Violence in Iraq Down 70%, bin Laden Pissed

Al Qaeda chief proposes aggressive bubblegum initiative

Inebriated Press
October 24, 2007

In an effort to forge unity among terrorists, Osama bin Laden released a new tape urging Iraqi insurgents to work together against the U.S. and has offered bubblegum and baseball trading cards to those who perform best during a November initiative entitled “Organize Suckers Against More Americans, Seething-Cultures Unite To Engage” (OSAMA’S-CUTE). Analysts say the new plan means bin Laden is losing control of the crazy bastards he’s carefully developed into crazy bastards and bubblegum may be all that he has left to try and stick things together.

“The controversial ‘surge’ of troops that the U.S. put into Iraq and an increase in aggressive tactics, has hurt bin Laden and the terrorists,” said Sonny Seamore, a Navy attaché and Sunny Delight advocate. “That and a lot of bin Laden’s suicide bombers have blown themselves up which tends to reduce the supply of available bombers – they can only do it once you know. It remains to be seen whether OSAMA’S-CUTE campaign can gain traction. Gum can only do so much in wartime.”

In the tape bin Laden lamented the lack of unity among insurgents in Iraq and analysts say this adds to evidence that the group has failed to extend its strength or spread its message inside the troubled country. The U.S. military believes that al Qaeda in Iraq, which established itself in the country after the 2003 invasion, is largely a spent force, partially due to military strategy and partially because the movement’s own operatives’ attempts at enforcing their version of Islamic law have alienated many Sunni Iraqi tribesmen in Anbar Province, where it has largely been based. Not everyone thinks the U.S. is getting things under control.

“The current administration and the U.S. military have bungled everything they’ve touched in the Middle East and the OSAMA’S-CUTE initiative is going to be popular with bubblegum deprived Arab’s who have been completely ignored by Bush and his régime,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Bubblegum, nylons and chocolate have been the backbone of every war effort. Cigarettes too I guess, but I won’t support tobacco. Anyway, Bush is screwing things up and he’s to blame for the new OSAMA’S-CUTE effort. I still don’t know why we haven’t given bin Laden Disney World and called a truce.”

Angered by months of deadly attacks against Iraqis who fail to follow their hard-line interpretations of Islam, Sunni tribes have begun to turn against al Qaeda militants they once backed. “These guys are worse bastards than the Americans,” said Inbar Drincmor an insurgent who hates everyone and has dedicated his life to killing all of humankind. “It looks to me like I’ll have to kill everyone else first and leave the Americans to last. That kind of throws off my plan, but even Islamofascists have to be flexible during wartime.”

In other news, the U.S. is hotly debating whether to take a chance and lift a 1967 ban that prohibits sausage from being shipped across state lines, but still thinks that inspecting 1% of the food we get from China is good enough.

© 2007

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