Thoughts get reported to underground badger civilization
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 31, 2007
Scientists have discovered that cats are an alien species that are reading our minds and telepathically transferring their findings to a civilization of badgers living deep underground. This shocking revelation has overturned years of Egyptian belief that cats are gods and set Islamofascists on their collective ears. But not everyone is willing to accept the scientific pronouncement.
“My cat doesn’t know shit and other than wrecking my drapes and pissing in my shoes she hasn’t done a thing but lay around the house,” said cynic and hairdresser Donald Trump. “If that cat could read my mind it would have moved out by now.”
But the scientists made it clear that the cats are onto us. “Look into their eyes and you’ll know it,” said Indy Glanwood, a mental giant with degrees coming out of his ass. “They’ve been absorbing our knowledge and passing it on to the badgers. Those badgers are going to come for us one day and take over our culture and civilization. The damn badgers are coming man. I know it. I can feel it. Can you feel it? It’s just over there a little to the left.”
According to the scientists the badgers are already spreading infectious disease to cows in Great Britain and are eyeing the Brit’s to see how they react. And by using parasites that can only survive in desert regions they’ve caused people in the Middle East to kill each other indiscriminately for generations.
“The people in the Middle East all think they hate each other because of their different cultures and faiths,” said Ahshit Kilem a cleric and author of the popular book “Kids Guide to Bomb Making”. “The reality is it’s these damned bitey things that are driving us crazy. Dogonit, I feel like shooting somebody right now!”
In related news, J Lo says she likes her cat and often thinks silly thoughts to confuse the badgers. So far it’s working because the badgers haven’t attacked.
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