Daily Archives: October 18, 2007

Studies: Sex and Naps Bring Health and Vitality

New legislation requires employers to offer both

Inebriated Press
October 18, 2007

Research published by Fox News and UK Times Online says that having sex every day will improve vitality and sperm count, and taking naps each day drops blood pressure and hikes attitude and energy levels.  Scientists are debating whether both can be accomplished simultaneously and U.S. lawmakers are considering a law requiring firms to include the combination in companies’ healthcare plans.  Former president Bill Clinton is a big supporter of the legislation and Jimmy Carter has once again expressed confusion.

“It’s time that Americans start turning against the administrations war against Argyle and eat more beets,” said Carter at an event promoting sex and sleep.  “I am appalled by things I don’t understand, and that’s been a lot lately.”

The nap study, conducted by John Moores University in Liverpool, England, found that changes in blood pressure could be one of the reasons why afternoon naps are beneficial to cardiovascular function since blood pressure and heart rates decrease at night during sleep, and lower blood pressure reduces the strain on the heart and the risk of a fatal heart attack.

The sex study found that men who suffer fertility problems because of low sperm quality may be able to improve their chances of fatherhood by having sex every day.  Australian scientists say that refraining from ejaculating is counterproductive and may lower male fertility.

U.S. Senator Harry Reid has proposed a Bill in Congress called the “Sex, Napping and Policy Initiative (SNAPi) which would require U.S. businesses to provide all workers a daily time and place to have sex and take naps.  “I can’t think of a better healthcare initiative to be promoting right now and I think that all American’s will elect a Democrat to the White House and keep us in power indefinitely if we pass the SNAPi Sex Bill,” said Reid, flipping through a Playboy magazine and dozing intermittently.  “My next step will be an initiative to require companies to provide professional sex workers to assist employees during their sex and nap breaks.  If we get right on top of this, we can surpass the French in creative forms of government bureaucracy forced upon business.  And that’s something I know I’d be proud of.”

But not everyone is confident that a sex and nap law is best for the country or the economy.  “We have too much of this already going on in business,” said Hooters CEO Robert Brooks.  “I’ve been trying to get employees to knock it off so we can increase overall productivity for a couple years now.  I can’t argue that workers attitudes are good and sexual vitality seems to be high, but sometimes just being efficient and making money is good too.  It may sound rigidly capitalist, but I say get your sex and naps on your own time.”

In related news, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner says the studies prove what he’s known all along.  Hefner is encouraging an amendment to the SNAPi law requiring employers to provide pajamas and smoking jackets to employees who want them.  And Bill Clinton says the law is okay as it is, but says some consideration should be given to provide a cash stipend to workers for dry cleaning blue dresses.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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OJ Simpson Betrayed by Russian President

Putin to testify against Simpson

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 18, 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin said this week that he would testify against O.J. Simpson in his armed-robbery case.  Simpson said no guns were used during his attempt to retrieve sports memorabilia from a hotel room in Las Vegas but Putin said he loaned Simpson an AK-47 specifically for the hotel meeting and showed him how to use it.  Observers say there could be an interesting trial ahead.

Simpson, 60, was arrested last month in connection with the alleged armed robbery of sports memorabilia, including many items the NFL hall-of-famer and onetime murder defendant said were his own property.  Putin, 55, who was photographed earlier this summer showing off his muscular torso while on a hunting trip to Siberia, confirmed that he would testify shirtless against Simpson and plans to fire an AK-47 into a wall to prove he can. 

“I showed OJ how to fire this thing and told him to shoot on sight like I would,” said Putin in an interview during which he swallowed several birds and a mouse.  “He wanted to know how to deal with people like I do the Ukraine so I showed him.  The weasel didn’t shoot like I told him and so he got caught.  Serves him right.  You bet I’ll testify.”

But Simpson says he remembers things differently.  “I showed him how to choke people with his hands while wearing only tight black driving gloves and he seemed real impressed,” said Simpson licking the back of his leg.  “We didn’t do anything with guns; I already know about guns and would rather use my bare hands.  He knows this.  Why is everyone against me?”

Earlier this week, Charles Cashmore, a co-defendant agreed to testify against Simpson and four others charged with armed robbery of a sports memorabilia dealer in Las Vegas, according to court officials.  And commentators were both amused and intrigued at the heroic light thrown on Russian President Vladimir Putin when he defied what he said was an attempt by Simpson to make him wear a shirt when they met earlier this year.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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