Daily Archives: October 19, 2007

Putin and Ahmadinejad Clown Around for Media

Hatred of the U.S. and love of bubble gum unites them

Inebriated Press
October 19, 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin kicked Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad playfully in the groin this week as the two hammed it up for cameras in Tehran.  Laughing hysterically, and before falling down, Ahmadinejad gave Putin a weggie by stretching his underwear all the way up and over his head.  The two rolled around on the ground chuckling and hugging until eventually they calmed down and started going through each others pockets looking for condoms and bubble gum.  United by hatred of the West and the desire to expand their own totalitarian power across the globe, the two happily made nice and Ahmadinejad ignored Putin’s atheism while Putin ignored Ahmadinejad’s god complex.

“We will never use military force in the Middle East like the U.S. has,” chortled Putin, forgetting the Afghan war and the intel his KGB provided the Soviet Army during that time.  “And the new bomber patrols we currently fly daily on our border with Europe and the missiles we are pointing at them are merely exercises designed to keep an eye on global warming.  I am an environmentalist like Al Gore and I like Islamofascist dictators who buy my weapons systems and hate Americans.  What can I say; I’m a guy who likes people who hates what I hate.”

In August of this year Russia relaunched long-range strategic bomber patrols that hadn’t operated since the Cold War and Putin has been passing his time threatening the Ukraine’s oil supply, the U.S. plan for missile defense, and encouraging Iranian purchase of Russian nuclear material.  Iran has enjoyed the growing relationship as they continue to fund Hamas in Lebanon and al Qaeda and other insurgent groups in Iraq while expanding their nuclear program.

“We’re like peas in a pod,” said a smiling Ahmadinejad putting a Russian copy of PlayStud Magazine in his back pocket; an autographed gift from Putin.  “We are buddies who have a very similar world view.  Of course once the U.S. is crushed and the Soviet Empire reestablished, the Islamic world will have to kill all of those who are infidels and take over, so I’ll miss Putin after I murder him.”  Sighing he added, “But, that’s just the way things go sometimes.  God willing.”

Reuters quoted state television reporting that Putin had asked for “deeper” ties with Iran; weapons sales and a commercial aircraft deal were also high on the Russian agenda.  Putin received a red carpet welcome in Tehran, meeting with both Ahmadinejad and supreme religious leader Ayatollah Sayyed Ali Khamenei – rare for any non-Muslim leader.

In a joint statement, the two presidents noted the “closeness” of their positions “over key world questions,” and the “necessity of solving as quickly as possible the situation over the Iranian nuclear program through politics and diplomacy.”

“We’ve decided it’s time we coordinate our lies and deception” they said in the statement that was accompanied by photo’s of the two with their hands on each others asses.  “By the grace of god and the former soviet state, it’s fallen to us to set the agenda for the next world order, and by golly we’re up to it.”

In related news, U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Leader Harry Reid expressed “deep sorrow” for not having been invited to the Putin-Ahmadinejad meeting where punch and party hats were in abundance.  The two tried to make up for it by rolling on the ground hugging and picking each others pockets.  Said Pelosi, “I can do shit just as crazy as those guys can. Why wasn’t I invited to the party.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

parody, sarcasm     

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Hillary Clinton Plans Nude Pictorial

Penthouse and Playboy vie for deal

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
October 19, 2007

In an effort to ramp up positive press during the closing days of the U.S. presidential campaign Senator and presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton plans a nude pictorial in either Penthouse or Playboy magazine during summer 2008.  Buoyed by strong interest and additional donations from the sale of her shower pictures on the Internet by hubby and former president Bill Clinton, Hillary decided to use the strategy in the closing days of her campaign.  The decision has heightened debate on the use of gorilla tactics during presidential campaigns and some question whether it’s tasteful.

“The fact that electoral candidates would pose nude to gain interest and votes is becoming too common and degrades the civil nature of politics,” said Lou Dobbs a CNN anchor and talking head who is pissed off about a lot of stuff these days.  “Now that everyone knows Hillary plans to pose nude for the highest bidder, Obama is going to be up to something equally disgusting.  It’s going to result in a nudity escalation with each politician one-upping the other in an effort to get more exposure.  And no I’m not sorry for the pun.”

Insiders say Hillary has been working out with Jane Fonda as bids from the two porn magazines roll in and negotiations continue on when and where the photo shoot will take place.  Rumors have begun circulating in the Republican camp that Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney have started exercising in case they need to make a “buff appearance” in the waning days of the campaign.

“Bill Clinton sold pictures he took of Hillary in the shower for $50 so he’d have some beer money, and the website that bought them ended up with millions of hits,” said Lucky McGee a political strategist and part time Bingo caller.  “It’s working for Russian president Vladimer Putin in his plan to transfer power to the Prime Minister role and then running for that office.  This past summer Putin was fishing in Siberia with his shirt off and his ratings spiked in the poles.  In August 2006 when the Museum of Sex unveiled a shirtless bust of Hillary her numbers when up 20 points.  This naked candidate stuff works.”

Former president Bill Clinton isn’t surprised by what’s happening.  “It was just a matter of time until people realize that I’m one shrewd politician,” said Clinton smoking a joint but not inhaling.  “All the sleeping around I did while governor of Arkansas and then as president.  The interns I banged and the wives of mayors.  Every time word leaked out about what I was doing my poll numbers went up.  How do you think I got all the soccer mom’s to vote for me?  Heck I slept with most of them.”

In other news, nudity and presidential politics will be debated on a new edition of Crossfire a CNN program derailed by Jon Stewart in 2005.  Stewart will host the 2007 program and the debaters will be Jimmy Carter who is pro-nudity and Howard Stern who will represent the anti-nudity position.  Free beer will be provided to the studio audience and cats will be chased across the stage periodically just so the action will never slow down.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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