Daily Archives: October 8, 2007

Obama’s Chocolate Dipped Genital Scandal

Dick dipp’n trouble at DQ according to GQ

Inebriated Press  \ Tabloid Division
October 8, 2007

Gentleman’s Quarterly Magazine (GQ) reports that Senator and presidential hopeful Barack Obama refused to pay for a gallon of Dairy Queen (DQ) chocolate he dipped his genitals into at a DQ ice cream store in Chicago last weekend.  Reportedly Obama used the ice cream cone chocolate dipping vat to coat his body parts, and then refused to pay DQ enough to cover the total cost of covering his stuff.  Niles Kibiz, the stores manager, said he didn’t really mind Obama using the gallon chocolate cone dipper as long as he paid for all of the chocolate.  He said that Obama only wanted to pay for the amount that stuck to him.  Officials have begun weighing in on the issue.

Democrat National Committee (DNC) chief Howard Dean said that DQ was being unreasonable and is trying to “profiteer” on Obama’s habit and political profile.  But DQ’s Kibiz said that his store doesn’t have other chocolate “genital dipping customers” to divide the cost among and that Obama owes for the entire gallon of chocolate that the container held.  GQ says that the DNC wants the Illinois Attorney’s General (AG) office to investigate.  What happens next in the Obama-DQ dip’n dick and payment duck’n deal?

“I suppose we’ll have to look into this,” said Sylvia Plath, Illinois Attorney General and dead poet.  “But chocolate or not, this whole thing is pretty distasteful to me.  Kind of creeps me out when I think about the number of Peanut Buster Parfaits that I’ve eaten there.” 

Chocolate fanciers feel differently.  “I completely understand what Obama is into,” said Honey Ann Brown a lawyer of ill repute and part time defense contractor.  “What normal person wouldn’t want to coat their parts in sweet chocolate?  I’d do it if DQ would let me.  And why pay for the whole gallon?  The remaining chocolate is still good enough to use for specialty items.”

Reportedly Obama has been feeling depressed since falling in the polls against Hillary Clinton in the race for the Democratic nomination for president.  GQ said an aide told the magazine that when he feels low Obama likes to engage in his favorite hobby to perk himself up.  “There’s nothing like a bit of chocolate coating here and there to get me upbeat,” Obama once told a staffer at an all night Twister contest.  “Makes me all sweet and sticky and I like that.”

GQ is planning a presidential candidate pictorial in an upcoming issue of the magazine and hopes DQ will sponsor a dipping contest / photo shoot.  Said GQ editor Francie Nubile, “Everybody likes sticky chocolate but hates politicians.  We think that by combining chocolate and politicians we’ll have a magazine that people will want to see.  We plan to give out some Chocolate Nut Cluster coupons with this issue too.”

In other news, Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton says she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about being sweet or sticky and likes herself just the way she is.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. Short Guns and Cocaine

Iraq turns to China for arms
Addicts turn to opium

Inebriated Press
October 8, 2007

Iraq is buying $100 million worth of military equipment from China because the U.S. can barely keep its own troops equipped and can’t fill the order.  And Mexico’s crackdown on drug cartels has created a cocaine shortage in the U.S. so addicts may turn to Afghanistan where opium production is booming.  Experts are concerned that Iraq’s inability to account for 200,000 weapons that the U.S. did provide them means they are supplying their own insurgents and U.S. drug enforcement officials are concerned that the U.S. cocaine shortage means more Hollywood movies will be shot in the Middle East so opium supply lines can be established.  Not everyone is worried that these events are bad.

“The increased opium trade and Chinese weapons deal will help stabilize the weak Afghan economy and maintain China’s economic boom,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  “The combination will allow Afghanistan to modernize agricultural technology and provide cash to the Chinese that will enable them to purchase U.S. pork products.  This is not only nothing to fear, it’s the best thing that could be happening.”

Not everyone is as optimistic as Senator Reid.  “He’s out of his gourd and not as good looking,” said Henry Higgins, a professor of phonetics and dabbler in the lives of innocent British street walkers.  “Iraq can’t keep track of the weapons they already have and they’re using U.S. financial aid to buy more from the Chinese?  Now we know who’s using all the cocaine up.  Our only hope is that the terrorists become as stoned as the current Iraqi government.”

According to Iraqi President Jalal Talabani only one in five Iraqi police officers is armed and they need more weapons from someplace.  But U.S. military analysts say Iraq’s security forces already cannot account for some 190,000 weapons already provided by the U.S., including 110,000 AK47 assault rifles supplied in 2004-05.  They say the Iraqi government has no plan for making sure that weapons are properly monitored and don’t even look under beds and in closets.  “They just ask around and take peoples word for it,” said secret agent “B”.  “Even I make women undress and check them out for stuff.”

The cocaine shortage in the U.S. has driven up prices to their highest levels in nearly two decades, with the cost of cocaine increasing 24%, from $95.89 to $118.70 per gram over the six-month period ending in June, according to the Office of National Drug Control Policy.  Los Angeles, San Francisco, Phoenix, Washington and New York are among the cities reportedly experiencing shortages.  “I can’t find shit,” said Hollywood starlet and drug dealer/user Paris Hilton.  “And damn it, I have connections.”

The shortages seem surprising to some.   “Who could have guessed that the world would be facing a drug and gun shortage,” asked Suzy Q a short haired Pomeranian known for glib comments about world events.  “I guess things really did change after the Democrats took over Congress.  I know that watching them on C-Span for any length of time makes me want to shoot stuff and sniff snow.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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