Daily Archives: October 26, 2007

Iran, Britney, Post and Pre-teen Sex

Questions of maturity and risk hover in space with few takers

Inebriated Press
October 26, 2007

Iran is buying fighter jets from China and nuclear material from Russia and the U.S. is imposing new sanctions on Iran for “irresponsible behavior”. Meanwhile the Portland Maine School District is giving birth control pills to eleven year old middle-school children and Britney Spears and former hubby K-Fed are taking court-ordered parenting classes. Rumors are spreading in the U.S. that Maturity and Common Sense are now hiding in an underground bunker in South Dakota. And people trying to apply the word “irresponsible” with some form of consistency are hopelessly confused. But optimism remains widespread in New England.

“Everything is great. The Red Sox are kicking ass and so are the Patriots. Boston College football is undefeated and ranked number two in the nation and the Celtics signed Kevin Garnett in the off-season,” said Sigmund Freud, noted psychiatrist and secret Bosox and Botox supporter. “Balancing risk and the maturity of current humankind versus the New England sports scene, I have to say the sporting world is the place to be. Why notice anything else?”

Dead psychiatrists’ aside, things in the world are spinning madly out of control according to some.

“Where are the mature adults,” asked Susie Lombard, a first grade teacher from Wisconsin who has had to resist slapping the shit out of a lot of adults these days. “Iran won’t behave and both China and Russia are enablers. Britney Spears and K-Fed are adults but the courts have to try forcing them to become responsible parents. Now Maine thinks that handing out birth control drugs to eleven year olds is a shrewd move. I’m a mild mannered Midwesterner but this begs the question: what the hell is everyone thinking? First graders know better than this and a lot them can’t even tie their own shoes.”

Yesterday the Bush administration imposed a series of new sanctions on Iran in an effort to limit the regime’s nuclear program and “increase the costs to Iran for its irresponsible behavior.” Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline reunited Wednesday for court-ordered parenting classes. The Portland School Committee recently decided the King Middle School’s health center could distribute a wide range of birth control, including the pill and the patch, to students as young as 11. Students need their parents’ permission to use the health center, but the specific treatment they receive there is confidential.

“I wear a nicotine patch on my right shoulder to help me quit smoking and a birth control patch on the left so I don’t get knocked up,” said Sally Ride, a precocious 11 year-old who wants to be an astronaut. “I’m using steroids so I’ll be stronger on next year’s soccer team. Things were going pretty good for me until my teacher started screwing the 13 year old boy I’ve been seeing, so I’ve started smoking medicinal marijuana to avoid depression. Now if the damn 12 year olds would quit pulling my pigtails I’d be just fine. Middle school can be tough sometimes. If Ahmadinejad showed up in my class we’d kick his ass.”

In related news, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says every child should receive birth control when they become able to walk and nine out of ten Liberals who chew gum change channels to avoid discomfort when faced with personal responsibility involving discipline.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Willie Nelson Fights for Marijuana Rights

Downtrodden users need access to dope

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 26, 2007

Singer and medicinal drug user Willie Nelson is petitioning the U.S. Congress to allow Americans who really want to use marijuana to be free to use it.  He says lack of freedom to smoke pot puts undue psychological stress on people who “need it bad”.  He cites the Declaration of Independence and says that the founders of the United States wanted citizens to have the right to pursue happiness and that includes pot.

“The stodgy conservative orthodoxy of many Americans who haven’t tried drugs either recreationally or for medical purposes, like curing a hang over, don’t understand what it’s like not to have easy and free access to weed,” said Nelson smoking an undisclosed substance in a Zig Zag wrapper.  “That makes me blue even when I’m not singing blues and that makes me feel bad about my tax problems.  And damn, I like feeling good all the time — and especially not thinking about my tax problems.”

Debate over legalization of marijuana and other substances sometimes referred to as “drugs” has raged in the U.S. for years and some U.S. States have taken it on their own and declared certain amounts of marijuana to be legal as long as it’s been prescribed by a doctor who’s not named Cheech.  Willie Nelson has been arrested for possession of marijuana and brownies of unknown origin and says it’s been a psychological struggle to deal with.  He feels that any American should be able to smoke pot whenever they want so they can avoid being depressed about not having free access.  Not everyone thinks that legalizing marijuana is the right thing to do.

“Marijuana, cocaine and other substances currently illegal in the United States should remain illegal,” said a source who wanted us to refer to him only as “Wally”.  “I own this territory and I don’t want nobody horning in just because it got legal or something.  I deal the stuff fair and with only a reasonable profit involved and that’s the way it should stay.  Besides this currency valuation shit is really messing with the business and I got enough troubles with shooting folks I have to and all.”

National Public Radio (NPR) reported that with the U.S. dollar falling, Canadian pot exporters are seeing their profits surge. And pot smokers in this country are paying the price: 50 percent more for Canadian weed.  But thanks to the weaker Mexican peso, the Mexican-grown stuff is getting pretty cheap although quality is sometimes lacking.
“It’s high time we legalize this stuff so U.S. farmers can grow it and we don’t have to rely on foreign produced weed,” said Acting Agriculture Secretary Chuck Conner, shocking most members of the Cabinet but showing his staunch support for American’s desires to become less dependent on foreign countries for bad food, Middle Eastern oil and now, marijuana.  “If I were appointed full time Ag Secretary and could serve a few more years I’d have more initiatives that would increase trade while controlling foreign dependence.  It’s important to me that drug dependent Americans have good quality stuff raised by U.S. citizens that don’t contain additives and fillers.”

In related news, Willie Nelson performed at the 22nd annual Farm Aid concert in 2007.  Nelson, Neil Young and John Mellencamp organized the first Farm Aid concert in 1985 to raise awareness about the loss of family farms and to raise funds to keep farm families on their land. Dave Matthews joined the Farm Aid Board of Directors in 2001.  Supporting U.S. farmers and drug users are a passion for the artists and they enjoy the fruits of both.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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