Daily Archives: October 10, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Freed, Cow Arrested

Lindsay Bails Rehab; Cow Jailed for Car Crash

Inebriated Press
October 10, 2007

Just hours after Lindsay Lohan left Cirque Lodge treatment center in Utah having completed rehab for drug use that had resulted in car wrecks, police captured and arrested a Cambodian cow for causing traffic accidents resulting in at least six people’s deaths.  Lohan says she’s clean and will never wreck a car while on alcohol or drugs, and the cow argued that she was not under the influence of ethanol when she caused the accidents.  Critics are debating both claims.

“I’ve heard this talk from Lindsay and Bessie the cow before and I have to say that it sounds nice, but rings hollow to me,” said Angus Holstein, a movie critic and bovine enthusiast.  “It’s sad to know that so many young starlets and calves are taking recreational and performance enhancing drugs, but it’s true.  I’ll believe Lindsay and Bessie when they agree to and pass routine third-party blood tests.”

Lohan checked into Cirque Lodge in early August, days after her second DUI arrest in less than two months and after two attempts at rehab.  The second arrest, she says, was her “rock-bottom” and she claims she has changed her life since.  Bessie, a white, 1.5-meter tall cow was standing in the middle of a main road Monday night when a 66-year-old motorcyclist crashed into the animal and died.  Earlier this year, the same cow was responsible for another traffic accident that resulted in the death of five people and several injuries, when a truck veered off the road and crashed as its driver tried to avoid the animal.

“I’m relieved that Bessie is in jail but really nervous that Lindsay is on the loose,” said Evel Knievel, a motorcycle daredevil who only fears Hollywood starlets and cows.  “I’ll jump a cycle over a flaming river of gas in a minute, but I’m scared shitless to drive on a road where cows or Lohan travel.  Hand me that Metamucil and Tylenol will yah.”

Lohan says she’ll live in Utah from now on and to avoid being tempted by drugs she may wed Allen Steed a local polygamist recently convicted for marrying a 14 year old child.  “I’m tired of the drug problems and distractions,” said Lohan flipping through the Wife Wanted pages of Polygamist Today Magazine.  “I’m thinking about trying a sex cult relationship instead.  It would be kind of different and give me new a perspective on things.  My folks may be doing it right now and I don’t even know it.”

In other news, Mad Cow Magazine is running a profile on Bessie the Cambodian Car Wrecker in its November issue and reportedly Hillary Clinton has a sidebar interview.  Hillary talks openly about the tortured life of gay cows forced to live with bulls until they snap and stand in the middle of highways. 

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Jennifer Lopez Sells Left Breast For Charity

Bidder to mount new trophy next to Jackalope

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
October 10, 2007

In an amazing exhibition of philanthropy, singer and actress Jennifer Lopez has auctioned her left breast and donated the money to the Support a Monkey Foundation.  The Foundation was established in 1964 to keep monkeys from being launched into space against their will by NASA and was later expanded to care for monkeys with dementia after being used by Jerry Lewis in his movies.  Lopez breast was purchased by a baseball executive for $17,500 and he says he’s mounting it above his fire place next to a Jackalope – a rabbit with antlers – that he shot in Australia.  The Foundation is pleased, but not everyone is happy with what Lopez did.

“She should keep her tits to herself and not flagrantly sell them to guys who hunt stuff,” said Valerie Valerah an executive at the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).  “Normally we like to see people do things that favor animals over humans, but we’d rather Lopez flaunt her knockers in our anti-meat-eater ads.  Guess those days are gone now.”

Over the years PETA has signed up a number of actresses for nude advertisements that encourage people to reject meat eating, fur wearing and generally acting like normal people.  Pamela Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith and recently Alicia Silverstone have all bared their flesh to bash common Americans lifestyles.  But Lopez isn’t among them and some people are glad about that.

“I don’t know if J-Lo should be selling off her jugs to help monkey’s threatened in the 1960’s,” said Bob Cob a notorious gambler and breast lover known to eat off of the floor of his apartment.  “I’m no genius, but who gives a rip about an old monkey when you’ve got perky tits.  J-Lo’s way too sentimental about monkeys I think.”

But Bud Selig an avid hunter and current commissioner of baseball isn’t complaining.  “That boob will look just great next to my Jackalope,” said Selig picking his teeth with an oar.  “It’ll help me take my mind off this Barry Bonds steroid stuff.”

In other news, J-Lo says she’s not sure that she’ll actually let Bud Selig have her breast and may do a lap dance to help him take his mind off steroids instead.  Selig has indicated an eager yet subtle leaning toward letting her keep her breast and do the lap thing.  And PETA is considering buying Pam Andersons breasts from 2001 since she’s traded up to a new pair.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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