Bidder to mount new trophy next to Jackalope
Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
October 10, 2007
In an amazing exhibition of philanthropy, singer and actress Jennifer Lopez has auctioned her left breast and donated the money to the Support a Monkey Foundation. The Foundation was established in 1964 to keep monkeys from being launched into space against their will by NASA and was later expanded to care for monkeys with dementia after being used by Jerry Lewis in his movies. Lopez breast was purchased by a baseball executive for $17,500 and he says he’s mounting it above his fire place next to a Jackalope – a rabbit with antlers – that he shot in Australia. The Foundation is pleased, but not everyone is happy with what Lopez did.
“She should keep her tits to herself and not flagrantly sell them to guys who hunt stuff,” said Valerie Valerah an executive at the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). “Normally we like to see people do things that favor animals over humans, but we’d rather Lopez flaunt her knockers in our anti-meat-eater ads. Guess those days are gone now.”
Over the years PETA has signed up a number of actresses for nude advertisements that encourage people to reject meat eating, fur wearing and generally acting like normal people. Pamela Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith and recently Alicia Silverstone have all bared their flesh to bash common Americans lifestyles. But Lopez isn’t among them and some people are glad about that.
“I don’t know if J-Lo should be selling off her jugs to help monkey’s threatened in the 1960’s,” said Bob Cob a notorious gambler and breast lover known to eat off of the floor of his apartment. “I’m no genius, but who gives a rip about an old monkey when you’ve got perky tits. J-Lo’s way too sentimental about monkeys I think.”
But Bud Selig an avid hunter and current commissioner of baseball isn’t complaining. “That boob will look just great next to my Jackalope,” said Selig picking his teeth with an oar. “It’ll help me take my mind off this Barry Bonds steroid stuff.”
In other news, J-Lo says she’s not sure that she’ll actually let Bud Selig have her breast and may do a lap dance to help him take his mind off steroids instead. Selig has indicated an eager yet subtle leaning toward letting her keep her breast and do the lap thing. And PETA is considering buying Pam Andersons breasts from 2001 since she’s traded up to a new pair.
© 2007 Inebriated Press