Archaeologists Make Startling Discovery
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 30, 2007
Humans walked the earth before monkeys swung from trees. This startling revelation is published in the November issue of the Journal of Questionable Archeology and is destined to shake up what most have known as questionable evolutionary theory and replace it with merely dubious evolutionary theory. Darwin’s long held view that humans evolved from monkeys has been handed the big spittoon and like cigarettes is being relegated to the stinky part of history. But like Big Tobacco, it’s not going without a fight.
“Everyone knows that monkey’s were here first and that humans gradually evolved from them over the millennia,” said Brad Sprik a scientist and half evolved male who hasn’t had a date in five years. “It’s not relevant that no scientific proof backs this up, the facts are the facts no matter what anyone else says.”
But Archie Graham a doctor and former baseball player says it’s not that simple. “I’ve studied men and monkey’s and except for Doritos and cheese there is no significant difference between them,” said Graham eating a banana and picking through the hair on his arm looking for parasites. “Both men and monkeys arrived here from outer space at the same time and grew up together doing detestable things that resulted in the birth of Neanderthals. Hand me that bottle of Jack will yah? Thinking about this stuff makes me drink like a fish.”
Archaeologists said recent events in the Middle East display a “devolving human spiral” and that current trends among Islamofascists will result in a new sub-species. They say that means there will be people with brains and moving parts but no common sense to distinguish them from primates. “It’s like they’re all becoming monkey-boys who just parrot what their mullahs say and then like the wind up monkey with the cymbals they pull the plug that blows them up, over and over again,” said Doc Holiday, a dentist and gunslinger from the old West. “If the New West doesn’t pay attention to this, then these monkey-boys will kill them all.”
The monkey-boy trend when combined with an archaeological find indicating that monkey’s flew in space before Neil Armstrong did convinced archaeologists that humans were on earth before monkeys and that monkeys evolved into the NASA program before fading into devolved humans. “What else can I say,” said archaeologist Nicky Moore, a scientist and part time model. “At this rate only brainy babes like me will be left.”
In related news, Osama bin Laden says evolution is irrelevant and that monkey-boys will some day rule the planet; and the Association of Muslim Women voted that men have to start wearing veils from now on.
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com