Daily Archives: October 4, 2007

Putin Crafts Crafty Power Play

Transferring job and power to himself

Inebriated Press
October 4, 2007

The Russian Constitution doesn’t allow a third presidential term, but by positioning himself to become Prime Minister and transferring all relevant powers to that leadership role, President Vladimir Putin stays in power and keeps the Constitution in place.  Crafty?  You bet.  Conniving, lying and cheating?  Absolutely.  Something new for Putin, the former head of the Soviet Union’s KGB?  Nope. Same old, same old.  Make him any safer?  Of course not.  The power player and dictator wanna-be who dreams of old style USSR power and prestige is getting more dangerous every day.  Even his pals think so.

“Recently he’s been talking allot about how beneficial Stalin’s purges were,” said long time friend and KGB hit-man Vladimir Murdrov.  “I liked it until my cousin Boris disappeared after telling Putin that he was wearing his shorts too long.  That got me thinking.  It’s the same shit we used to do back in the day.” 

Historians say Putin is only doing what any good totalitarian leader does.  “Shifting titles around, getting the parliament to give you new powers, all that stuff is classic,” said Neville Chamberlain, a former British prime minister and Hitler mark who learned the hard way.  “He’s doing the same kind of stuff Chavez is doing in Argentina and Ahmadinejad in Iran.  It’s done all the time.  If I were still alive I’d be worried about it.”  Not everyone thinks there is cause for concern.

“There’s nothing to worry about; everything is great,” said Katchim Azleep, a member of the Russian mafia and part time Putin executive assistant.  “Some people with long memories think that a military build up, partnering with global terrorists and renegades, plus crushing any kind of descent, is a bad thing.  But most people with short term memories, who spend most of their time watching reality television, know that there isn’t anything to be concerned about.”  Then with a wink he added, “They’re right of course.  They always are.”

Critics of Russia’s democratic process see this as a further example of the return to the power structures of the Soviet Union.  In that period the formal head of government was merely the figurehead, while the real power lay with the head of the Communist Party.  Today, the prime minister’s role in Russia is very limited. The premier has no say in foreign policy, no control over the ever more powerful security and intelligence services and can be dismissed by the president.  Putin’s three prime ministers have focused on economic policy and been seen as subservient to the Kremlin — something Putin would need to reverse to stay in control.

In an amazing coincidence the political party, United Russia, recently selected its slogan for the parliamentary campaign to be “Putin’s Plan: Russian’s Victory”.  And that was before Putin agreed to lead the party.  “The coincidence and accidents and occasional death of key officials are just popping up as though Putin is destined to lead Russia,” said Ly Kli Stori, a political prognosticator and drug induced coma victim.  “I guess it’s just destiny at work.”

In other news, Hillary Clinton is proposing to Congress that the U.S. Constitution be changed to place Senators from New York in charge of the Federal Government but only if the Senator is a blonde woman who once lived in Arkansas.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Hillary Clinton Caught in bin Laden Love Nest

Says his beard wields power over her

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 4, 2007

Undercover agents working for the CIA discovered Hillary Rodham Clinton, a U.S. Senator and presidential candidate, snuggling with Osama bin Laden under a rock in northern Pakistan today.  Initially the Senator said it wasn’t her and that her name was Cindy Sprite a student from Columbia University.  But when agents mentioned the “I hate Bill” tattoo on her left shoulder, she admitted that she actually was the U.S. presidential candidate.

“Senator Clinton said that bin Laden’s beard was sexy and that Bill couldn’t grow a good one,” said special agent Bob Gibson, a former baseball player and now a secret CIA operative that no one knew about until we just made it public.  “She said that after Bill lied to the grand jury about his relationship with Monica that she felt drawn to the terrorist bin Laden.  She said she didn’t think bin Laden would really do anything bad back then but even though he did since, she still can’t pull away from him.”

Psychiatrists say that falling in love with a dangerous guy after your love has been spurned is not unusual and that Hillary falling for bin Laden after being spurned several times a year by Bill was not a surprise.  “She wants to bond with someone who has power and connections and hates Bill almost as much as she does,” said Doctor Dimm Bulbb a psychiatrist and bed wetter.  “The fact that he’s a terrorist with a great beard just makes it that much easier.”

Negotiations are currently underway between the U.S. and Pakistan and discussions are underway in Congress as everyone tries to figure out what to do next.  Senator Clinton says she wants to “stay by bin Laden’s side” yet also feels that she can explain her actions as that of a presidential candidate carrying out due diligence prior to the election.  She says she understands terrorism and terrorists better now and is the best candidate available to run the United States. 

The U.S. Military and the U.S. State Department both feel Senator Clinton should be moved from Pakistan to Cuba and kept at Guantanamo Bay.  Howard Dean, head of the Democrat Party feels she should run for office and be elected president.  Pakistan wants the Senator to stay there and share power with embattled General Pervez Musharraf.  “I could use a good hard ass like her in my government,” said Musharraf.  “If I can get her away from bin Laden.”

In related news, Republicans say that if Senator Clinton did win the U.S. presidency and divorced Bill and married bin Laden they would argue that Osama shouldn’t be allowed to become the First Lady.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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