Daily Archives: October 17, 2007

Kill the Cows, Save the World

Or save the cows and stop Al Gore

Inebriated Press
October 17, 2007

According to an article in the UK’s Times Online 18 percent of all greenhouse gas emissions produced in the world come from livestock – that’s 4 per cent more than from transportation.  Cows churn out massive amounts of methane in their burps and farts and must be stopped if we’re to save the planet.  If we all fall in step behind the leadership of Al Gore we may be able to eliminate the world’s cow population and save the world.  But we’d better do it before the cows get wind of the plan.

“Never mind that Al Gore’s mansion and air travel is responsible for more gas emissions than entire herds of cows, or that he produces far less protein for human kind than they do,” said Professor Plum, noted cow emission specialist and Parker Brothers game piece.  “If we hope to save the planet we must declare war on cows now.  There’s no time to waste.  I’m going to kill some cows in the next few minutes if I can find some.  Lookit my feet go!”

Not everyone thinks cows need to be destroyed to save the world.  “The inconvenient truth about the matter is that Al Gore personally produces more gas than some small countries and almost all of his so called science has been disproven,” said Colonel Mustard, a notorious womanizer and another Parker Brothers game piece.  “I’ve ignored more important people than Gore and information of much higher reliability.  This guy is only getting traction from people who don’t know any better.  As a game piece I can say stuff like that.”

Game pieces from Parker Brothers not withstanding, experts in geological change from the University of Random Thinking say Gore and Hollywood experts have the problem all figured out.  They site things written down by people in Europe, America and Japan that say that the more meat in your diet, the greater the global warming potential and the lower its energy efficiency in your body.  This sounds like pretty solid science to the major media, so reports indicate that the United Nations will be relying on it. 

Some groups feel that if humans freed all animals that nature would solve the greenhouse gas problem itself.  The People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and Compassion in World Farming (CWF) want animals to be turned free and run unmolested by humans.  But some scientists say that the animals would still fart and burp.  “Unless we stop them from passing gas we can’t make any gains even if we leave them wander around,” said scientist and Clue player Susie Morgan.  “And we can only kill so many humans rather than cows.  However studies do suggest that elimination of all humans would make a small but important improvement.”

Debate continues among Parker Brothers game pieces as to whether to kill off all cows or humans to solve the green house gas problem, but they have reached one area of agreement.  “If we knock off Al Gore we’ll have stopped one sizable problem with green house gas and intellectual pollution,” said Miss Scarlet, a well known sex-pot and colorful Parker Brothers game piece.  “I suppose for Al this is one of those inconvenient truths that he’ll have to face.”

In other news, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is considering appointing Parker Brothers game pieces to her Cabinet if she’s elected, but some have already declined.  Said Mr. Green, “I’d do it, but Hillary doesn’t have a clue.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Al Gore to Host WWF Battle Between Greenpeace and Apple

iPhone, Greenpeace and politician all selling risky stuff

Inebriated Press
October 17, 2007

Greenpeace slammed the Apple iPhone this week saying that it contains materials they use on their ships but would never consider using in a telephone, and that the company should give them a huge donation to assuage their guilt.  Apple says that they are proud to produce iPhones containing PVC (polyvinyl chloride) because it is manufactured by poor Chinese who need the cash to purchase pirated Windows products.  Apple CEO Steve Jobs and Greenpeace Executive Director John Passacantando will determine who’s the bigger ass by wrestling each other in a “best out of three” match on Pay Per View.  Al Gore has agreed to host and referee.

“Making all things like iPhones and Greenpeace ships “green” is critical to the survival of the planet both now and in the future,” said Al Gore a former politician and recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for knowing when to make a joke.  “Almost one half of dangerous green house gases come from Greenpeace and Apple and the rest is from cows and Microsoft.  We must find ways to expand my personal legacy by giving me more opportunities to produce concerts, movies and other events.  It’s critical to life as you know it.” 

Gore is partnering with the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) and will produce the Steve Jobs – John Passacantando “smack down” and will use the proceeds to fund a Britney Spears concert to raise greenhouse gas awareness.  Gore is popular among greenhouse gas worriers for his concert called “Live Earth” and his movie “An Inconvenient Truth”.  They think the Apple-Greenpeace smackdown should be called “Green-Apple Gas-Awareness for Global Operators Real Encouragement” (GAGA4GORE).

Not everyone is buying what Gore is selling even if Apple and Greenpeace are inadvertently destroying the planet.  “From a technical standpoint Gore is wrong on all points,” said William Gray, one of the world’s foremost meteorologists.  “The human impact on the atmosphere is simply too small to have a major effect on global temperatures.  Gore is brainwashing our children.”

But Gore disagrees.  “I remember waking up from a nap when I was 27 years old after my folks sang me the Union Label song, and I knew then that I had to invent the Internet and stop global warming by preventing green house gases from iPhones and Apple.  I got distracted a little when I was a Congressman and put it off for a while, but now I’m back on the job and will save this planet from people who disagree with me.  It’s the least I can do for all the money I got somehow from someplace.”

Steve Jobs says he can beat the Greenpeace executive by using a half-nelson and two metal folding chairs.  Passacantando says Jobs has no chance in the match because whales root for Greenpeace.  “No company named for a fruit will beat a guy with the support of fish and whales,” said Passacantando.  “I am one with nature and old ships.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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