Daily Archives: October 9, 2007

U.S. Imports News Control Technique From China

Dem’s adapt approach as “healthy vision”

Inebriated Press
October 9, 2007

The official news out of China is going to be just that: official news as approved by the Chinese government.  Following a July report on cardboard pork buns, China declared that the story was fabricated and not the pork, and then locked up the reporter for “infringing the reputation of a commodity”.  Media outlets were ordered to stop investigative reporting and the government dispatched teams of academics and officials to lecture news editors and executives on the dangers of telling stories that may cause public anxiety and tarnish China’s image.  But some see the demise of the Chinese free press a model to be emulated.

“Here in the U.S. my Party has pretty much taken control of the major media so things aren’t too bad,” said U.S. Speaker of the House and Democrat Nancy Pelosi.  “But we still have yet to gain control of Fox News and a few radio talk shows that keep telling people the other side of our political plans.  That’s very irritating.  We’ve tried introducing bills in Congress to give us more control but we keep getting stopped, and there’s only so much that PBS can do.  Chinese officials have it a lot better than us.  I sure wish I had the control they have.  Maybe after next falls elections I can lock that up.  It’s a practical way to improve governance and the perception of politics and power in America.”

Not everyone is comfortable with government media control in China or of the left wing Democrats growing control in the U.S.  “The New York Times makes up articles; CNN reprints data directly from left wing blogs and Dan Rather uses news that puts philosophy over facts.  I’m not so sure we have much over the Chinese right now,” said XYZ, a historian and media expert so disgusted by reality that he stopped using a real name.  “Hopefully Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet, will be able to rectify the problem by inventing truth in reporting.  I don’t honestly see it happening though.  He can’t find his own socks, let alone a fact.”

Japan’s Asahi Shimbun reports that top on the list of taboo subjects for the Chinese press is questioning the legitimacy of one-party rule.  Additional issues include speculating about personnel reshuffling in the government, reporting on military spending and operations, and coverage on the personal and business activities of political leaders.  That’s the same list of stuff that Pelosi, Kennedy, Clinton, Reid and other Dem’s are using and want to keep from Americans.  But keeping it from Americans, just like the Chinese, is ultimately for our own good.

“American’s are too busy working and raising families and worrying about health care to get bogged down in policy and taxation issues,” said Pelosi picking the pocket of a small businessman walking past her.  “Citizens need to put their trust in the honorable officials of my party and allow us to properly manage government and policy.  We’ll take care of them and give them free health care and retirement plans and end wars and bring a better and brighter future to all.  If Americans would only put their trust in Hillary, Harry Reid and me we could fix everything.  All we really need is control of the federal government and the ability to reallocate all American’s personal finances.  Why would anyone be uncomfortable with that?”

In other news, China has declared the country “perfect”, and Nancy Pelosi thinks she is too.  Both declarations are supported as “completely accurate” by an exhaustive New York Times survey of New York Times staff, with only janitors abstaining.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Love, Sex and War

New French military exhibit on sex during warfare

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
October 9, 2007

“Loves, Wars and Sexuality 1914-1945” is a new exhibition currently at the Army Museum in the Invalides military complex in Paris, France.  According to the display eroticism was harnessed by all of the governments involved in both World Wars to encourage recruitment and to beef up spirits.

“Our aim is to help understand sexuality better, by looking at it through the prism of war,” says Fab Virgil, the curator and a guy who enjoys talking sex in a military complex.  “Banging broads and shooting Germans was the thing to do back in those wars.  I guess something like it has been going on since.  The Yanks bailed us out of both those wars though, so I guess we French are better with broads than war.” 

Sex displays in a French military complex has become pretty standard and there are more displays of sex involving violence planned for the future.  “Sex and violence has long been part of the French experience,” said an unnamed French military attaché and vegetarian pacifist currently in charge of the nuclear program.  “We like to focus on the sex part.”

Since the face of Helen first launched a thousand ships against Troy, sex and warfare have been intimate companions.  Governments use sex to recruit.  The French displays include posters of bare-breasted women urging no surrender in 1914 France juxtaposed with images of muscle-bound American sailors, loading penis-like missiles in World War II. There are photos of a German blockhouse on the French Atlantic coast bearing a life-size mural of a perky bare-breasted woman in a shower. In a snap-shot from World War I, a North-African French soldier lies beside a sand sculpture of a naked girl on a Belgian beach – there’s no indication of how well he “made out”.

“I’m not much for war and fighting and stuff, including the common cold,” said Fab the curator, wiping his nose on his sleeve.  Fab is both curator and a top flight bikini wax salesman who protests war and peace on his days off.  “I enjoy the artistry of the nude pictures and soft core porn and the eroticism of the muscular American sailors and that kind of thing,” He says.  “I guess I’m not much of a fighter and I suppose that’s why I don’t care much for war.  But I once fought off a crowd to get to a sweater that was on sale.”

The exhibition includes a rare example of World War I American condoms — not so different from todays except for the hooks and laces — and intimate pictures of disease-ridden organs.  In a 1916 photograph Senegalese auxiliaries bare their buttocks for mercury injections to combat syphilis.

“Things weren’t much different in those days than they are today,” said Fab rubbing up against a chair leg.  “Sex and violence is as much a part of a good time today as it was nearly a century ago.  I suppose that’s the nature of procreation.  At least we still try that in France.” 

In other news, government statistics show that even with immigration the population of France is falling.  It looks like the French aren’t good at war or sex in the 21st Century.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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