Breathe Deep and Vote Hillary for President

The Clinton Playbook: Position, Redirect and Use Martian Gas

Inebriated Press
October 25, 2007

The Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that Senator Hillary Clinton’s run for the U.S. presidency is gaining positive momentum because of her White House years. The report says voters like her “experience”. Hillary has been touting her battle for healthcare reform as First Lady in the 1990’s and saying that she can find her way around the White House quickly and this is what it takes to lead the world’s remaining superpower against Islamofascism, Iranian nuclear ambition, China’s growing military and Russia’s back-to-the-USSR plans. Forgotten or ignored, is the fact that the Clinton Presidential Library is denying requests for information about what Hillary Clinton really did as First Lady. And major media is quiet on the facts about Hillary’s disastrous healthcare plan, the Chinese funding scandal that Bill Clinton faced then and Hillary has now; plus Travelgate and the mystery death of Clinton’s lawyer. Holy cow, is everyone asleep?

“As a government employee I don’t take sides on political issues,” said Wolf Scully, director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife secret Z-Files Division. “But my research shows that aliens from another planet cut a deal with the Senator from New York and are providing her campaign with an invisible gas that makes people have selective memory. My sources tell me she promised them the world’s cow lips. All signs indicate that the Martian gas does the trick.”

LA Times cited a Times/Bloomberg poll that found nearly two-thirds of Democrats and nearly half of all voters say Hillary Clinton’s famously unsuccessful effort in the 1990s to provide health coverage for all Americans makes her better able now to deal with healthcare as president.

“Failure and incompetence accompanied by media spin is a logical springboard to leadership in a socialist society and that’s what makes this so satisfying,” said wide-to-the left Senator Nancy Pelosi who also said she has no political favorite but likes cats. “The concept that the best should rise to the top is flawed and an outmoded capitalist tenet of the United States that’s rapidly going the way of the religious conservative in Berkeley. I’m Senator from there and I know what I’m talking about. No way could Hillary or me rise to the top if it weren’t for the progressive values infiltrating society today.”

A White House travel office controversy called “Travelgate” was a factor in White House counsel Vince Foster’s depression and suicide during President Bill Clinton’s administration. A special GAO report indicated that First Lady Hillary Clinton played a large role saying she had urged “that action be taken to get ‘our people’ into the travel office.” Foster was deputy White House counsel during Clinton’s first term and also a law partner and “friend” of Hillary Rodham Clinton. In 1993 Foster was found dead in Fort Marcy Park, a federal park in Virginia. Travelgate was the first major scandal of the Clinton administration.

“He was cleaning his handgun,” said former President Bill Clinton flipping pages of a Play Boy Magazine. “That’s why I am in favor of banning handguns and the cleaning of them. They’re just too risky … unlike the good sense to vote for my wife that everyone should have.”

In 1996 then President Bill Clinton received Democratic campaign contributions from China after decisions to share U.S. satellite technology with the Chinese government. And this year Norman Hu a fund raiser for Hillary tried to flee the country after arranging and funneling hundreds of thousands of dollars in illegal campaign contributions to Clinton. Hu was arrested by the FBI in Colorado but has disappeared from most Internet searches.

“Stuff happens,” said the former President when asked about the Chinese connection. “So I like Chinese food and funds. No biggy.”

Documents Newsweek Magazine obtained under a Freedom of Information Act request (made to the Archives in Washington, not the Clinton library) suggest that, while publicly saying he wants to ease restrictions on his records, Bill Clinton has given the Archives private instructions to tightly control the disclosure of chunks of his archive. The recommended seal on Hillary Clinton’s papers goes beyond restrictions by Bill Clinton’s successors Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, neither of whom imposed any controls over their wives’ papers.

“We aren’t trying to hide anything about my past,” said candidate Clinton spraying the air with an odorless gas. “As the wife of a former president I am qualified to rule the most powerful country in the world and impose my will on whomever I want. I am my own god and it’s time you think so too.”

© 2007

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