Daily Archives: October 12, 2007

Carter Needed Reagan Bail-out But Bashes Bush

Inept former-president condemns current war time leader

Inebriated Press
October 12, 2007

Former president Jimmy Carter is once again bashing the U.S. approach to the Middle East saying that by putting terrorists in cold jail cells the U.S. is torturing them and deserves another 911.  Carter’s expertise in the Middle East was gleaned from his failure to free U.S. hostages held in Iran in 1979.  The former president dabbled with the “Iranian Hostage Crisis” until he lost re-election to Ronald Reagan and Iran fearing what the new president might do to them, released all the hostages.

In 1979 Iranian Muslim extremists, including current Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, took over the U.S. embassy in that country and held 63 U.S. diplomats and other hostages.  Carter oversaw an attempt to free them by sending a team of U.S. military personnel in helicopters secretly into the desert.  After deploying them Carter got cold feet and ordered them back, causing an unexpected desert turnaround disaster that resulted in the death of five American Air Force Airmen and three U.S. Marines.  After Carter lost re-election to Ronald Reagan and Reagan stated a hard-line policy towards Iran, Iran released all the U.S. hostages literally minutes before Reagan was officially sworn in as Carter’s successor.

“From my vast experience in desert war, political espionage and the Iranian Hostage Crisis, I’ve decided to assuage my guilt about looking at Playboy magazines by bashing my own country,” said Jimmy Carter, former president and current lost soul whose mental wanderings and outspoken criticism of reality amazes everyone except the terminally stupid.  “The Islamofascists say that looking at a woman’s skin is bad and I know in my heart that it must be true.  I’m siding with them and don’t think that the U.S. should do anything that might make them uncomfortable.  The U.S. must put Islamofascism above self interest in order to show we’re really nice, even if they kill more of us by lopping off our heads and blowing up women and children indiscriminately.  I mean really, putting these terrorists in a chilly cell?  How can we be so inhumane?”

During his presidency Carter admitted in an interview with Playboy magazine that he had committed adultery.  “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust.  I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times,” Carter said.  While on a visit to Poland he told the Poles he “understood their anxiety” about democracy and the translator stated that Carter “desired them sexually”.  Carter later said that the translation was an error and he only desired two or three women in the front row.

“It’s quite obvious that Jimmy Carter suffers from sexual guilt and military ineptness and this is manifesting itself in a form of Tourette syndrome,” said Zesty Kreme, a psychologist known for a high IQ and a popular ice cream stand.  “Carter’s guilt about cheating on his wife and his inability to free Americans in the Middle East or to screw Polish women has him babbling incoherently.  It would be best if someone quieted him down before he starts drooling in public too.  The guys bonkers.”

Not everyone thinks Carter is off base.  “He has his facts straight and knows what he’s talking about,” said Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton freeing a confused pacifist from a Starbucks door handle.  “Everything the Republicans do is bad and it’s high time that American’s figure that out.  If it takes an old coot like Jimmy to wander around chattering about this stuff to get the word out, then it’s well worth listening to him, even though he’s boring and I tend to doze off.  His hatred for this administration is commendable.”

In other news, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says Carter is “right on” and said he enjoyed his last encounter with him during the Iranian Hostage Crisis.  Said Ahmadinejad, “If that damn Republican Reagan hadn’t gotten in the way I might have been speaking at Columbia in 1980.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Condi Rice in Nude State Department Calendar

Big sales to Middle East help department budget

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 12, 2007

The U.S. budget deficit at the end of 2007 is expected to top $161 billion.  That’s too big and President George W. Bush asked all government departments to make cuts or find new sources of revenue.  U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice decided to generate cash to help cover her department’s budget of $35 billion.  As a result of her work, the first nude State Department calendar will hit stores in the U.S. this fall, just in time for holiday giving.  Orders from the Middle East are already pouring in for the “Secretary Rice Does State” calendar.

“The State Department is busy conducting the nation’s foreign relations, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find time to come up with creative approaches to raising money for our budget,” said Secretary Rice at the calendar unveiling, held in a Washington D.C. Hooters restaurant.  “I didn’t have any pictures of me naked from any past scandals so I had a friend snap a few of me in my office.  I think they’re tasteful and hope we’ll sell a few calendars and raise some money.”

Orders for the calendar have been heavy with the Palestinian media buying hundreds of cases of them.  In July 2006 Palestinian media called Rice the “black spinster” and portrayed her in cartoons as being pregnant with a monkey in her womb.  The Al Quds newspaper carried a caption under the toon that read “Rice speaks about birth of new Middle East”.  At the time psychiatrists said Palestinians and many Middle Eastern men were secretly drawn to Rice’ power and sexuality but because they were unable to possess her they called her names while imagining her pregnant.

“The huge demand for nude pictures of Secretary Rice’ from the Middle East is no surprise to psychiatrists,” said Sigmund Freud, a noted psychiatrist who is rumored to be sleeping with dozens of current Hollywood starlets; this despite his death in 1939.  “The mind of the Middle Eastern man is loaded with sexual tension and insecurity which is often manifested by blowing themselves up in what I call the ultimate orgasm.  The fact of the matter is that all Middle Eastern men want to have sex with Secretary Rice and put their own child in her belly.  The calendar is as close as these frustrated bastards will ever get.”

Some Republicans have fantasized that Secretary Rice will decide to run for President of the United States and would be the perfect candidate to foil Hillary Clinton’s run for that office.  According to psychiatrists, a Rice versus Clinton battle would be the biggest “cat fight” in U.S. history and has male politicians in all countries dreaming about it.

“The tough and steely nerved Rice doing battle with the dirty and cheating Clinton is enough to get more than the men in the Middle East excited about watching the candidates debate,” said WWF producer Pat Patterson.  “The WWF will be happy to put together that event and have plenty of metal folding chairs handy.  You can bet we would turn a dandy profit for the government or a federal agency by putting it on pay-per-view.”

Not everyone likes the nude calendar concept.  “I resigned as Secretary of Agriculture when I heard Bush and Condi talking about the departments putting out nude calendars for the holidays,” said Mike Johanns, former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture.  “No way I’m sitting naked for pictures.  Maybe if I was a babe like Condi I’d balance on the big globe in my office without clothes on like she did, but I don’t have her looks … let alone her perky breasts.  Gosh I’m a milk lover.  I’ll miss being Secretary of Ag and spending time in dairies and all.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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