Daily Archives: October 24, 2007

Violence in Iraq Down 70%, bin Laden Pissed

Al Qaeda chief proposes aggressive bubblegum initiative

Inebriated Press
October 24, 2007

In an effort to forge unity among terrorists, Osama bin Laden released a new tape urging Iraqi insurgents to work together against the U.S. and has offered bubblegum and baseball trading cards to those who perform best during a November initiative entitled “Organize Suckers Against More Americans, Seething-Cultures Unite To Engage” (OSAMA’S-CUTE). Analysts say the new plan means bin Laden is losing control of the crazy bastards he’s carefully developed into crazy bastards and bubblegum may be all that he has left to try and stick things together.

“The controversial ‘surge’ of troops that the U.S. put into Iraq and an increase in aggressive tactics, has hurt bin Laden and the terrorists,” said Sonny Seamore, a Navy attaché and Sunny Delight advocate. “That and a lot of bin Laden’s suicide bombers have blown themselves up which tends to reduce the supply of available bombers – they can only do it once you know. It remains to be seen whether OSAMA’S-CUTE campaign can gain traction. Gum can only do so much in wartime.”

In the tape bin Laden lamented the lack of unity among insurgents in Iraq and analysts say this adds to evidence that the group has failed to extend its strength or spread its message inside the troubled country. The U.S. military believes that al Qaeda in Iraq, which established itself in the country after the 2003 invasion, is largely a spent force, partially due to military strategy and partially because the movement’s own operatives’ attempts at enforcing their version of Islamic law have alienated many Sunni Iraqi tribesmen in Anbar Province, where it has largely been based. Not everyone thinks the U.S. is getting things under control.

“The current administration and the U.S. military have bungled everything they’ve touched in the Middle East and the OSAMA’S-CUTE initiative is going to be popular with bubblegum deprived Arab’s who have been completely ignored by Bush and his régime,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Bubblegum, nylons and chocolate have been the backbone of every war effort. Cigarettes too I guess, but I won’t support tobacco. Anyway, Bush is screwing things up and he’s to blame for the new OSAMA’S-CUTE effort. I still don’t know why we haven’t given bin Laden Disney World and called a truce.”

Angered by months of deadly attacks against Iraqis who fail to follow their hard-line interpretations of Islam, Sunni tribes have begun to turn against al Qaeda militants they once backed. “These guys are worse bastards than the Americans,” said Inbar Drincmor an insurgent who hates everyone and has dedicated his life to killing all of humankind. “It looks to me like I’ll have to kill everyone else first and leave the Americans to last. That kind of throws off my plan, but even Islamofascists have to be flexible during wartime.”

In other news, the U.S. is hotly debating whether to take a chance and lift a 1967 ban that prohibits sausage from being shipped across state lines, but still thinks that inspecting 1% of the food we get from China is good enough.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Lizard People Rule the World

Disguised with latex and Calvin Klein

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
October 24, 2007

The FBI has secretly monitored the takeover of the world by latex and Calvin Klein disguised lizard people from under the sea. Inebriated reporters who staked out the homes of FBI officials confirm that lizard people have even infiltrated the FBI and rendered it unable to react to the information. Said reporter Izzat Somthin, “We’re in deep shit now.”

Writer, conspiracy theorist and grave digger David Icke claims that we are born into a world now controlled by unseen forces that have plagued and manipulated humanity for thousands of years. He says that hidden lizard bloodlines, through which other-dimensional entities live and operate unseen among us, are currently running today’s politics and economics. Consumer advocate and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader agrees.

“Lizard people inhabit the bodies of President George Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton, that’s for sure,” said Nader sipping Gin from a plastic tube running from a bottle duct-taped to his Planet Hollywood cap. “These two ain’t no regular folks.”

After exposing the dangers of a Chevy car built in the 1960’s Nader gained popularity for taking on consumer safety issues but lost support when he began running for president and declaring that all candidates were nuts except himself. Most experts believe that all candidates including Nader have been nuts. Either way, not everyone buys the lizard conspiracy theory.

“Lizards aren’t ruling the world,” said former Vice President and present day environmentalist Al Gore while saving a whale from attack by baby seals and then quickly knitting a pair of pants from a ball of organic cotton. “It’s anti-environment capitalist-bastards who didn’t vote for me when I ran for president. They’re running the world. And when I accept the Nobel Peace Prize for Incongruity, I’ll be telling you all what to do and how to behave from now on. Stay tuned and listen up because I know everything and I’m not a lizard. Trust me.”

In related news, Senator Nancy Pelosi says that if 12-foot blood-drinking child-sacrificing pedophile lizards secretly rule the world that it won’t be long until they back her healthcare initiatives. “All beings need tax-payer funded health care,” she said. “And as a politician who likes to reallocate peoples money, I’m here to help make that happen.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid