Carter Needed Reagan Bail-out But Bashes Bush

Inept former-president condemns current war time leader

Inebriated Press
October 12, 2007

Former president Jimmy Carter is once again bashing the U.S. approach to the Middle East saying that by putting terrorists in cold jail cells the U.S. is torturing them and deserves another 911.  Carter’s expertise in the Middle East was gleaned from his failure to free U.S. hostages held in Iran in 1979.  The former president dabbled with the “Iranian Hostage Crisis” until he lost re-election to Ronald Reagan and Iran fearing what the new president might do to them, released all the hostages.

In 1979 Iranian Muslim extremists, including current Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, took over the U.S. embassy in that country and held 63 U.S. diplomats and other hostages.  Carter oversaw an attempt to free them by sending a team of U.S. military personnel in helicopters secretly into the desert.  After deploying them Carter got cold feet and ordered them back, causing an unexpected desert turnaround disaster that resulted in the death of five American Air Force Airmen and three U.S. Marines.  After Carter lost re-election to Ronald Reagan and Reagan stated a hard-line policy towards Iran, Iran released all the U.S. hostages literally minutes before Reagan was officially sworn in as Carter’s successor.

“From my vast experience in desert war, political espionage and the Iranian Hostage Crisis, I’ve decided to assuage my guilt about looking at Playboy magazines by bashing my own country,” said Jimmy Carter, former president and current lost soul whose mental wanderings and outspoken criticism of reality amazes everyone except the terminally stupid.  “The Islamofascists say that looking at a woman’s skin is bad and I know in my heart that it must be true.  I’m siding with them and don’t think that the U.S. should do anything that might make them uncomfortable.  The U.S. must put Islamofascism above self interest in order to show we’re really nice, even if they kill more of us by lopping off our heads and blowing up women and children indiscriminately.  I mean really, putting these terrorists in a chilly cell?  How can we be so inhumane?”

During his presidency Carter admitted in an interview with Playboy magazine that he had committed adultery.  “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust.  I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times,” Carter said.  While on a visit to Poland he told the Poles he “understood their anxiety” about democracy and the translator stated that Carter “desired them sexually”.  Carter later said that the translation was an error and he only desired two or three women in the front row.

“It’s quite obvious that Jimmy Carter suffers from sexual guilt and military ineptness and this is manifesting itself in a form of Tourette syndrome,” said Zesty Kreme, a psychologist known for a high IQ and a popular ice cream stand.  “Carter’s guilt about cheating on his wife and his inability to free Americans in the Middle East or to screw Polish women has him babbling incoherently.  It would be best if someone quieted him down before he starts drooling in public too.  The guys bonkers.”

Not everyone thinks Carter is off base.  “He has his facts straight and knows what he’s talking about,” said Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton freeing a confused pacifist from a Starbucks door handle.  “Everything the Republicans do is bad and it’s high time that American’s figure that out.  If it takes an old coot like Jimmy to wander around chattering about this stuff to get the word out, then it’s well worth listening to him, even though he’s boring and I tend to doze off.  His hatred for this administration is commendable.”

In other news, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says Carter is “right on” and said he enjoyed his last encounter with him during the Iranian Hostage Crisis.  Said Ahmadinejad, “If that damn Republican Reagan hadn’t gotten in the way I might have been speaking at Columbia in 1980.”

© 2007

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