Daily Archives: October 5, 2007

Big Money in Human Parts and Screws

New company sees “huge opportunity”

Inebriated Press
October 5, 2007

A Texas man who found out that the bone implanted in his neck to relieve back pain was stolen from a corpse is suing a medical technology company for fraud and negligence.  And police have arrested a man in Germany for stealing more than 1 million screws from his employer and selling them on the Internet.  The Texas man and the company that had the hardware supplies stolen say they’ve both been screwed and want restitution.  But a New Jersey company sees it differently.  They say the crimes show how much demand has increased for human body parts and screws and they have plans for cashing in.

Acme Human Parts and Screws was founded last week and immediately formed a venture with the Chinese government to distribute human organs and factory made hardware to buyers in the U.S and Canada.  China has developed a reputation for having speedy body part availability ever since they began selling the organs of political prisoners in an effort to eliminate freedom lovers and to generate money for 2008 Beijing Olympic stadiums.

“When you see American morticians stealing body parts from cadavers and selling them to doctors, you know that demand is pretty darn strong,” said Acme CEO Frank Enstien.  “And screw sales on the Internet have leapt 45%.  Put together a company that can deliver these items fast and cheap to meet the demand and you’ve got a recipe for making big bucks.”

Frank Enstien knows what he’s talking about.  His first business success came when he formed a company to sell low cost lead and asbestos based breast implants to Hollywood doctors and starlets.  That company was also a venture with the Chinese government and was highly successful until it was discovered that the breasts were causing cancer in mice living within two miles of the user.  Enstien thinks the new company can avoid health and legal problems.

“The Chinese have an oversupply of people and screws and there is growing North American demand for elements of both,” said the Acme CEO removing the heart of the guy sitting next to him and storing it in a box of screws.  “No one will stop the Chinese from taking their excess people apart and selling them any more than the U.S. can stop them from selling us stuff with lead.  I have a plan to sell packaged deals to U.S. and Canadian doctors so they’ll use the screws to attach the body parts.  Now we’re talking sales leverage.  Is this an exciting opportunity or what!” 

Not everyone agrees with Acme or those who want to use Chinese political prisoners’ body parts.  “We have enough unwanted children here in the U.S. that we can sell parts from,” said Steve Trombley CEO of U.S. based Planned Parenthood.  “If the government and crazy religious people would get off our backs we could expand our operations to harvest and sell these kids parts and start harvesting folks with Alzheimer’s and healthy people with psychological problems, or individuals who simply disagree with me.  We don’t need the Chinese help.  There are millions of potential American donors walking around all of us.”

In other news, dogs continue to lick their parts and have a few stolen, but don’t trade them for money. 

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. and Ukraine Buy “don’t worry, be happy” Line

West settles with North Korea and Russia
Finally some things are fixed for good

Inebriated Press
October 5, 2007

Russia said they reached a gas payment deal with the Ukraine this week and the United States hailed an agreement for North Korea to disable its main nuclear reactor complex.  Europeans had been worried about the Ukraine-Russian gas dispute because Russia occasionally cuts off gas going through a pipeline to the Ukraine which also supplies parts of Europe.  Russia says the Ukraine has agreed to pay a gas debt of $1.3 billion even though the Ukraine says they don’t really owe it.  And the U.S. is happy with North Korea’s claim that they’ll shut down a nuclear reactor since the U.S. has started shipping them millions of dollars worth of fuel and other things.  $25 million worth of fuel oil was delivered by the U.S. to North Korea this week.  These sort of deals have been made before and the West has ended up screwed as the takers have broken their promises to the givers.  But things look fine this time.  If you believe that you’ll also what to know that all the problems in the Middle East will be fixed next week and we’re all taking the winter off to do nothing but drink hot chocolate and suck cinnamon sticks.

“Russia is done shaking down the Ukraine for a while, I’m sure of it,” said Tom Jones, an expert in Russian culture and a part time pop singer.  “They’ll probably not do it again until later this winter.  I suppose they’ll be back whacking them and frightening Europe.  It’s not the money really; it’s Russia’s way of being relevant.  It’s the same with the North Koreans.  Putin and the jump suit nut in North Korea are peas in the same pod.”  Not everyone agrees.

Speaking to the Dictators for Life Club in Beverly Hills, U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi discussed Russia and North Korea.  “Putin and The Korean Guy are just swell,” said Pelosi eating a Danish and washing it down with a quart of Vodka.  “I just love the Korean jump suits and Vladimir’s way of slapping other countries around.  I’d like to have a pink jump suit and some Red power myself some day.  I’m not really the dictator type, more of a Socialist Totalitarian; but don’t quote me on that without good pictures.”

North Korea caved in to the demands of the West and made a promise to change their nuclear ways after grudgingly accepting millions in cash and prizes from the U.S.; and Russia caved in to the demands of the Ukraine and promised to sell them more gas after grudgingly agreeing to accept billions of dollars from the Ukraine for gas that they didn’t buy.  Some say this proves that Russian and North Korean leaders can be trusted and others say it proves that the West is so gullible that most grade school children could beat us in negotiations.

In other news, Halloween is coming and Kim Jong-il and Vladimir Putin plan to get into the spirit of things by yelling “trick or treat” prior to upcoming shake downs for more candy and money.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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