Lindsay Lohan Freed, Cow Arrested

Lindsay Bails Rehab; Cow Jailed for Car Crash

Inebriated Press
October 10, 2007

Just hours after Lindsay Lohan left Cirque Lodge treatment center in Utah having completed rehab for drug use that had resulted in car wrecks, police captured and arrested a Cambodian cow for causing traffic accidents resulting in at least six people’s deaths.  Lohan says she’s clean and will never wreck a car while on alcohol or drugs, and the cow argued that she was not under the influence of ethanol when she caused the accidents.  Critics are debating both claims.

“I’ve heard this talk from Lindsay and Bessie the cow before and I have to say that it sounds nice, but rings hollow to me,” said Angus Holstein, a movie critic and bovine enthusiast.  “It’s sad to know that so many young starlets and calves are taking recreational and performance enhancing drugs, but it’s true.  I’ll believe Lindsay and Bessie when they agree to and pass routine third-party blood tests.”

Lohan checked into Cirque Lodge in early August, days after her second DUI arrest in less than two months and after two attempts at rehab.  The second arrest, she says, was her “rock-bottom” and she claims she has changed her life since.  Bessie, a white, 1.5-meter tall cow was standing in the middle of a main road Monday night when a 66-year-old motorcyclist crashed into the animal and died.  Earlier this year, the same cow was responsible for another traffic accident that resulted in the death of five people and several injuries, when a truck veered off the road and crashed as its driver tried to avoid the animal.

“I’m relieved that Bessie is in jail but really nervous that Lindsay is on the loose,” said Evel Knievel, a motorcycle daredevil who only fears Hollywood starlets and cows.  “I’ll jump a cycle over a flaming river of gas in a minute, but I’m scared shitless to drive on a road where cows or Lohan travel.  Hand me that Metamucil and Tylenol will yah.”

Lohan says she’ll live in Utah from now on and to avoid being tempted by drugs she may wed Allen Steed a local polygamist recently convicted for marrying a 14 year old child.  “I’m tired of the drug problems and distractions,” said Lohan flipping through the Wife Wanted pages of Polygamist Today Magazine.  “I’m thinking about trying a sex cult relationship instead.  It would be kind of different and give me new a perspective on things.  My folks may be doing it right now and I don’t even know it.”

In other news, Mad Cow Magazine is running a profile on Bessie the Cambodian Car Wrecker in its November issue and reportedly Hillary Clinton has a sidebar interview.  Hillary talks openly about the tortured life of gay cows forced to live with bulls until they snap and stand in the middle of highways. 

© 2007

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