LAX Can’t Find Bombs, U.S. Hopes Iran Can’t Either

Airport screeners miss 75% of test bombs;
Cheney says no nukes for Iran

Inebriated Press
October 22, 2007

Transportation Security Administration (TSA) screeners at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) failed to notice 75 percent of fake bombs and explosives that passed through the airport during unannounced drills.  And the United States and other nations will not allow Iran to obtain a nuclear weapon, Vice President Dick Cheney said Sunday.  TSA officials say that had the bombs been real they’d have spotted them and are confident that things are just fine.  The Vice President said changes need to be made in Iran and at TSA.  But not everyone sees it his way.

“There isn’t anything to worry about at TSA or in Iran,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi buffing some bald guys head with steel wool.  “No one really wants to harm us and the folks in Iran want nuclear power so they can cut back on using scarce natural resources, like oil.  They’re conservation minded and I like Iranian President Ahmadinejad almost as much as Al Gore.  Certainly more than George Bush.”

TSA officials would not confirm or deny details of the report, but defended the screeners, saying the tests designed to fool security personnel were “kind of hard”.  They said that by grading on a curve the results were much better and fewer than hundreds of thousands of Americans would actually be killed by a few TSA screw-ups.  “It’s not a big deal,” said a TSA official claiming to be Howard Hughes the eccentric billionaire who died in 1976.  “Like I’ve always said: don’t worry, be happy!”

Cheney said Iran’s efforts to pursue technology that would allow it to build a nuclear weapon are obvious and that the regime continues to practice delay and deceit in an obvious effort to buy time. 

“Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says the Holocaust never happened and says he wants to wipe Israel, one of few Middle Eastern democracies, off the face of the earth,” said Cheney loading a shotgun with rock salt.  “He funds Hamas in an effort to overthrow the democratic government in Lebanon and funds al Qaeda and other insurgents in Iraq, another country trying to become a democracy.  Don’t you think maybe we should pick up on the trend here and try to stop it?”

In other news, Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton says that when she is president she’ll put a stop to things she doesn’t like and promote other stuff.  She said she’s waiting for polling results to come in before deciding which is which.

© 2007

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