Daily Archives: November 1, 2007

Google plans g-Phone and g-String initiatives

Wants to get more social, expand networking systems

Inebriated Press
November 1, 2007

Internet search giant Google is in negotiations with two of the largest U.S. cell phone carriers and hopes to get Google software systems installed on both.  Google hopes to build their own “g-Phone” around the effort.  Also this week, Google is introducing “OpenSocial” a set of app’s that will allow social networking applications to run quickly and easily on multiple websites.  The networking “strings” that tie Google’s Social initiatives together reportedly will be called “g-Strings”.  Penthouse and Playboy are both vying to become corporate partner in the new Google g-String strategy.

“We make the perfect strategic fit in Google’s OpenSocial g-String initiative,” said Hugh Hefner, Playboy founder and g-String lover.  “At Playboy we’ve been strong believers in open-social efforts of all kinds for many years and I am convinced that a co-branded OpenSocial Playboy-Googling g-String initiative fits us to a T.  If I can put Bunnies on Google Campus we’ll revolutionize everything from web search to social communication and beyond.”

Not everyone likes the idea.  “If Google rolls out both the g-Phone and g-String initiatives and then combines them on a similar platform, kids with cell phones will have easier access to porn than they already have now.  And I don’t like the sound of that,” said consumer advocate and anti-porn crusader Jake Tomson with fingers in both his ears.  “If this trend continues the only hope we have to stop it is a venture between anti-porn Islamofascists and technical savvy Chinese.  I can see them working together against U.S. interests, but I think we’re on our own when it comes to controlling porn.”

Industry analysts say that the g-String concept of combining Google and a porn company is perfect for the company’s financial efficiency and market place leverage.  “Most Internet searches are for porn now and Google already caches porn sites so they can display them quickly,” said Merrill Lynch analyst Mo Mony, currently trying to replace lost revenues from risky mortgage related investments.  “Think how much more efficient it would be if they partnered with a porn firm and developed and delivered content directly to the Internet user.  They could use their Ad and product tie-ins and get a bigger piece of the action plus maximize the electronic porn programming to run better on their own servers.  Speed, efficiency and a huge porn market-share make the g-String unbeatable.”

In related news, News Corporation — the owner of MySpace and Fox News — is considering the addition of another social network called MyStrings.  MyStrings would feature photos of Fox News babes in g-strings and offer video clips of them giving the news while walking around the set.  Reportedly Fox would feature Dari Alexander, Patti Ann Browne, Kiran Chetry, Laurie Dhue, Lauren Green, Heather Nauert, Jane Skinner and Linda Vester.  Press inquiries about whether Neil Cavuto and Bill O’Reilly would also be on MyStrings in g-strings was met with a blank stare. 

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. Senator sets new bullshit quotient

Self contradictory statements ramp beyond repair

Inebriated Press
November 1, 2007

Last week U.S. Senate majority leader Harry Reid said that the arson related fires burning in southern California are the direct result of global warming. During the same interview, when asked a clarifying question by a reporter in reference to the global warming statement, he denied he ever said it. Psychiatrists and kindergarten teachers have evaluated this behavior and determined that American political bullshit has advanced to a new level never experienced in history. This new “bullshit quotient” has some experts worried.

“It’s not unusual that politicians contradict themselves and often try to spin their own words into different meanings at different times,” said B.B. King, an American blues guitarist and secret psychiatrist to the stars. “But when they start contradicting themselves in the same sentence or say that San Francisco values reflect America’s, it starts getting a bit worrisome.”

Historians note that while politicians have been lying to the American public ever since cavemen invented political parties, only recently have they been lying to themselves and contradicting themselves publicly. But not all politicians see it this way.

“I have never contradicted myself at any time or in any way,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi pushing a friend down a flight of stairs. “It’s against my nature to do anything that makes things appear different than they really are. Now you’ll have to excuse me, I have a Botox appointment.”

Some historians see the trends as positive. “When our elected leaders, like Senator Reid, start telling so many lies that they can’t keep track of them even during the same interview, there’s a great leveling effect in American society,” said Cotton Ginn, a historian and plantation owner from the Old South whose motto is: vote early, vote often. “This enables Americans of all kinds – from the brightest to the most stupid – to participate at leadership levels in the U.S. Congress. Heck that’s how Hillary’s going to become president. Other than being Bill’s wife and having a few small scandals of her own she hasn’t run a business, or been governor of a State. She doesn’t know shit, but she’ll be running the most powerful country in the world in a year or so. Now that’s what I call damned serious progress.”

In other news, some American’s find nothing wrong with Reid’s statements and perhaps not coincidentally the average U.S. IQ has fallen 5 points in the last two weeks.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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