Daily Archives: October 16, 2007

Hillary Does Iowa; U.S. Up Next

Promotes dental care plan like Brits have

Inebriated Press
October 16, 2007

Stumping for the Democratic nomination for president, Senator Hillary Clinton trekked across the State of Iowa this week chomping on pork sandwiches and ear corn, two staples of Iowa food.  Scraping a tooth with a toothpick and flicking it into the crowd she said she hoped to bring the same high quality dental care to Iowa that the British enjoy today.

“Sure a lot of the British have started pulling their own teeth because they can’t find or afford a dentist,” said Clinton throwing a conservative farmer on a nearby barbeque.  “But that kind of efficiency enables them to focus on memorials to Diana and ignore the plunging cancer death rate in the U.S.  It’s time that the U.S. begins catching up with global health care programs and death rates and my platform can do that.”

Critics of the Clinton healthcare plan cite the billions of new taxes it will require to accomplish the level of failure that other nation’s health care plans are known for.  They also cite the number of people from other countries who come to the U.S. for top notch health care and a recent study that shows U.S. death rates from cancer are falling faster than anywhere else in the world.  But Clinton’s backers argue that the Clinton plan is what Americans really need.

“Hillary knows better than U.S. doctors and healthcare experts about how to manage the healthcare industry and what kind of care each of us really needs,” said Carlos Garbonza director of Americans for Something Else.  “She just does.”  Everyone who matters agrees.

The New York Times reports that all major Hollywood stars and film executives as well as most major media executives and reporters all believe that Senator Clinton is best suited to be president.  “She’s what we need to get America back on the fast track to something else,” said noted conservative and scholar Al Franken.  “I’d be willing to bet my wisdom teeth that she can do it, if I had any.”

In other news, Senator Barack Obama says he can get something else done faster than Hillary and nine out of ten dentists chew gum but won’t admit it.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Michael Moore and Fidel Castro U.S. Running Mates

New political party introduced

Inebriated Press
October 16, 2007

Michael Moore announced today that he’s running for the U.S. presidency with Fidel Castro as his vice presidential running mate.  Undeterred by claims that Castro can’t run in the U.S. and ignoring critics encouraging him to commit suicide, he said he’s eager to debate Republicans and Democrats over heath care, the military and socialism.

“Both parties are soft on social welfare and neither is moving toward hard-core socialism as quickly as they should be,” said Moore slurping an ice cream and Jack Daniels float and wiping his mouth on his pant leg.  “The Republicans are all stupid ass holes who are pretending to be old line Democrats while the Democrat Party is merely soft-core socialism without the hard core edge needed to quickly make the U.S. become like Cuba and ultimately like China.  It’s time for a new third party challenge.”

Moore’s new Party, “Nationalize Our Businesses, Communism Or Bust” (NOB-COB), promises that its initiatives will all be in place within fifteen minutes of taking office.  Initiatives include a national health care plan managed by Cuban officials, a new military defense program managed by the Chinese and new educational initiatives led by the French.

“China is a pacifist society and will be best suited to run the U.S. military,” said Moore pissing into the pocket of his suit coat.  “And we all recognize that Cuban healthcare is the best in the world.  The French will energize education by making pacifism the number one school initiative and we will all have higher IQ’s when we obey new laws and listen to vice president Fidel Castro preside over joint sessions of Congress on a daily basis.”

The Democrat National Committee (DNC) issued a statement saying that they agree with much of NOB-COB’s platform but prefer Moore back a Clinton-Obama team for president and vice president.  The DNC said they would support the appointments of Moore as Secretary of State and Castro as Secretary of Defense.  Republican National Committee chairman Mel Martinez said both NOB-COB and the DNC lacked the brain power needed to wear socks, but credited them with creative thinking.  “I have to admit both schemes aren’t something that the Republican Party would ever have come up with,” said Martinez.  “Now if they’d just flush themselves down a toilet someplace we’ll all be better off.”

In other news, cats and dogs still don’t get along but there will be peace in the Middle East beginning tomorrow at 5 O’clock p.m., give or take a couple of centuries.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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