New political party introduced
October 16, 2007
Michael Moore announced today that he’s running for the U.S. presidency with Fidel Castro as his vice presidential running mate. Undeterred by claims that Castro can’t run in the U.S. and ignoring critics encouraging him to commit suicide, he said he’s eager to debate Republicans and Democrats over heath care, the military and socialism.
“Both parties are soft on social welfare and neither is moving toward hard-core socialism as quickly as they should be,” said Moore slurping an ice cream and Jack Daniels float and wiping his mouth on his pant leg. “The Republicans are all stupid ass holes who are pretending to be old line Democrats while the Democrat Party is merely soft-core socialism without the hard core edge needed to quickly make the U.S. become like Cuba and ultimately like China. It’s time for a new third party challenge.”
Moore’s new Party, “Nationalize Our Businesses, Communism Or Bust” (NOB-COB), promises that its initiatives will all be in place within fifteen minutes of taking office. Initiatives include a national health care plan managed by Cuban officials, a new military defense program managed by the Chinese and new educational initiatives led by the French.
“China is a pacifist society and will be best suited to run the U.S. military,” said Moore pissing into the pocket of his suit coat. “And we all recognize that Cuban healthcare is the best in the world. The French will energize education by making pacifism the number one school initiative and we will all have higher IQ’s when we obey new laws and listen to vice president Fidel Castro preside over joint sessions of Congress on a daily basis.”
The Democrat National Committee (DNC) issued a statement saying that they agree with much of NOB-COB’s platform but prefer Moore back a Clinton-Obama team for president and vice president. The DNC said they would support the appointments of Moore as Secretary of State and Castro as Secretary of Defense. Republican National Committee chairman Mel Martinez said both NOB-COB and the DNC lacked the brain power needed to wear socks, but credited them with creative thinking. “I have to admit both schemes aren’t something that the Republican Party would ever have come up with,” said Martinez. “Now if they’d just flush themselves down a toilet someplace we’ll all be better off.”
In other news, cats and dogs still don’t get along but there will be peace in the Middle East beginning tomorrow at 5 O’clock p.m., give or take a couple of centuries.
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