Monthly Archives: November 2007

CIA to replace Bin Laden with Prostitute

New Google technology takes on al Qaeda

Inebriated Press
November 30, 2007

CNN reported yesterday that an audio message attributed to Osama bin Laden called on Europeans to abandon fighting in Afghanistan.  Reportedly the terrorist leader said that he alone should attack people and decide who has the right to live or die and that Westerners should stop bothering al Qaeda and the Taliban.  Meanwhile, Google Inc. is testing technology that will find the location of people using its mobile mapping service, even if the phone making the connection isn’t equipped with a GPS receiver.  The CIA has called on Google to help them find bin Laden and run a new “search and replace” feature so they can swap him out for a charitable Chilean prostitute.

“We’ve been working closely with Google on a new platform that combines their mobile phone mapping system with the search and replace technology of word processing software,” said Marshal McLuhan, a secret CIA operative and communications theorist currently moonlighting as a dead guy, but who keeps up with cutting edge communication technology and ways in which it can transform society.  “Once our system is ready we intend to run the mobile map/search and replace system and switch Bin Laden for that Chilean prostitute who sold 27 hours of sex for charity on Wednesday.  After we drop that bitch in there with those sex starved al Qaeda terrorists, that outfit will turn inside out.  Course the John’s in Chile will probably freak out when they realize they’re screwing Bin Laden, but what the hay.  It’s about time the bastard gets some comeuppance.”

Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the Chile, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to a televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening.  Adult prostitution is legal in Chile. Chile’s two-day Telethon fundraiser is endorsed by television stars and aims to raise funds for poor, disabled children.

“I’ve already auctioned off the 27 hours of love,” Maria Carolina told Reuters on Wednesday.  “I have a knack for good deeds and turning tricks.”

The new Google tracking feature introduced Wednesday is being touted as an added convenience because it will enable people on-the-go to skip the task of typing a starting address on a mobile handset’s small keys when they turn to Google’s maps for guidance.  Using the technology, dubbed “My Location,” simply requires pressing zero on a mobile handset equipped with the new software. The sender’s location shows up as a blue dot on Google’s mobile maps.

“We’ve got most of the bugs worked out of the mobile map/search and replace system,” said Google’s Sergey Brin, swapping Danny Devito for Nancy Pelosi and watching Devito take charge of Congress on C-Span while someplace in Hollywood Pelosi woke up necking with Rhea Perlman, Devitos’ wife.  “This is kind of fun.  The possibilities are endless.”

In other news, the Berkeley City Council approved a controversial plan Tuesday night to reduce sex on sidewalks and in parks.  The initiative, known as the Public Commons for Everyone Initiative, will provide more housing and benefits counseling.  “Maybe if we have the Chilean hooker counsel our citizens about her approach to sex they’ll start using a room,” said City Councilman Laurie Capitelli.  “I emailed Bin Laden about it, but he never got back to me.”

© 2007

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Alert: Killer Frogs Attacking Americans

When you least expect it, they pounce
Never heard of this? No one survives to tell

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 30, 2007

Killer frogs are stalking Americans and the truth is being kept from you by the government.  This knowledge is the result of a new undercover investigation recently completed by former KGB agents now working for Israeli Intelligence secretly operating in North America.  Our own government has silenced all reports on the topic by squelching media reports and muting presidential candidates.  While drugs and illegal aliens pour into the U.S. unabated and the media dutifully reports it to American citizens, no one talks about the killer frogs already here.  Until now.  We’re taking the risk and letting you know the facts.

“Every frog can kill and most of them have,” said Cindy Brown, a KGB-Israeli scientist who recently changed her name from Sarah Newman so know one could identify her.  “They hop around on lily pads and people think of them as being harmless Mark-Twain-type-characters in jumping-races and stuff.  But the reality is that there are people pushing up daisies now because of the killer frogs.”

Officials of the federal government continue to deny the existence of killer frogs and wouldn’t speak on the record for this report.  Off-the-record one official said we were stupid to look into the story.  “You guys are morons,” she said, farting in our direction.  “If there were killer frogs you’d be dead and couldn’t tell the story.”  Without realizing what she’d done, this official confirmed what the KGB-Israeli investigation reported.  When encountering a frog intending to kill you, you die.  You don’t live to talk about it.  You’re simply history.

The frog is an amphibian in the order Anura (meaning “tail-less”, from Greek an-, without + oura, tail), formerly referred to as Salientia (Latin saltare, to jump). The name frog derives from Old English frogga, cognate with Sanskrit plava (frog), probably deriving from Proto-Indo-European praw = “to jump”.  Adult frogs are characterized by long hind legs, a short body, webbed digits, protruding eyes and the absence of a tail.  Most frogs have a semi-aquatic lifestyle, but move easily on land by jumping or climbing.  Meat-eating frogs have begun appearing in the U.S. this year.

In March 2007 Fox News reported that meat-eating killer frogs invaded a pond in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park, leaving environmentalists wondering how to stop their deadly march.  But they won’t be stopped.  And that’s what the government won’t tell you.  Islamofascists aside, killer frogs are the biggest threat to your life and future.  Shuck your cholesterol nervousness aside and keep your eyes peeled for the frogs.  Your government doesn’t know what the hell to do.  At least now you know what’s going on.

In other news, the federal government continues to keep secrets that you are “better off not knowing” and nine out of ten doctors admit that your longevity will be impacted more by your genetics than by anything you eat.  And that includes frogs.

© 2007

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Cable TV Companies Know What’s Best for You

Win fight to make you buy unwanted channels

Inebriated Press
November 29, 2007

U.S. Cable companies fierce lobbying over the threat of expanded government control paid off late Tuesday night, as federal regulators approved a watered-down proposal that effectively blocks efforts to allow Americans freedom to buy individual cable channels on an “a la carte” basis.  Cable company executives hailed the action as a big win for consumers saying consumers have plenty of money but don’t really know how they want to spend it anyway.

“Consumers shouldn’t have to endure the pressures of ‘freedom to choose’ by having to decide what channels they get when they pay for TV from us cable guys,” said Bob Jones CEO of Mega-Cable, and brother of the late Jim Jones, the man who led Peoples Temple and convinced all the members to drink poison Kool-Aid and give it to their children back in 1978.  “People need to be told what to do because they can’t decide for themselves.  That’s one thing I strongly agreed with my brother about.  God rest his soul.”

Americans who subscribe to cable has climbed to 71.4 percent and at issue in Tuesday’s FCC meeting was this year’s iteration of an annual report to Congress in which the FCC attempts to quantify competition in the cable industry.  The FCC chairman said the report indicates the industry is no longer competitive but industry lobbyists’ said it still was.  After a rocky day of closed-door negotiations, FCC Chairman Kevin Martin caved to pressure from fellow commissioners over how to handle the contentious cable competition report.

“Screw it,” said FCC’s Martin, handing out Trojan condoms to bystanders.  “And expect to get screwed early and often by the cable companies.  I can’t get help from the commissioners who’re supposed to be working with me to protect the American consumer, so I guess getting hosed is now the new American way of life.  So much for the right to pursue happiness and pay for what you want to buy.  Guess we’ll have to keep buying the crap we don’t want to get a few of the channels we do.”

Reportedly cable companies will continue to bundle unwanted cable networks along with ones that American’s want so that they can say they offer lots of channels and impress consumers.  It also helps the executives who own shares in poor doing cable channels that no one would pay for if they weren’t forced on consumers.

“We’re doing Americans a favor by keeping the number of total channels high,” said a cable company provider who thinks he’s Humphrey Bogart.  “Never mind that you have to buy products to block channels you don’t want your kids to see, or that half the channels you get you never watch.  You’ll take them, like them, and pay for them because I said so.  And if you keep mouthing off I’ll send one of the boys around to have a little chat with you.”

In related news, cable company executives said that freedom is over-rated and that Taliban style government management is actually very efficient.  “Except for the veils and beheadings, the Taliban displays a useful approach to governing,” said a millionaire cable CEO scratching an itch.  “And I’m not saying that just because I can and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

© 2007

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Study: Rabbits More Dangerous Than Tigers

Fur linked to secrets of universe and psychic power

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 29, 2007

A recent study released by the University of Useless Facts in Toronto says that rabbits are more dangerous than tigers, are smarter than lemons and have sharper teeth than almost all oboes.   While some scientists debate the findings on religious grounds, others say it explains the disappearance of almost every well known celebrity of the past century.

“I’ve traced almost every career collapse involving a famous actor or actress to some form of rabbit incident,” said Skip Lee, a rabbit scientist at the Julliard School of Acting and Hare Care.  “Carrie Fisher played that babe Princess Leia in Star Wars.  She hit a rabbit on the way home one day and before she knew what hit her, her husband dumped her for a guy and she was left wondering what the hell had happened.  Benji Gregory, the kid who played Brian on ALF.  He eats rabbit one day on the set and he’s out of work.  Ends up joining the Navy for food money.  It’s the damn rabbits I’m telling you!”

Psychics have known about the power of rabbits for centuries.  Some have used them to explain everything from the future of the world to how to remove a ketchup stain from a blouse.  “Rabbits know the future and can remove stains without harming garments,” said psychic and faith-based launderer Craig Hamilton-Parker.  “They are quicker than chickens and less dangerous than the IRS.  Carefully and respectfully dealt with, a good rabbit will help you clean your undies and rule the known universe.”

Rabbits are small mammals in the family Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha, and found in several parts of the world.  There are seven different genera in the family classified as rabbits, including the European rabbit (Oryctolagus cuniculus), cottontail rabbit (genus Sylvilagus; 13 species), and the Amami rabbit (Pentalagus furnessi, an endangered species on Amami Oshima, Japan). 

In related news, rabbits’ feet on key chains continues to bring luck to a few psychics and actors, but tends to depress most rabbits who would rather use them to hop around.

© 2007

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Cheney sees nude Hillary photos, heart skips a beat

Characteristically tough against Dem’s, VP weakens when confronted with jugs

Inebriated Press
November 28, 2007

Cardiologists say Vice President Dick Cheney’s episode of irregular heart rhythm will not likely affect his immediate health — but the condition could point to a worsening of his continuing heart problems unless he stays away from certain Internet websites.  Earlier this year Bill Clinton sold shower photo’s of his wife and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to raise money after the arrest of Democrat fundraiser Norman Hsu.  Hsu was channeling funds to the Clinton’s using illegal methods.  Reportedly VP Cheney was doing “political research” when he stumbled upon the nude photo’s which caused the “fluttering” of his heart and another undisclosed organ.

“The Vice President is doing fine, is stable, and is again able to fit into his pants comfortably,” said a cardiologist at George Washington University Hospital covering his name tag.  “We momentarily flashed a picture of a fake newspaper declaring Hillary Clinton the new president of the United States and shocked the heart back into rhythm.  As long has he stays away from her nude pictures on the web and carries the fake newspaper around with him in case of an emergency, he should be okay.”

Cheney’s doctor detected his irregular heartbeat, technically known as atrial fibrillation, Monday morning when the vice president visited because of concerns over a lingering cough, believed to be from a cold.  During the exam he admitted that he began feeling “funny” after viewing the nude photos of Senator Clinton on his computer.

“We believe that his strong negative feelings about the politics of Democrats and Hillary in particular, clashed with the carnal feelings he began having toward the nude Democrat he was viewing in the shower photos,” said cardio-psychotherapist Larry Craig, currently a recovering Senator known to frequent airports.  “When the emotions crisscrossed his brain it resulted in the release of body chemicals causing his pants to feel uncomfortably tight.  Within moments his heart started misfiring.  As I understand it something similar used to happen during the Bill Clinton presidency, but Bill just took off his pants and relived the pressure.”

Still, cardiologists say the finding is not good news for Cheney.  “Looks like he likes something about Democrats after all,” said DNC chair Howard Dean.  “I always figured he had a weakness somewhere.  The DNC may send some female flashers to the Republican convention next year just to see what happens.”

In other news, Nancy Pelosi says she’s jealous that no one has posted nude photos of her online and may start a website of her own.  Barack Obama is reportedly considering releasing nude photos of himself so he can match Hillary point for point during the presidential race.

© 2007

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Babes and O.J. Simpson in Peanut Butter Scandal

Condiment tied to Las Vegas activity

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 28, 2007

Breaking news from Las Vegas later tonight will indicate a confusing love triangle involving women with various hair colors, O.J. Simpson and several brands of peanut butter.  Officials at ConAgra Foods deny any involvement by Peter Pan but insiders at several Vegas casinos say different.   An investigation by pharmaceutical companies is underway and is rumored to include four out of five dentists.  A reporter covering the Simpson trial initially broke the story.  We have exclusive coverage.

“I saw a blonde and a red head climb into a limo carrying several containers of peanut butter,” said the reporter who works for a major media network, but who refused to share their identity with us out of fear that someone reading this may know them.  “I’m almost positive that they were going to do something with it and I’d heard it had something to do with Peter Pan or O.J. Simpson.  I don’t know if it was a guy named Pan or the peanut butter, but I know that condiments involving nuts were tied to the planned activity.  I’m not sure if it was O.J. that was nuts or the peanut butter, I admit the details are sketchy but that’s usually for the best in this town.”

Subsequent statements and discussion about nuts and protein content revealed confusing details.  A bystander, who also refused to share his name with us, said that he had actually seen a blonde open the lid of a peanut butter container.  “I’ve no idea what she was planning to do with it, but I’m sure it was going to be disgusting,” said the unnamed person.  “And I know about disgusting because I spent a day O.J.’s trial in L.A.”

Peanut butter is a food paste made primarily from ground roasted peanuts, with or without added oil.  It is popular primarily in the United States, Australia, the United Kingdom, Canada, South Africa, Papua New Guinea, New Zealand, The Netherlands, the Philippines and Saudi Arabia.

O. J. Simpson is a retired American football player who achieved stardom as a running back at the collegiate and professional levels, and was the first NFL player to rush for more than 2,000 yards in a season.  Simpson is infamous for having been tried for the murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman in 1994.  He was acquitted in criminal court in 1995 after a lengthy, highly publicized trial.  In 1997, Simpson was found liable for their deaths in civil court, but to date has paid little of the $33.5 million judgment.  In September 2007 Simpson faced more legal troubles, as he was arrested in Las Vegas and subsequently charged with numerous felonies including but not limited to robbery with a deadly weapon, burglary with a firearm, assault with a deadly weapon, first degree kidnapping with use of a deadly weapon (which carries a possible life sentence), coercion with use of a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit robbery, conspiracy to commit kidnapping, and conspiracy to commit a crime.

Disgust is an emotion that is typically associated with things that are perceived as unclean, inedible, or infectious.  In “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals”, Charles Darwin wrote that disgust refers to something revolting.  Primarily in relation to the sense of taste, as actually perceived or vividly imagined; and secondarily to anything which causes a similar feeling, through the sense of smell, touch, and even of eyesight.  Disgust is one of the basic emotions of Robert Plutchik’s theory of emotions.  Disgust invokes a characteristic facial expression, one of Paul Ekman’s six universal facial expressions of emotion.  The term has been used frequently to describe O.J. Simpson’s behavior and most of the trials he has participated in as a defendant.

© 2007

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Putin pissed at U.S. but likes fascism just fine

Consolidating Kremlin power good for freedom

Inebriated Press
November 27, 2007

Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday accused the United States of trying to taint the legitimacy of upcoming Russian parliamentary elections by pressing a group of prominent independent election observers to abandon their attempts to monitor the campaign.  He didn’t mention the fact that the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (O.S.C.E.) decided to drop the effort on their own because Russia won’t allow them to fully staff the operation or to issue any reports about the outcome … rendering their effort meaningless.  Putin wants the group to show up anyway so he can claim that his party officials have been legitimately elected to office.  But only the free people seem bothered.

“President Putin is a legitimate dictator and doesn’t need anyone meddling in his affairs,” said Eyegor Udont, Putin’s close advisor and director of dissent management.  “There is no reason for anyone to question the authenticity of an election carefully controlled by our glorious president.  The world can be assured that everyone who’s vote we think should be counted; will in fact have their voted counted.”

The New York Times reported that the elections on Dec. 2 are widely expected to be monopolized by the dominant pro-Kremlin party, United Russia, coincidentally led this year by President Vladimir V. Putin.  The limits on observers reflect the Kremlin’s increasing control over the process.  Reuters reported that former world chess champion Garry Kasparov was arrested in Moscow for protesting the upcoming elections as being rigged.  Kremlin authorities say Kasparov is merely confused and needed to be jailed for his own protection.

“The chess champion is not very smart politically and doesn’t seem to understand the moves we need to make to effectively consolidate power,” said president Putin, pulling strings attached to several nearby officials and watching them jump up and down just for his amusement.  “There are protest groups that want to destabilize my election process by allowing competition and open dialogue on issues.  This is not good for Russia or the reassembling of the Soviet Union under my leadership.  Such silly impositions must be controlled for the good of the protestors.  I’m looking after Garry’s well being.  He’ll understand this after a few more nights in the jug.”

The election-monitoring arm of the O.S.C.E., the Office for Democratic Institutions and Human Rights, or O.D.I.H.R., announced on Nov. 16 that it was canceling its mission to Russia, saying that restrictions imposed by the Russian government had made it impossible for it to carry out its work. The U.S. State Department and numerous European diplomats supported their decision.

In other news, Russia continues to provide nuclear material and technical support to Iran and says its part of Russia’s effort to aid world peace by giving nukes to anti-democratic radicals.  “Look how calm things are where I’m involved,” said president Putin while arming Middle Eastern Islamofascists and killing Muslim’s in his own country who disagree with him.  “I know how to make this stuff work baby.  Trust me, trust me.”

© 2007

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