Daily Archives: October 30, 2007

Fake foods, like fake boobs, on the increase

Chinese innovation catches on

Inebriated Press
October 30, 2007

The amount of fake foods, drinks and agricultural products being traded worldwide is on the increase according to a new European Commission report on counterfeiting released yesterday by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD). Previously “fakes” only dominated female breast size but now the Chinese are aggressively expanding the fake product category to include food and drink. Some food industry pundits are wary of this trend and cite health risks, but others see food and breast augmentation as a healthy growth industry.

“Silicon breasts, asbestos coffee and antifreeze based Scotch whiskey are keys to a bright new future,” said alternative food and boob expert Bubbles “Juggy” Malone a recent immigrant from China, now living in the U.S. under an assumed name. “And my new company – Trans-World Trans-Food Trans-Gender Inc. (TWTFTGi) – is going to break the mold of the old Kraft and Sara Lee style food conglomerates. TWTFTGi is an extension of new era ethics. Whatever you believe to be true, is true. Whatever sex you believe you are, you are. Whatever you believe is food, is food. We’re in an exciting new era of possibility.”

According to the OECD study, fruit such as kiwis, dried vegetables, milk powder, butter, baby food, instant coffee, alcohol, drinks, confectionery, and hi-bred corn seeds are the most faked items in the sector. The majority of infringements in the food and drink industry involve the misappropriation of trade marks or registered designs, the OECD noted. But food laced with melamine, antifreeze and other products once not considered food has been important to the continued growth of the Chinese food export market. Some consumer advocates have expressed concern.

“I’ve been wary of all kinds of stuff for years, and the bad trends showing up in food now just keeps hitting me in the face the way good news out of Iraq is knocking back Democrats,” said Ralph Nader, consumer advocate and former presidential candidate currently depressed about his hangnails. “I don’t drink much regular Scotch let alone the antifreeze based stuff, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. And I can’t find good hand lotion that flat-out stops hangnails. Looks like soaking them in Scotch hasn’t been doing the trick. Must have the wrong fake stuff.”

The European Commission also reported that while the number of cases registered has remained relatively constant in recent years, about 5.2 million items of counterfeited foodstuff, drinks and alcohol were seized in 2005, a 118 per cent increase over 2003.

In other news, Pam Anderson said fakes are nothing to fear and it gets easier to “swap out” real for fake and fake for fake over the years. “It’s all in the getting used to,” she reportedly said. “Accepting volume and size over quality and safety is the key.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Monkeys Evolved From Humans

Archaeologists Make Startling Discovery

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 30, 2007

Humans walked the earth before monkeys swung from trees. This startling revelation is published in the November issue of the Journal of Questionable Archeology and is destined to shake up what most have known as questionable evolutionary theory and replace it with merely dubious evolutionary theory. Darwin’s long held view that humans evolved from monkeys has been handed the big spittoon and like cigarettes is being relegated to the stinky part of history. But like Big Tobacco, it’s not going without a fight.

“Everyone knows that monkey’s were here first and that humans gradually evolved from them over the millennia,” said Brad Sprik a scientist and half evolved male who hasn’t had a date in five years. “It’s not relevant that no scientific proof backs this up, the facts are the facts no matter what anyone else says.”

But Archie Graham a doctor and former baseball player says it’s not that simple. “I’ve studied men and monkey’s and except for Doritos and cheese there is no significant difference between them,” said Graham eating a banana and picking through the hair on his arm looking for parasites. “Both men and monkeys arrived here from outer space at the same time and grew up together doing detestable things that resulted in the birth of Neanderthals. Hand me that bottle of Jack will yah? Thinking about this stuff makes me drink like a fish.”

Archaeologists said recent events in the Middle East display a “devolving human spiral” and that current trends among Islamofascists will result in a new sub-species. They say that means there will be people with brains and moving parts but no common sense to distinguish them from primates. “It’s like they’re all becoming monkey-boys who just parrot what their mullahs say and then like the wind up monkey with the cymbals they pull the plug that blows them up, over and over again,” said Doc Holiday, a dentist and gunslinger from the old West. “If the New West doesn’t pay attention to this, then these monkey-boys will kill them all.”

The monkey-boy trend when combined with an archaeological find indicating that monkey’s flew in space before Neil Armstrong did convinced archaeologists that humans were on earth before monkeys and that monkeys evolved into the NASA program before fading into devolved humans. “What else can I say,” said archaeologist Nicky Moore, a scientist and part time model. “At this rate only brainy babes like me will be left.”

In related news, Osama bin Laden says evolution is irrelevant and that monkey-boys will some day rule the planet; and the Association of Muslim Women voted that men have to start wearing veils from now on.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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