Daily Archives: October 15, 2007

Pelosi: Time to Piss off Middle Eastern Allies

Democrats say they’re in power and will anger the Turks if they want to

Inebriated Press
October 15, 2007

The Democrat led U.S. House of Representatives has decided to move ahead with a resolution that calls World War I era killings in Turkey genocide.  Wary of the risk to the few stable relations the U.S. has in the Middle East, both Democrat and Republican administrations since the early 1900’s never seriously considered a resolution like the one currently being pushed by House Democrats.  But today’s Democrats place no stock in past wisdom or recent polls that say American’s disapprove of what Congress is doing even more than they disapprove of the current administration.  So the House is pressing forward regardless of the risks.

“It’s time to speak out against things that happened over 90 years ago no matter how much trouble it creates for the U.S. today or how much comfort we give Islamofascist terrorists in the Middle East,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, as she sat jabbing a sleeping Doberman for no reason.  “And never mind that we Democrats have no plan for the Middle East other than to say we should leave.  We’re the Party that controls U.S. Congress and we’ll do whatever we want.  I’m a Californian and I represent Berkeley and damn it, we never let common sense get in our way.”

In 1915 a calamity historian’s call the “Armenian Genocide” took place.  A group referred to as the “Young Turks” ruled the Ottoman Empire – part of which is the country of Turkey today – from 1915 to 1917 and conducted a forcible deportation and massacre of hundreds of thousands of Armenians.  Western sources say it was a plan by those Islamic Turkish rulers to eliminate the Armenians and over the years twenty-two countries officially recognized it as genocide.

President Bush has expressed on behalf of the American people our horror at the tragedy of 1915, but at the same time said the U.S. has national security concerns and would prefer not to raise old issues, since many of our troops and supplies go through Turkey today.  “I know that Pelosi and the Democrats feel bad about things that happened almost a hundred years ago and want to make things so hard for me today that I pull all of our troops out of the Middle East and let Iran take over,” said the President chewing a nail and spitting it in the direction of Congress.  “But just because the Democrats are in position to do dumb shit doesn’t mean that they have too.”

The Government of Turkey would prefer the U.S. not dig up old wounds and in the wake of the committee vote, Turkey recalled its ambassador in Washington for consultations, a traditional method of diplomatic protest.

In a related story, Edward Kennedy is considering a new Senate resolution to condemn the Germans for bad behavior during World War II just to see if he can get a rise out of them and Hillary Clinton may introduce a resolution condemning Japan for bad things they did during World War II just to see what happens.  Additional resolutions currently under Democrat consideration include condemnation of the Gaul’s, the Roman Empire the Celts and Napoleon.  Some consideration is also being given to condemning the United States itself for not paying more for the Louisiana Purchase and for the purchase of Alaska.  A National Day of All-American Guilt is under consideration, and psychiatrists fear that Apophenia is rampant.

In other news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean met today and discussed whether to officially change the name of the Democrat Farmer Labor Party (DFL) to the Socialist Trending Union for Pro-Islamofascist Determinism (STUPID).

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Britney Spears Bursts into Flames

Firemen hose her down, hope for the best

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 15, 2007

Pop singer Britney Spears spontaneously combusted while searching a public park for missing panties today, sparking reports that an imbalance of hormones and body chemicals have been responsible for Spears’s unstable emotional condition all along.  Firefighters from Hollywood Fire Station 27 arrived at the scene and put out the flaming young woman using cold water from two fire trucks.  Spears fans hope that the dose of cold water will cool down the girl, whose recent exploits have included flashing body parts, shaving her head and walking around her home naked in front of her kids.  Fire Chief Norman Einstein said there’s only so much that Fire Station 27 can do.

“We know that Britney’s life and career has been going down in flames as the result of her behavior but there wasn’t anything we could do about it until now,” said Fire Chief Einstein, helping the soaking wet Spears search for her missing underwear under a bush.  “But until she physically started on fire she was out of our jurisdiction.  I’m hoping that by hosing her down she’ll chill out and start thinking more clearly.  Now if I can find her lost panties, maybe we can put the girl all the way back together.”

Spears has been acting erratically for the past several years and has been frequently photographed without underwear and sitting around bars drunk and in compromising positions.  In recent years she married a back up dancer against her parent’s wishes and had two children with the man who already had two children by another woman he never married.  Spears danced badly at a recent MTV Awards program and has been running amuck ever since her hormones got the better of her about five years ago.  But not everyone thinks she’s out of control or needs to be hosed down.

“Britney is just acting the way every independent person who wants to feel empowered does,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, shoving a Congressional Intern down a flight of stairs.  “Why do you think I’m bringing up a resolution to condemn the Turks for something that a handful of them did over 90 years ago?  I’m doing it because I’m Nancy Pelosi the Speaker of the House and I can.”  Then making a sweeping gesture with her arm she said to everyone in general, “take that you weak, powerless, wimpy bastards.”

Spears recently lost custody to her children but won the right to have them stay with her one evening each week.  To celebrate the one-night-a-week victory she went on a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus but reportedly didn’t purchase any underwear.  She’s been limiting her interviews to the promotion of her new album titled “Blackout”.  Critics are divided on the quality of the songs in the new album and some think the name means it’s actually a biographical piece and describes her typical nighttime routine of heavy drinking until she passes out.  Others say it’s a set of songs that will appeal to people who also lose their panties frequently.  They site the albums sixth cut “Get Naked”.  Others argue that cut number 7, “Freakshow” proves it’s biographical.

In related news, ducks and geese have begun flying south for the winter and some have reportedly been sited with Britney’s panties.  The U.S. Department of Natural Resources (DNR) is assisting Spears and has asked all duck hunters to please mail any panties that they find to: Britney Panty Recovery Project, C/O: DNR, P.O. Box 12345, Washington, D.C. 54321.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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