Daily Archives: October 11, 2007

The Importance of Eating Shit

E.coli sickens U.S., goes unnoticed in China

Inebriated Press
October 11, 2007

In the past couple of years the U.S. has experienced a growing onslaught of food related illness and recalls.  Most recently a record setting 22 million pounds of E.coli laced ground beef was recalled followed quickly by salmonella infected pot pies.  Last year it was E.coli in spinach and salmonella in peanut butter.  All of these recalls have resulted in illness by dozens and in some cases hundreds of people — many of them children.  Meanwhile the Chinese are ingesting everything from E.coli and salmonella to anti freeze, asbestos and lead while overall Chinese health improves and the population booms.  What’s going on here?

Has U.S. technology caused our food to be less healthy or has it resulted in untested immune systems that can’t hold up under a bit of pressure?  The Chinese may rule the world of the future, not because they’re better than we are, but because we have no immunity to common micro organisms.  It happened to the Native Americans who were smitten by Small Pox.  Here we go again?

“I eat cow shit on wheat every day just to keep my immune system strong,” said Ralph Nader, a consumer advocate and wild eyed guy who’s been living on the edge for the past three decades.  “I can eat anything and it no longer has any affect on me.  I ate my own underwear once and other than feeling a draft I felt great.”

Doctors and food safety experts disagree on whether Nader has stumbled onto some semblance of common sense or if he’s still a nut case.  “The American food system is the safest in the world and we must continue to improve the quality and safety of our foods,” said Dr. David Acheson, Assistant Commissioner for Food Protection at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA).  “Using radiation to kill all the bugs in our food will continue to be expanded and so will the use of strong disinfectants on our farms, in our food plants in America’s bathrooms next to our sinks and everyplace we might find a bug that could touch our bodies.  I started drinking bleach water straight last year, just to kill the micro organisms in my own body.  I feel like shit, but I won’t eat it or let it live in me if it slips in.”

Some lawmakers are urging the FDA and USDA to hire Chinese health officials and put them in charge of the U.S. food supply.  “The Chinese are very prolific and are having abortions and killing off citizens constantly just to control the population and descent,” said Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House.  “They can eat anything without being harmed and that’s what we need in the U.S.  Fortunately their political philosophy also meshes perfectly with mine.  Gosh I love the way those guys do things.”

Not everyone is comfortable with Nader or Pelosi’s approach.  “Communism is clearly better for civil liberties than Democracies so I tend to lean toward Pelosi’s view,” said Anthony Romero, Executive Director of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).  “I struggle with Nader’s shit sandwich plan but would like to see some Republicans and those on the Religious Right try it.”

In other news, Trent Lott the Senate Minority Whip says that the political platform supported by Democrats and the ACLU already amounts to a shit sandwich and that Americans immunity to ingesting bad policy is already too high.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on The Importance of Eating Shit

Filed under Humor, IP News

Elvis Appears on CNN’s Larry King

Audience can’t tell which one is alive

Inebriated Press /Tabloid Division
October 11, 2007

In an entertainment scheduling coup the late great Elvis Presley made an appearance on CNN’s Larry King Live.  Presley sat in a chair across from King last night and looked tan and fit but didn’t move or speak.  King was able to move a little but looked pale and gaunt.  Despite what appeared to be a programming victory of unimaginable proportions, the program fell flat.  Elvis did nothing and Larry dozed off.  The audience became restless and started removing the seats and eating the stuffing.  Still, some attendees had a good time.

“I was hoping Elvis might swing his pelvis or at least move,” said the Geico lizard who was in the audience.  “I’m a big Elvis fan even though he’s been dead for years, and I skipped shooting a commercial with a cute blonde for this.  I’m a blonde fan too and when King started snoring and I began to think Elvis was stuffed, I became disenchanted.  I did enjoy eating my seat cushion though.”

Some were actually happy with the King program.  “I liked it and never mind that Elvis didn’t look alive and King looked dead,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, slapping a nearby bomb defusing expert for being too conservative.  “I’ve been working with Harry Reid these last few years and both King and The King looked good to me.”

CNN’s ratings have been falling hard over the last several months, largely because of their fake news stories and tendency to accept and report unquestioned anything that the far left purports as news.  Lately they’ve tried digging up dead actors and politicians and tying them in chairs with rope and then conducting “interviews”.  They say it’s actually been working pretty well. 

“For a while we had to tie smart people into chairs with ropes to get them to stay and interview for us,” said a CNN executive producer who refused to let us use his name.  “But they kept squirming away.  Then it became hard to keep the stupid ones even when they weren’t very lucid.  So we started using straw stuffed dummies and dead people.  Not much different than what we’d had before actually, and a lot easier to talk to.”

In other news, Fox News reports that Elvis is still dead and Larry King and CNN are both suspect.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

Comments Off on Elvis Appears on CNN’s Larry King

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid