Daily Archives: October 23, 2007

Europe Beats Bill Gates; Cops Arrest Kid Rock

Shouting matches and open source troubles

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2007

Proclaiming victory, the European Commission (EC) on Monday said Microsoft has agreed to make interoperability information available to open source developers for a one-time payment of 10,000 Euros (about $14,000 U.S.).  And Kid Rock was arrested in a Georgia waffle house brawl and shouting match.  Microsoft chief Bill Gates ended his fist fight with the EC and Kid Rock fled in his bus after his fight, but cops tracked him down and took him into custody.  Gates recommends that Rock give in to cops like he did to the Europeans, but no one knows what will happen for sure.

“When a tough S.O.B. like Gates caves to some candy ass Europeans you know that something just isn’t right,” said Kid Rock licking his own ass and declaring it peppermint.  “That’s what the fight was about outside the waffle house.  Damned Apple zealots had been drinking pancake syrup all night and told me my Microsoft stock was worthless.  I decided it was time to kick some ass.”

Microsoft agreed that it would obey key parts of its 2004 antitrust ruling, which was upheld by a European Union appeals court last month. It would refrain from appealing that decision to the EU’s highest court, cut royalties for rivals and hand information over to open-source developers.

Kid Rock spent most of Sunday in jail after he scuffled with a man outside the suburban Atlanta waffle house, cops said.  The rocker and five members of his entourage were charged with simple battery after the predawn fight with a man police identified as Harlen Akins. The fracas erupted at the Waffle House restaurant about 5:15 a.m. after a gig at The Tabernacle in Atlanta.

Gates said he appreciated the Kid’s support but was tired of fighting with the Europeans.  “If I could just beat the shit out of someone in Europe outside a waffle house and that would solve my problems, I’d probably do it too,” said the billionaire buying and selling several third world countries just to keep his cash from getting musty.  “Metaphorically speaking I actually have thrashed the life out of a few companies back in the day.  I’ll probably do it again … maybe in Europe.  The sons of bitches.”

In other news, Republican presidential wannabees took turns whacking each other in a debate over the weekend and despite severe thrashings received and delivered, none took place outside of a waffle house.  Europeans have yet to sue them although France is considering it.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Princess Di Waitressing in Louisiana

Faked death for life in U.S. South

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
October 23, 2007

Taking orders for fried chicken at Louie’s Flophouse and Diner, Princess Diana chewed a nail and tucked a pencil behind her ear before shouting out “blue plate special number 5” to the fry chef in back.  Once known as the debonair Princess of Wales before being killed in a chase by paparazzi in France, the 46 year old looked healthy and energetic.  Some people say it’s not really the Princess but others are confident it is really her.

“There is no doubt in my mind that Princess Diana is waiting tables at Louie’s,” said Billy Bob Tom a local insurance agent, hunter and rumored father of twelve.  “You don’t handle folks at Louie’s the way she does unless you got some kind of pedigree tied to nobility, or else you’re an alien or something.” 

Wolf Scully, director of the U.S. Fish & Wildlife’s secret Z-Files division thinks the waitress at Louie’s is an alien.  “No way Princess Di comes to Louisiana to serve fried chicken,” said Scully, waxing his left armpit and then knocking back a liter of Valvoline in one gulp.  “I’ve seen weird shit before, but Diana Princess of Wales serving me chicken isn’t one of them.”

Diana Frances Spencer was born into the British aristocracy and became an instant celebrity upon her marriage to Prince Charles.  After years of speculation regarding the couple’s marital problems, Prince Charles and Diana were divorced.  Her death in a car accident in 1997 was immediately followed by an intense period of mourning and many speculated that she was murdered but others believe she faked her own death and moved to Louisiana.  Most people believe she is dead but speculation continues.

Inebriated investigative reporter Nance Allot went to Louisiana to question the waitress at Louie’s but was rebuffed despite bringing flowers and wearing Speedo’s.  “I’d like to say it was the Princess,” said Allot salving a rash on his right thigh.  “But she called me things I don’t think a lady would, so I’m thinking maybe Di isn’t waitressing tables after all.”

In other news, Barack Obama says he’ll wait tables if it’ll get him elected princess.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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