Says his beard wields power over her
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 4, 2007
Undercover agents working for the CIA discovered Hillary Rodham Clinton, a U.S. Senator and presidential candidate, snuggling with Osama bin Laden under a rock in northern Pakistan today. Initially the Senator said it wasn’t her and that her name was Cindy Sprite a student from Columbia University. But when agents mentioned the “I hate Bill” tattoo on her left shoulder, she admitted that she actually was the U.S. presidential candidate.
“Senator Clinton said that bin Laden’s beard was sexy and that Bill couldn’t grow a good one,” said special agent Bob Gibson, a former baseball player and now a secret CIA operative that no one knew about until we just made it public. “She said that after Bill lied to the grand jury about his relationship with Monica that she felt drawn to the terrorist bin Laden. She said she didn’t think bin Laden would really do anything bad back then but even though he did since, she still can’t pull away from him.”
Psychiatrists say that falling in love with a dangerous guy after your love has been spurned is not unusual and that Hillary falling for bin Laden after being spurned several times a year by Bill was not a surprise. “She wants to bond with someone who has power and connections and hates Bill almost as much as she does,” said Doctor Dimm Bulbb a psychiatrist and bed wetter. “The fact that he’s a terrorist with a great beard just makes it that much easier.”
Negotiations are currently underway between the U.S. and Pakistan and discussions are underway in Congress as everyone tries to figure out what to do next. Senator Clinton says she wants to “stay by bin Laden’s side” yet also feels that she can explain her actions as that of a presidential candidate carrying out due diligence prior to the election. She says she understands terrorism and terrorists better now and is the best candidate available to run the United States.
The U.S. Military and the U.S. State Department both feel Senator Clinton should be moved from Pakistan to Cuba and kept at Guantanamo Bay. Howard Dean, head of the Democrat Party feels she should run for office and be elected president. Pakistan wants the Senator to stay there and share power with embattled General Pervez Musharraf. “I could use a good hard ass like her in my government,” said Musharraf. “If I can get her away from bin Laden.”
In related news, Republicans say that if Senator Clinton did win the U.S. presidency and divorced Bill and married bin Laden they would argue that Osama shouldn’t be allowed to become the First Lady.
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