Daily Archives: October 22, 2007

LAX Can’t Find Bombs, U.S. Hopes Iran Can’t Either

Airport screeners miss 75% of test bombs;
Cheney says no nukes for Iran

Inebriated Press
October 22, 2007

Transportation Security Administration (TSA) screeners at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) failed to notice 75 percent of fake bombs and explosives that passed through the airport during unannounced drills.  And the United States and other nations will not allow Iran to obtain a nuclear weapon, Vice President Dick Cheney said Sunday.  TSA officials say that had the bombs been real they’d have spotted them and are confident that things are just fine.  The Vice President said changes need to be made in Iran and at TSA.  But not everyone sees it his way.

“There isn’t anything to worry about at TSA or in Iran,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi buffing some bald guys head with steel wool.  “No one really wants to harm us and the folks in Iran want nuclear power so they can cut back on using scarce natural resources, like oil.  They’re conservation minded and I like Iranian President Ahmadinejad almost as much as Al Gore.  Certainly more than George Bush.”

TSA officials would not confirm or deny details of the report, but defended the screeners, saying the tests designed to fool security personnel were “kind of hard”.  They said that by grading on a curve the results were much better and fewer than hundreds of thousands of Americans would actually be killed by a few TSA screw-ups.  “It’s not a big deal,” said a TSA official claiming to be Howard Hughes the eccentric billionaire who died in 1976.  “Like I’ve always said: don’t worry, be happy!”

Cheney said Iran’s efforts to pursue technology that would allow it to build a nuclear weapon are obvious and that the regime continues to practice delay and deceit in an obvious effort to buy time. 

“Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says the Holocaust never happened and says he wants to wipe Israel, one of few Middle Eastern democracies, off the face of the earth,” said Cheney loading a shotgun with rock salt.  “He funds Hamas in an effort to overthrow the democratic government in Lebanon and funds al Qaeda and other insurgents in Iraq, another country trying to become a democracy.  Don’t you think maybe we should pick up on the trend here and try to stop it?”

In other news, Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton says that when she is president she’ll put a stop to things she doesn’t like and promote other stuff.  She said she’s waiting for polling results to come in before deciding which is which.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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NASA Admits Moon Landings Faked

Barrels of cheese and sacks of powdered corn used in trickery

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 22, 2007

NASA Administrator Michael Griffin admitted what tabloids have long reported: the moon landings were all faked using cheese and corn meal.  But a subsequent NASA media release casts some doubt on the admission.

“It hurts to have to fess up and say this,” said Griffin, spraying half a can of Cheeze Whiz in his mouth and washing it down with a can of Bud Lite.  “But it’s all true.  NASA made it all up and Hollywood helped us produce the film footage.  We used ground corn for the moons surface and clumps of cheese for texture.  We didn’t want to disappoint Kennedy.”

History records that the United States NASA program put Commander Neil Armstrong on the moon July 16, 1969.  It was the third voyage to the moon for the Americans and the Apollo 11 mission placed both Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on surface of the orb.  The mission fulfilled President John F. Kennedy’s goal of reaching the moon by the end of the 1960s.  But some scientists and critics have argued that it never really happened.

“It was all done with sock puppets in a sand box,” said Zippy Sackbart a self proclaimed scientist and fry chef.  “I know this guy who is friends with relatives of some people who knew guys involved in the NASA program in the 1960’s.  They told some people that it wasn’t like what they thought it would be, so you know right there that it never really happened.”

The NASA administrator said he decided to go ahead and fess up now so that people will stop pressuring NASA to do it again.  “There’s no point trying to get to the moon,” said Griffin, opening a box of Ritz crackers and another can of Cheeze Whiz.  “We don’t know what we’re doing most of the time and are drunk the rest of the time.  We really tried though.”

NASA later released a statement saying that Griffin has been vacationing in Arizona and that the man making the statements and claiming to be Griffin was really Holcomb Noble, a caramel corn lover and retired editor of the New York Times.  “The New York Times has a long history of making things up,” the NASA Release stated.  “And when the editors are hopped up on sugar and caramel corn they really get some wild ideas.  The history books are still right.  The U.S. really did land men on the moon.  If fact we did it several times and even left a couple used dune buggies up there.”

The New York Times didn’t issue a statement but an unidentified source said that they don’t like to discuss the work of former editors and are having enough trouble trying to get the current ones to use stories containing actual facts. 

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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