Daily Archives: October 29, 2007

Profanity boosts morale

Harvard Business School adds swearing course

Inebriated Press
October 29, 2007

A new British study published in the Leadership and Organization Development Journal says that profanity can boost morale and increase “solidarity” among staff. As a result, Harvard Business School (HBS) announced it will be the first Ivy League college with a “Business Profanity” graduate level course. Yale says they think the idea is stupid and said Harvard was made up of low life sons of bitches intermixed with some real assholes who couldn’t find practical grad school courses if they were tattooed on their dicks. Reportedly this reaction boosted morale at Yale, but did little to change Harvard’s decision.

“Had the people at Yale taken our course on profanity, they’d have made better use of the term ass hole and better clarified the nature of the sons of bitches that they were talking about,” said Jay Light the Dean at HBS who frequently criticizes Home Box Office for countermanding the schools HB initials. “The use of profanity is very effective in business and in general communication, but it’s important to understand the cultural import and intellectual nuance in order to maximize the effectiveness of the words. But then, the folks at Yale are really just a bunch of porn queens and douche bags. It’s how I’d expect them to react.”

The research suggests that while imposing a ban on profanity and reprimanding staff might seem like strong leadership, it would remove the source of solidarity and in doing so could lead to decreased morale and work motivation. Professor Yehuda Baruch says that abusive and offensive swearing “should be eliminated where it generates greater levels of stress, rather than helping to relieve it.” He admitted that finding a happy medium is a tough proposition for supervisors.

“Each businesses has its own culture and the level of uplifting profanity differs somewhat from one company to another,” said Professor Baruch cursing out his mail boy and effectively boosting his morale and encouraging him to find different work. “Even in schools where all kinds of swearing are normal, some students and staff are more edified than others.”

In other news, OJ Simpson says his arrest in Las Vegas was made by “vile half wits with %!#@%$! for brains” and potential love interests have been motivated to run for their lives.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Dumbledore is Gay, Harry Potter a Woman

Climate change risk opens closet doors

Inebriated Press
October 29, 2007

J.K. Rowling stunned Harry Potter enthusiasts last week when she announced that the Dumbledore character is gay and Harry is actually a woman. Rowling said recent news from the United Nations that says climate change has put the survival of humankind at risk made her open the closet and invent new sexual histories for her characters. While most readers knew that Hogwarts School is actually a combination of witchcraft, sorcery and cross dressing, few understood that the transmutation of the characters also included sexual tendencies. But some knew it all along.

“Anyone who watches Harry’s effeminate approach to things knew that Harry was an abbreviation for Harriet,” said Huey Lewis, a musician and an expert in eugenics and British novels. “And Ron Weasley is asexual and mostly an amoeba but with a few protozoan tendencies.”

Harry Potter is a heptalogy of fantasy novels written by British author J. K. Rowling. The books chronicle the adventures of an adolescent wizard Harry Potter, together with his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. The story is mostly set at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, an academy for young wizards and witches. The story line concerns Harry’s conflict against the evil wizard Lord Voldemort, who killed Harry’s parents in his quest to conquer the wizarding world. Only recently has sexual orientation been back dated into the stories and a lot of people are anticipating the revised version that Rowling says is coming.

“I became wild with excitement when I learned of the new revised sexual history that was going to affect all of the Harry Potter characters and how climate change will ultimately destroy humankind unless wizards control the U.S. public school system,” said Cindy Lou, an 11 year old birth control user from Maine. “I may be young but I’m growing up in New England where we’ve cast aside old style youthful innocence and childhood development. We’re hell bent for sexual freedom and I was ecstatic when learned that Hermione Granger is actually a transsexual Newt.”

But not everyone is upbeat about the Rowling decision to re-spin her stories. “Why couldn’t Dumbledore tell us himself?” asked John Cloud, a Time Magazine writer. “The Potter books add up to more than 800,000 words before Dumbledore dies in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, yet Rowling couldn’t spare two of those words to help define a central character’s emotional identity. Sure I was suspicious when he was listening to the Streisand records, but still.”

In other news, climate change, species extinctions and a growing human population is putting the global economy and even the survival of mankind at risk, a new United Nations study says. And New York is one of more than a dozen states, led by California, preparing to sue the Bush administration for holding up efforts to regulate emissions from cars and trucks, several people involved in the lawsuit said last week. J.K. Rowling is expected to join the suit citing her State of Mind and current bank account which she says is equal to most U.S. States and several small countries. Some say she can’t participate but she said she can do anything, even rewrite history if she wants too.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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