Big sales to Middle East help department budget
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 12, 2007
The U.S. budget deficit at the end of 2007 is expected to top $161 billion. That’s too big and President George W. Bush asked all government departments to make cuts or find new sources of revenue. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice decided to generate cash to help cover her department’s budget of $35 billion. As a result of her work, the first nude State Department calendar will hit stores in the U.S. this fall, just in time for holiday giving. Orders from the Middle East are already pouring in for the “Secretary Rice Does State” calendar.
“The State Department is busy conducting the nation’s foreign relations, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find time to come up with creative approaches to raising money for our budget,” said Secretary Rice at the calendar unveiling, held in a Washington D.C. Hooters restaurant. “I didn’t have any pictures of me naked from any past scandals so I had a friend snap a few of me in my office. I think they’re tasteful and hope we’ll sell a few calendars and raise some money.”
Orders for the calendar have been heavy with the Palestinian media buying hundreds of cases of them. In July 2006 Palestinian media called Rice the “black spinster” and portrayed her in cartoons as being pregnant with a monkey in her womb. The Al Quds newspaper carried a caption under the toon that read “Rice speaks about birth of new Middle East”. At the time psychiatrists said Palestinians and many Middle Eastern men were secretly drawn to Rice’ power and sexuality but because they were unable to possess her they called her names while imagining her pregnant.
“The huge demand for nude pictures of Secretary Rice’ from the Middle East is no surprise to psychiatrists,” said Sigmund Freud, a noted psychiatrist who is rumored to be sleeping with dozens of current Hollywood starlets; this despite his death in 1939. “The mind of the Middle Eastern man is loaded with sexual tension and insecurity which is often manifested by blowing themselves up in what I call the ultimate orgasm. The fact of the matter is that all Middle Eastern men want to have sex with Secretary Rice and put their own child in her belly. The calendar is as close as these frustrated bastards will ever get.”
Some Republicans have fantasized that Secretary Rice will decide to run for President of the United States and would be the perfect candidate to foil Hillary Clinton’s run for that office. According to psychiatrists, a Rice versus Clinton battle would be the biggest “cat fight” in U.S. history and has male politicians in all countries dreaming about it.
“The tough and steely nerved Rice doing battle with the dirty and cheating Clinton is enough to get more than the men in the Middle East excited about watching the candidates debate,” said WWF producer Pat Patterson. “The WWF will be happy to put together that event and have plenty of metal folding chairs handy. You can bet we would turn a dandy profit for the government or a federal agency by putting it on pay-per-view.”
Not everyone likes the nude calendar concept. “I resigned as Secretary of Agriculture when I heard Bush and Condi talking about the departments putting out nude calendars for the holidays,” said Mike Johanns, former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture. “No way I’m sitting naked for pictures. Maybe if I was a babe like Condi I’d balance on the big globe in my office without clothes on like she did, but I don’t have her looks … let alone her perky breasts. Gosh I’m a milk lover. I’ll miss being Secretary of Ag and spending time in dairies and all.”
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