Firemen hose her down, hope for the best
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 15, 2007
Pop singer Britney Spears spontaneously combusted while searching a public park for missing panties today, sparking reports that an imbalance of hormones and body chemicals have been responsible for Spears’s unstable emotional condition all along. Firefighters from Hollywood Fire Station 27 arrived at the scene and put out the flaming young woman using cold water from two fire trucks. Spears fans hope that the dose of cold water will cool down the girl, whose recent exploits have included flashing body parts, shaving her head and walking around her home naked in front of her kids. Fire Chief Norman Einstein said there’s only so much that Fire Station 27 can do.
“We know that Britney’s life and career has been going down in flames as the result of her behavior but there wasn’t anything we could do about it until now,” said Fire Chief Einstein, helping the soaking wet Spears search for her missing underwear under a bush. “But until she physically started on fire she was out of our jurisdiction. I’m hoping that by hosing her down she’ll chill out and start thinking more clearly. Now if I can find her lost panties, maybe we can put the girl all the way back together.”
Spears has been acting erratically for the past several years and has been frequently photographed without underwear and sitting around bars drunk and in compromising positions. In recent years she married a back up dancer against her parent’s wishes and had two children with the man who already had two children by another woman he never married. Spears danced badly at a recent MTV Awards program and has been running amuck ever since her hormones got the better of her about five years ago. But not everyone thinks she’s out of control or needs to be hosed down.
“Britney is just acting the way every independent person who wants to feel empowered does,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, shoving a Congressional Intern down a flight of stairs. “Why do you think I’m bringing up a resolution to condemn the Turks for something that a handful of them did over 90 years ago? I’m doing it because I’m Nancy Pelosi the Speaker of the House and I can.” Then making a sweeping gesture with her arm she said to everyone in general, “take that you weak, powerless, wimpy bastards.”
Spears recently lost custody to her children but won the right to have them stay with her one evening each week. To celebrate the one-night-a-week victory she went on a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus but reportedly didn’t purchase any underwear. She’s been limiting her interviews to the promotion of her new album titled “Blackout”. Critics are divided on the quality of the songs in the new album and some think the name means it’s actually a biographical piece and describes her typical nighttime routine of heavy drinking until she passes out. Others say it’s a set of songs that will appeal to people who also lose their panties frequently. They site the albums sixth cut “Get Naked”. Others argue that cut number 7, “Freakshow” proves it’s biographical.
In related news, ducks and geese have begun flying south for the winter and some have reportedly been sited with Britney’s panties. The U.S. Department of Natural Resources (DNR) is assisting Spears and has asked all duck hunters to please mail any panties that they find to: Britney Panty Recovery Project, C/O: DNR, P.O. Box 12345, Washington, D.C. 54321.
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com