2007

In a surprising media conference held today at the New Orleans Hooters, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he’d been locked out of Iran for over a year and that a radioactive mutant clone was running the country and pretending to be him. 

According to the Ahmadinejad in Hooters he was tired and bored in January of 2006 and decided he wanted a break.  He temporarily placed an experimental nuclear-powered clone in his place and was smuggled into the U.S. through Mexico.  During the smuggling operation he claimed to be Hugo Gonzalez and said that he wanted to pick melons.  Following the summer melon harvest he went to New Orleans to party.  No one knew he was in the country and living in Louisiana as Gonzalez until today. 

“I’ve been hanging out in the French Quarter drinking and eating Cajun and basically having one hell of a good time,” said Ahmadinejad giving himself a wedgie just for the fun of it.  “I’ve only been kidding about the nuclear power and stuff.  You know the deal, you’re a crazed dictator; you have to do wacky shit like that.  I wanted to return to Iran this summer and tone things down but they won’t let me in.  This clone has really taken over the country.  I’m not sure you can trust the guy.”  But U.S. State Department officials aren’t convinced that the man at Hooters really is the Iranian president.

Speaking to reporters after the news conference in the ladies room at the Holiday Inn Express, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that she had doubts.  “The Iranians do some pretty crazy things but I’m not sure that their president posing as an illegal Mexican immigrant is one of them.  But, on the other hand the stuff about the radioactive mutant running the country does ring true.”

At the hastily arranged media conference Ahmadinejad said that when Iran’s spiritual leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei learned he had attended Mardi Gras this spring and was living with two hookers, he blocked his entry into Iran and then gave the radioactive mutant clone full control of the country.  “I’m not sure how to get back in,” said Ahmadinejad massaging the inner thigh of a stripper sitting next to him.  “After the speeches that my whacked out clone gave in New York last week I thought I’d better come forward.  I don’t want anyone thinking that an Iranian leader is really that crazy.  I’m hoping the U.S. can help me or maybe the Israeli’s.”

In other news, Hooters is offering a new Sunday Pot Roast Sandwich as part of their new Football Menu.  Anyone pretending to be an Iranian president can get 10% off the regular price but only when the Patriots are playing.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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