Lizard People Rule the World

Disguised with latex and Calvin Klein

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
October 24, 2007

The FBI has secretly monitored the takeover of the world by latex and Calvin Klein disguised lizard people from under the sea. Inebriated reporters who staked out the homes of FBI officials confirm that lizard people have even infiltrated the FBI and rendered it unable to react to the information. Said reporter Izzat Somthin, “We’re in deep shit now.”

Writer, conspiracy theorist and grave digger David Icke claims that we are born into a world now controlled by unseen forces that have plagued and manipulated humanity for thousands of years. He says that hidden lizard bloodlines, through which other-dimensional entities live and operate unseen among us, are currently running today’s politics and economics. Consumer advocate and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader agrees.

“Lizard people inhabit the bodies of President George Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton, that’s for sure,” said Nader sipping Gin from a plastic tube running from a bottle duct-taped to his Planet Hollywood cap. “These two ain’t no regular folks.”

After exposing the dangers of a Chevy car built in the 1960’s Nader gained popularity for taking on consumer safety issues but lost support when he began running for president and declaring that all candidates were nuts except himself. Most experts believe that all candidates including Nader have been nuts. Either way, not everyone buys the lizard conspiracy theory.

“Lizards aren’t ruling the world,” said former Vice President and present day environmentalist Al Gore while saving a whale from attack by baby seals and then quickly knitting a pair of pants from a ball of organic cotton. “It’s anti-environment capitalist-bastards who didn’t vote for me when I ran for president. They’re running the world. And when I accept the Nobel Peace Prize for Incongruity, I’ll be telling you all what to do and how to behave from now on. Stay tuned and listen up because I know everything and I’m not a lizard. Trust me.”

In related news, Senator Nancy Pelosi says that if 12-foot blood-drinking child-sacrificing pedophile lizards secretly rule the world that it won’t be long until they back her healthcare initiatives. “All beings need tax-payer funded health care,” she said. “And as a politician who likes to reallocate peoples money, I’m here to help make that happen.”

© 2007

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