Obama’s Chocolate Dipped Genital Scandal

Dick dipp’n trouble at DQ according to GQ

Inebriated Press  \ Tabloid Division
October 8, 2007

Gentleman’s Quarterly Magazine (GQ) reports that Senator and presidential hopeful Barack Obama refused to pay for a gallon of Dairy Queen (DQ) chocolate he dipped his genitals into at a DQ ice cream store in Chicago last weekend.  Reportedly Obama used the ice cream cone chocolate dipping vat to coat his body parts, and then refused to pay DQ enough to cover the total cost of covering his stuff.  Niles Kibiz, the stores manager, said he didn’t really mind Obama using the gallon chocolate cone dipper as long as he paid for all of the chocolate.  He said that Obama only wanted to pay for the amount that stuck to him.  Officials have begun weighing in on the issue.

Democrat National Committee (DNC) chief Howard Dean said that DQ was being unreasonable and is trying to “profiteer” on Obama’s habit and political profile.  But DQ’s Kibiz said that his store doesn’t have other chocolate “genital dipping customers” to divide the cost among and that Obama owes for the entire gallon of chocolate that the container held.  GQ says that the DNC wants the Illinois Attorney’s General (AG) office to investigate.  What happens next in the Obama-DQ dip’n dick and payment duck’n deal?

“I suppose we’ll have to look into this,” said Sylvia Plath, Illinois Attorney General and dead poet.  “But chocolate or not, this whole thing is pretty distasteful to me.  Kind of creeps me out when I think about the number of Peanut Buster Parfaits that I’ve eaten there.” 

Chocolate fanciers feel differently.  “I completely understand what Obama is into,” said Honey Ann Brown a lawyer of ill repute and part time defense contractor.  “What normal person wouldn’t want to coat their parts in sweet chocolate?  I’d do it if DQ would let me.  And why pay for the whole gallon?  The remaining chocolate is still good enough to use for specialty items.”

Reportedly Obama has been feeling depressed since falling in the polls against Hillary Clinton in the race for the Democratic nomination for president.  GQ said an aide told the magazine that when he feels low Obama likes to engage in his favorite hobby to perk himself up.  “There’s nothing like a bit of chocolate coating here and there to get me upbeat,” Obama once told a staffer at an all night Twister contest.  “Makes me all sweet and sticky and I like that.”

GQ is planning a presidential candidate pictorial in an upcoming issue of the magazine and hopes DQ will sponsor a dipping contest / photo shoot.  Said GQ editor Francie Nubile, “Everybody likes sticky chocolate but hates politicians.  We think that by combining chocolate and politicians we’ll have a magazine that people will want to see.  We plan to give out some Chocolate Nut Cluster coupons with this issue too.”

In other news, Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton says she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about being sweet or sticky and likes herself just the way she is.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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