Iran, Britney, Post and Pre-teen Sex

Questions of maturity and risk hover in space with few takers

Inebriated Press
October 26, 2007

Iran is buying fighter jets from China and nuclear material from Russia and the U.S. is imposing new sanctions on Iran for “irresponsible behavior”. Meanwhile the Portland Maine School District is giving birth control pills to eleven year old middle-school children and Britney Spears and former hubby K-Fed are taking court-ordered parenting classes. Rumors are spreading in the U.S. that Maturity and Common Sense are now hiding in an underground bunker in South Dakota. And people trying to apply the word “irresponsible” with some form of consistency are hopelessly confused. But optimism remains widespread in New England.

“Everything is great. The Red Sox are kicking ass and so are the Patriots. Boston College football is undefeated and ranked number two in the nation and the Celtics signed Kevin Garnett in the off-season,” said Sigmund Freud, noted psychiatrist and secret Bosox and Botox supporter. “Balancing risk and the maturity of current humankind versus the New England sports scene, I have to say the sporting world is the place to be. Why notice anything else?”

Dead psychiatrists’ aside, things in the world are spinning madly out of control according to some.

“Where are the mature adults,” asked Susie Lombard, a first grade teacher from Wisconsin who has had to resist slapping the shit out of a lot of adults these days. “Iran won’t behave and both China and Russia are enablers. Britney Spears and K-Fed are adults but the courts have to try forcing them to become responsible parents. Now Maine thinks that handing out birth control drugs to eleven year olds is a shrewd move. I’m a mild mannered Midwesterner but this begs the question: what the hell is everyone thinking? First graders know better than this and a lot them can’t even tie their own shoes.”

Yesterday the Bush administration imposed a series of new sanctions on Iran in an effort to limit the regime’s nuclear program and “increase the costs to Iran for its irresponsible behavior.” Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline reunited Wednesday for court-ordered parenting classes. The Portland School Committee recently decided the King Middle School’s health center could distribute a wide range of birth control, including the pill and the patch, to students as young as 11. Students need their parents’ permission to use the health center, but the specific treatment they receive there is confidential.

“I wear a nicotine patch on my right shoulder to help me quit smoking and a birth control patch on the left so I don’t get knocked up,” said Sally Ride, a precocious 11 year-old who wants to be an astronaut. “I’m using steroids so I’ll be stronger on next year’s soccer team. Things were going pretty good for me until my teacher started screwing the 13 year old boy I’ve been seeing, so I’ve started smoking medicinal marijuana to avoid depression. Now if the damn 12 year olds would quit pulling my pigtails I’d be just fine. Middle school can be tough sometimes. If Ahmadinejad showed up in my class we’d kick his ass.”

In related news, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says every child should receive birth control when they become able to walk and nine out of ten Liberals who chew gum change channels to avoid discomfort when faced with personal responsibility involving discipline.

© 2007

Comments Off on Iran, Britney, Post and Pre-teen Sex

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.